


Raindrops full of laughter

by lone_sandkorn



Series: Two faces of the same coin [1]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Character Study, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Hell Flashbacks, Hurt, Jaehee Kang's Route, Learning to trust, Love, MC stays with the RFA, Mostly canon though, Mystic Messenger - Freeform, POV:Second, POV:you, Partly AU, Past Abuse, Past incest abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, This is a Saeranmance, This is really dark, learning to love, merging all routes together
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-09 21:32:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 80,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10422201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lone_sandkorn/pseuds/lone_sandkorn
Summary: You've long learned that fighting back almost always makes a situation worse, so it's to no one's surprise when you follow the instructions to go into that strange apartment - together with your twin sister - and join the RFA. But what if living together with your other "you" ,  makes you actually want to fight for something for the very first time in your life? And what if that particular thing is the person that could be yours and everyone else's downfall?





	1. Chasing the rabbit

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this piece of fiction because there were scenes and interactions that I simply craved to read myself. And I thought that you may enjoy them as well. :)
> 
> Before I forget to mention it:  
> I am not a native speaker, so if there are any mistakes then I would be very happy if you could point them out for me so that I have the chance to improve my language skills. I know that learning a language is a constant process of making mistakes and becoming better through them. So thank you in advance :) 
> 
> ___________
> 
> It is also important to mention that in this fanfic, it is assumed that the whole plot takes place in more than 11 days. I haven't completely decided on the exact time period, but it will definitely be longer than just 11 Days as I think that really deep bonds can not be build in such a short time. I hope you don't mind too much.

**Saeran**

     “We’re not twins.”

     Saeran had been born with a being together with someone that wore his face. That had a body that looked just like him. But in this other body was nothing resembling his own frail soul. That other human was cruel, and filled Saerans once pure head with sinister lies of a better life. A better future.

     And as the child that he was back then, he had believed his twin. Until that one left and never came back, even shed his full name to dump Saeran into that dark space alone. In this darkness, it was only natural that he became a monster…A machine. But even monsters can have nightmares. In his, he dreams of daunting red hair and shining golden eyes

     “I’ll get us out of here. Just wait for me.”. But that was not the worst part. The worst part was, that he believed him. Every time.

     Twins are said to share one soul, but they weren’t twins. They were arch enemies.

 

\- Present day -

 

     He felt sweat forming underneath the uncomfortable brown wig. He had been given a special task, one that only he could perform. He had finally found his purpose. He could still do some good. He just needed to find the right person for what was about to come.

 

     He hopped from one public internet hotspot to another, hacking people was way too easy when they were all connected to the same access point. It was almost overpoweringly boring. He read their emails, their text messages, scrolled through their social media accounts and lazily flipped through their photo albums.

     The pawn couldn’t just be anybody. Most of the people wouldn’t understand his drive, or would be to occupied with their personal life to even care. Shiny faces, the perfect civilized citizen, but they all were nothing but filled with filth. Egocentric people just like the one person that left him to when he was younger. He rubs the back of his neck.

     They all did not deserve to be taken to paradise.  At least not the way they were just then. They needed to be cleansed. To be ruined. And then, when they would be treated like a part of paradise, they would finally understand what true happiness was. Just like him, back then. It was the only way to save everyone from the rotten seeds that were so widely spread among the normal humans.

     He was currently reading the browser history of a middle aged business man that was enjoying his café latte, being completely unaware that he, Saeran was sitting here, unravelling his deepest secrets. And what secrets they were. Obviously Mister Jun Won, currently living in Seoul, had a thing for little children. His browser history was full with sites that contained more than enough material to get him in prison.

     It made him sick and he felt his anger almost taking over him. Almost. perseverance is key.

     Out of the corner of his eye, he could see something moving that reminded him of a silken waterfall. Something that caught his eye. A woman. She was sitting on the other side of the plaza and searched something inside her bag. She had long hair that was middle brown at the top and faded into a golden honey blond towards her tips.  When she looked up, she was holding her cell phone to her ears and squinted her eyes as she answered the incoming call.

     There was nothing in particular that he could pinpoint, but something in her stance wakened something like recognition inside of him. Strange, he had never seen that woman before.

     He hacked into her phone. Out of routine. As soon as he got past the ridiculous firewall of her system, he put on his earphones and listened to her conversation with the voice at the other end of the line.

      “gosh, where are you? I’ve been calling you three times now, why are you picking up only now?”

      A female voice asked annoyed.

      The woman across from him rolled her shoulders up and sat up so that she was sitting with a straight back, trying to manually slip into another persona. He could tell that she was only acting. She smiled while she spoke, but it never reached her eyes. Her eyes… He knew that expression. That fake spark of liveliness in them.

      “Aww, did you miss your older sister that much? I am so lucky to be loved.” It didn’t sound quirky. If that ever had been her intention.

     The other female voice only huffed irritated.

     “You’re only 12 minutes older than me, so stop acting up. Taeyoung called me and told me about your date. He said that you stood up from the table and left. What’s wrong with you? With your attitude, you’ll never find a guy that will marry you. At least not here.”

      The woman inhaled sharply and her jawline tightened for the fracture of a second. But it vanished just as soon as it had happened. Whatever snide response she had originally wanted to give, gone.

      There was silence after that before the other female voice sighted defeated. “You’re not in Germany anymore. Things  _are_ different here, culture wise. A woman should be like a flower, beautiful and elegant.”

      So she was a foreigner? Well that was a funny twist. He found the picture of the person calling and his heart stopped. They were fucking twins. TWINS of all the things they could have been. He needed a moment to calm himself.

      Perseverance is key, perseverance is key. He managed to unclutch his fists and felt the waves of angst subside. So what if they were twins? Even better, if one fails he would simply take the other. Good for him.

      The two women kept bickering for a while and he was in the middle of creeping through her documents when he found a folder that was password protected. He started decrypting the content. It was full of medical records and pictures of a girl with... with…

      Images flashed before his eyes. Screams. Tears. Blood. Memories of his own pathetic life.

      Never again.

 

      He  **never**  wanted to see pictures like that ever again.

 

      When he looked up, he saw her getting ready and before realizing it, he followed her.

      Yes, she was the one. He would lead her to salvation, because he felt like they had more in common than he ever thought possible.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were so tired. So very tired. And something about what was happening right now, managed to spark your interest. They say, that curiosity kills the cat. But what if the cat doesn’t care if she dies?  
> ________________

**You**

 

       You feel more tired after the phone call than you should. Speaking up to her, trying to joke when you felt nothing but death inside of you was hard and draining every ounce of life energy out of you.

 _Get a grip._ it isn’t her fault that she had lived a nice and sheltered life. It’s not her fault that she thinks the way she does, she had been raised to do so. You’d probably believe all that she believed as well, if you had stayed here with your mother back then. You have no right to be angry at her. In fact, you have no right to be angry at anybody but yourself. You decided a long time ago, that there was no use for you to become a normal woman and lead a normal life. Love and the like just wasn’t for you. You learned it the hard way, but better late than never. But that didn’t mean that you should be jealous of your own sister, she has done nothing wrong.

       You stop and breathe in deeply. Then start counting to ten.

       Tuck them away

       Tuck those irritating feeling away. Into the place you’ve build inside yourself. You feel the familiar feeling of your emotions fading before you actually reach ten, and presume walking.

       Better

       Your phone buzzes inside your bag.  You reach for it and stare on the notifications. A text message, but the app-icon was different from the messaging app you usually use. Weird. You open it anyways.

…. unknown has entered the chatroom

 

Unknown:

…Hello?...

   
  
---  
  
 

You stare at the screen with a blank expression.

                                                                                              

Unknown:

 Can you see this?

| 

 

| 

   
  
---|---|---  
  
 

| 

 

| 

You:

Who are you?  
  
Unknown:

I’m sure you’re surprised

 

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

It’s not every day you get a text from a stranger

 

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I’m a bit flustered myself. I found a smartphone at the subway station, but all it had was this messenger app.

 

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I want to find the owner, but I don’t see any contact info or call records…

 

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I’ve been sending messages with this app but no reply...

 

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

All I see is an address and some important looking numbers in notes.

 

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I’d like to go there myself but I’m currently abroad...

| 

 

| 

   
  
 

 

 

He’s not going to ask you to go there instead, right? And even if he were, you won’t go. You had to be in a much more fucked up emotional place to do something as stupid as that.

 

 

 

 

| 

 

| 

You:

First… who are you?  
  
---|---|---  
  
Unknown:

Me? Oh sorry. I didn’t even introduce myself.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I’m just... a student studying abroad. I’m Korean.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I could tell you my name, but it doesn’t really matter.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

You won’t find me on search engines ^^;

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

But, anyways..

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

Can you help me find the owner of this phone?

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I know you’re surprised to have someone suddenly pop up and ask you a favour like this.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

But still…

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I’d appreciate it if you could help.

| 

 

| 

   
  
 

| 

 

| 

You:

Why are you so obsessed with finding the owner? You can just give it to the police or the post office           
  
 

| 

 

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

Well… Normal people won’t be able to understand…

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

To be honest, I have a religion..

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

My religion says that you must not miss any opportunity to do good, no matter how small.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

Well some say that it’s just nosy

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

But I’m not like normal people.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I can’t help but think about how stressed the owner might be…

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

It’s really a safe place. If you feel unsafe, you can turn around.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I know the area. It’s developed.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

Please?

| 

 

| 

   
  
 

 

       A religion? Why does he have to be so vague? It wasn’t a cult, right? You have no business with cults.

 

 

| 

 

| 

You:

No. You’re creepy.  
  
---|---|---  
  
Unknown:

Creepy?...^^;;

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I’m not a creep.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

Haven’t you ever heard of the saying ‘you get a treat if you listen to older men’…?

| 

 

| 

   
  
 

       A treat? You can’t help but to chuckle at that. Was that a Korean thing? Although you’ve been born in this country, until two months ago, you’ve barely been here at all.  Was it normal to have sugar daddies? Helping people out of the blue and going to strange addresses was not really the sanest thing to do, but then again, why didn’t you feel scared at all? Because you’ve only recently locked your feelings away, remember? While you felt nothing right now, it wasn’t exactly wise to hold a conversation like this when you’re in this condition. But… You were so tired. So very tired. And something about what was happening right now, managed to spark your interest. They say, that curiosity kills the cat. But what if the cat doesn’t care if she dies?

 

 

 

| 

 

| 

You:

I’ll listen to you  
  
---|---|---  
  
Unknown:

Haha, I was joking.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

But you seem like you’ll listen to me ^^

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

Anyways

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I know I’m asking too much.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

You might think I’m odd.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

… I am a bit odd to be honest.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

But would you consider it? I’m talking to you right now.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

Two complete strangers at two complete different places… It’s a miracle we’ve connected.

 

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

No one responded to my messages. You’re the first one.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I don’t know how we got connected…

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

But maybe this was meant to be?

| 

 

| 

   
  
 

       A picture of a brown haired guy with green eyes popped up. He was wearing a black shirt and a red jacket. He smiled while facing the camera.  The time stamp said that it was taken only a minute before.  You could see a building in the background that looked like an airport.

 

Unknown:

That is me in the photo.

| 

 

| 

   
  
---|---|---  
  
Unknown:

Maybe this will make you less suspicious…?

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

I’m returning to Korea soon, so I’ll definitely make it up to you.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

If you feel unsafe near the place, you can just delete the app.

| 

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

Please, I’m begging you

| 

 

| 

   
  
 

       You sigh. You shouldn’t do it. It could be dangerous. No, it most likely will be dangerous. But you feel nothing. Nothing at all.  You let him give you the address to the apartment and start texting the address to your sister, asking her if it would be ok to stop by that place on your way back home. Your sister is startled but agrees after you explain the situation to her.

      “I’ll go with you and keep an eye out. There is no way I’ll let you go there, alone.” She greets you as you get into the passenger seat.

      It is fine by you, either way. But you don’t tell her that. Instead you simply shrug. It takes you about half an hour to get to the building complex. It is a rather modern one, the whole neighbourhood seems to be well of.

      You two get out of the car and enter the building.

      “Does it say which apartment it is?”  your sister asks. You scroll through your conversation with that Unknown guy and ask him. It takes some time until he answers but he sends you the requested information in the end.

      The door of the apartment has one of these fancy security locks that need a password to open it and you want to ask your mysterious chat partner if he can find the combination on his device when your sisters phone rings and she suddenly hands you the thing. It’s Taeyoung from before.

       You feel tired again and try to explain that you’re sorry but you won’t see him again. Ever. He, however, doesn’t stop talking and you hand your own phone over to your sister so that she could deal with this Unknown guy until you had this mess sorted out.

      She arcs up her eyebrows in the most annoying way at you and starts grinning while texting. You hope she doesn’t do anything stupid, but return to the phone call eventually to get this over with.

 

* * *

** Saeran **

 

      The woman from before is standing in front of the door. Next to her stands a woman that looks almost exactly the same, and still completely different. Her twin sister.

      At first, he felt a rush of annoyance when he saw her texting her sister and she said that she’d be tagging along, but after cooling down a bit and talking to the saviour via the phone, he decided it was just as fine. If  _she_ didn’t mind, he wouldn’t mind as well. If it ever came to any complications, he could still get rid of one of them.

      He asked the original pawn if she saw a padlock in front of door in which she could insert a password. But just when she wanted to answer, her sisters phone rang. She looked annoyed and handed her own over to twin number one, while receiving the phone from his chosen one and starting to type, stating that she can’t see a security lock.

      He hated liars. They were just like that god damned redhead from hell.

      Lies. Lies. All lies.

      His head started spinning and he couldn’t think straight.

Unknown:

Are you sure?^^

      One chance. One more chance. If she lied now, then that would be it. He would find someone else. Someone worth his while. It was a pain in the ass, since he really wanted the woman from before to be his target, but what if she was just as much of a liar as her sister?

      He fumed, noticing how sweat was forming on his arms. He could see the threads that held his mind together, loosing structure.

>     _I’ll come and get you. We are twins. I am you and you are me. Gold eyes piercing through his heart. Red hair burning in his brain. Just wait for me. Wait for me……wait…for me…._

_You need to remain calm. The saviour entrusted you with the task. Do not fail her, now._

      He managed to cool down whatever had been starting to burn up inside of him. Continuing to breathe in as steady as possible and then breathe out. A routine. Routines are what kept him going. What kept him sane. They were structure. They were his lifeline.

      When he felt like he pulled himself together enough, he looks at them again.

      Twin Number two just giggled as she hands the phone back to twin one, who looked annoyed by her sister’s playful antics. She replies via a new text message that she was only joking before and is indeed seeing the lock with numbers on it.

      He feels a wave of relief. So they weren’t alike. She was no liar. He would trust her and only her.

      He pulls up the passcode and sends it to her and she swiftly starts to typing the digits into the door lock. There is a soft beep and then the entrance is open.

      As they enter the apartment, he waits for a few seconds, before retreating, a smug smile written all over his face.

 

 

Unknown:

It’s going to be fun from now on.  
  
---  
  
 


	3. Rikas Fundraising Association

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all happened at once. You check the messenger app again and read through all those messages inside that chatroom. How did things escalate this quickly? You have no business with things like planning giant charity events and neither does your sister. But it has been made clear to you that if you refuse to join… well let’s say they’ve made the point clear that it would be better to join.
> 
> You and your sister get sucked up into the chaos. While your sister is coping with it like a normal person should, you... well you aren't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There will be a depiction of child abuse in this chapter.

**You**

      It all happened at once. You check the messenger app again and read through all those messages inside that chatroom. How did things escalate this quickly? You have no business with things like planning giant charity events and neither does your sister. But it has been made clear to you that if you refuse to join… well let’s say they’ve made the point clear that it would be better to join.

      Your sister went outside to blow off some steam while you decided that you desperately needed a warm shower to do the same. If you don’t let out some of your anxieties, you would blow up any time soon., and you know that this is a side of you that you don’t want anybody to see. Especially not your sister.

      While the hot water rinses down your body, you open the heavy door inside your soul. Only a little bit so that you don’t let everything out at once, but enough to make your stomach cramp.

      You sit down when you feel your legs giving in and start to sob and whip back and forth until you feel the cramps inside of you getting weaker.

      The tears from you mix together with the fresh shower water and you keep sitting on the floor until you feel like you’ve shed yourself dry.

      You can hear the door of the apartment open and get up immediately at the sound. As you step outside the bathroom, your sister asks you if you’ve used up all the warm water but you tell her that there’s plenty left. She grabs a fresh towel and walks inside the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

      You feel trapped. Trapped with a person that you should feel close to, but you don’t. Which, to be honest, is not entirely her fault. You’ve long lost interest in building lasting relationships, no one taught you how to do that anyways.  

      Whenyou first moved to Korea, your sister had tried her best to be welcoming, but she soon realized just how different the two of you were. Which led to her attempts to make you go out with her, subside one by one. You don’t blame her, as you see yourself not fit for those kind of things.

      When she told you that you have no cultural understanding of this country, earlier this day, you had to agree with her. She was right. Adjusting was really difficult as you felt like you were stepping from one mistake into another. But this whole RFA thing was on a completely different level. This could be your downfall, or your ticket into a better future. Either way, it was a turning point in your life. you could feel it.

      You reread the last text messages that you had received from Unknown and try to analyse every word from them. “It’ll be really fun from now on. Enjoy your time with everyone. I’ll go get you soon.” Something felt off from that text but you couldn’t exactly place what it was. “I’ll go get you soon.” Why would he say that? If he/she really wanted for you to be here and join the RFA, why would someone take you away from here soon again? Something wasn’t adding up. You think about calling seven and talking about this with him, since he had told you to contact him if you find out something about the hacker. But you dismiss that thought. You don’t want to creep everyone out even before they’ve actually gotten to know you better.

      You try to look for something to eat, but of course the fridge and every other cupboard is empty so you decide that this was the perfect opportunity to get to know your new neighbourhood. You text your sister and tell her that you’re out grocery shopping and head outside the door. 

 

       The cold air makes your nose itch and you are more than happy when you find a little convenience store around the corner. You browse lazily through their products when your phone rings. It is a number that you have never seen before but strangely enough, your phone displays a name together with the number. It is Jumin Han, the corporate heir from C&R and wow, does his voice sound stern. He thanks you for joining the organization and you tell him that you look forward to everything that is going to happen from now on. It is typical small talk, but it is nonetheless surprisingly pleasant. Jumin seems equally surprised and tells you that he is going to call you more often from now on. The way he said that made it sound final.

      You giggle at yourself because you are on personal terms with Mister Jumin Han, something a lot of people would kill for. Things just keep getting more and more absurd.

      By the time you get back to the apartment, your sister is already prepping the kitchen. You hand her the shopping bags and she starts scanning through the items. Her eyes sparkle at the sight of a pack of chocolate pudding and eagerly grabs one of them.

      “How did you know I liked those?” she says, her voice filled with awe. You only shrug. You didn’t know, you wanted one for yourself and tell her so. She only laughs and hands you a cup of pudding from the stack. You grab two spoons and hand her one.

      “So, we’re really doing this, right?” she asks while you prepare dinner.

      “I guess we are.” You simply answer, trying to focus on cutting down some spring onions. She stares at the ceiling, then back to you.

      “You’re so calm. Aren’t you flustered by all this? I mean, they made us stay in an apartment that apparently belongs to a dead woman. All of this because someone lured you here. Most people wouldn’t be this relaxed after a day like this.” She’s still looking at you so you stop chopping and try to think before answering.

      “Well, I am not most people. Father taught me that nothing good would come out of being too emotional.” In fact, being emotional was something you did not practise in front of him. Never.  But you don’t say any of it and leave it at that.

      “What? Why would he say that? Whenever I talked to him over the phone, he was being so affectionate and told me that he missed me and whatever.” You chuckle at that.

      “I guess I’ve simply been the wrong twin to talk to, then.” It sounded bitter and it was meant that way, but you bite your tongue as soon as the words leave your lips. Your sister expression changes into something defensive and you immediately regret saying anything at all. You try to take it back but she only waves it away like an annoying fly. It is quiet after that.

      Seven had sent her a link to download the messenger app as well and you silently watch while she is greeted by the other guys in the chatroom. You throw in some responses when asked, but keep quiet most of the time.  Your sister is doing an amazing job with the other members, it doesn’t take long for them to forget that they were supposed to be suspecting the two of you. A joke here, a compliment there, it is all that it takes.  

      You feel hollow but are already used to that feeling and thus try not to dwell on it too much.  Your phone buzzes and notifies you that you have a private message from one of the RFA guys. You switch the screen and find Yoosung asking you if you’re alright. You tell him that you are just naturally quiet and that it had been a very odd day.

 

Yoosung:

It must have been so hard for you. Especially with all of us being so suspicious of you!

| 

   
  
---|---  
  
 

| 

You:

No, it’s fine. I would have been suspicious of myself too, if I were you. Give me some time, I will warm up eventually. Don’t worry.  
  
Yoosung:

Woah, you’re so mature. I hope I grow up to be someone like you.

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

?

 

You:

I thought you were only two years younger than me? lol  
  
Yoosung:

I know. But Zen explained to me that growing up isn’t always about age alone. And compared to you, I feel much more like a child.

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

If that is the case, will you listen to everything I say? Since I’m the adult lol  
  
Yoosung:

Oh? Yes, I guess I will. I feel like I can’t do anything but surrender to you. lolol

| 

   
  
 

      You stifle a laugh and your sister looks up from her phone, her expression curious at first, before she remembers that she is pissed at you.

      “What’s the matter?”  she said it with zero interest, but you knew better than that.

      “Oh, nothing. I just thought that Yoosung reminded me an obedient puppy.” Her face lights up at that. “Yes, I think so too. It’s almost as if he was screaming ‘I’m young and innocent, please adopt me. I promise I’ll be a good boy.’” You both laugh at that.

      When it’s time for bed, you fall into the sheets like a rock, the exhaustion from the day finally catching up with you. It feels weird to be laying here, but you know that you have been sleeping in more compromising situations before, so you decide that you don’t care about the fact that this was the bed of a dead girl. You look over to your sister and find her that she, however, isn’t coping with everything as well as you are.

      “Hey, you alright?” you ask her. She turns around to face you and takes your hand. “No, I don’t think I am. It’s all too... new. But I am glad that at least you are with me.” You nod and smile, even though it doesn’t reach into your soul. Your sister smiles as well and closes her eyes. It takes some time, but then you can see the subtle change in her breathing and know that she fell asleep. You wiggle your hand free and pull out your phone. There were only a few things that you disliked more than an unsolved puzzle, and nothing was screaming “mystery” louder than the circumstances you were currently in. You take screenshots from the messenger and inserted them into a new password protected folder.

      Like any other puzzle before, you would solve this one as well.  

 

* * *

**Saeran**

 

      The light of the screens casted a shadow on his face.  Since he got back from his “field trip” he hadn’t seen anything but computer screens. He opened the GPS app and located his target. When he saw the coordinates, he smiled. Good, so they managed to make the two women stay. Everything was going accordingly to their plan. After his last text, she had texted him back, asking him if he were by any chance dangerous. He chuckled, Of course, he was. He had hacked into her device, stolen her deepest secrets and inserted her into the great schemes of his saviour.

      Speaking of secrets... without thinking about it, he pulled the password protected file from her phone, up on the screens. Rereading what he had previously found. He felt an all too familiar knot forming in his guts as he was reading and it didn’t take long for him until he had to barf. Stupid stupid stupid.

      She didn’t deserve to be walking around in the filth of the people outside of paradise. He would bring her here, break her and then finally free her. It was the only way he could help her, and he **would** help her.

 

* * *

 

**You - 10 years before**

 

      You feel your stomach twisting in ways it’s not supposed to twist like. You feel cold. He hovers over you, cornering you. He has been drinking again, you think. And thanks to his workday, his mood is especially rotten today. You made sure to prepare dinner for him, steak, just the way he likes it. But all he stares at is you. And you do not like the way he stares. He bites into his meat but lets down his knife after a few bites.

      “Come here. Why are you sitting over there? I’ve told you that you have to be close to me!” He is slurring, having difficulties getting the words out. He lies. Yesterday he told you to stay the fuck away from him. That you are the reason for all his misery. And you did. You made sure to fulfil his every wish, it was the only way to survive. You wonder if she feels that way, too. If she has to suffer as much as you do. Your other _you_ , that is. You hope that she doesn’t, but you aren’t sure. He doesn’t let you talk to her. Tells you that she doesn’t want to hear your voice. And you take it. Every insult, every curse, you take it all. You have learned to keep quiet when he says those things. Built a little castle inside yourself in which you can lock everything that hurts you. You feel nothing. At first, you think that it is a good thing. But he is furious with you. He is always furious with you. You think about tearing down the castle inside of you, but when you open the door inside of you, it all comes crashing down.

      You scream and start hurting yourself, only to be taken into a hospital. They want to lock you up, he doesn’t let them. When you get back home, he makes you thank him for saving you. Thank him in the way no father should make his daughter thank him. You’re young. But it is not the first time. You know what to do to make it short. He gasps and then shoots his disgusting fluids into your mouth. You don’t scream, you don’t flinch. It would only make him going at it again. So you take it. Gulp it down and go silently to the bathroom and get rid of it.  You do so without making a sound. God, he would be so mad if he heard what you were doing so you let the water from the sink flow just to make sure.

 

      You get up and walk over to him. He reeks. You want to throw up but you don’t. You don’t dare to. He grabs your head and pushes you under the table. “Daddy had a pretty fucked up day. So be a good girl and help your daddy get some release.” You’re scared. But only for a moment. Then you count to ten inside your head and shove all your feeling inside your little castle. You’re nothing but a shell right now and your soul is locked up inside of you. The only place where he can’t hurt you.

      You open his belt and lean over his crotch.

 

**\- present day -**

      You hate those dreams. It has been a long time since you had your last one but you suppose that this whole situation threw you off more than you first thought. You get up and walk into the bathroom. Mechanically cleansing your mouth. The dream left a disgusting aftertaste and there was nothing that got rid of it better than your little routine of cleaning your mouth.  When you walk back into the bedroom, your sister sits on the mattress.

      “What were you doing?” her forehead has wrinkles on them full of worry. It is a look that you do not like.

      “nothing, I needed something to drink.”

      She opens her mouth but closes it again. Then she shakes her head and starts again. “You were... whimpering in your sleep. I thought you cried.” She says, her voice whispering even though the two of you were the only ones here.

      You command your face to smirk at her. “Whimpering, I see. Well you know, since I am your older sister, I should have a talk with you. About _things_ that a grown up woman dreams about that could make her _whimper_.” 

      Her face becomes red and she hisses at you. “I told you that you are only twelve minutes older than me. Stop the bullshit. I know what I heard and it didn’t sound like _this kind of_ whimpers.” Your traitorous face falls, only for a second, but it is enough for her to notice.

      “Look, I know that you’re not made out of stone. Even if you want to make me believe that. I know that this day has been just as disturbing as it has been for me. This hacker. I know they said that he could be related to this Rika, and as much as I would like to think that, too, I can’t help but think that he might actually NOT be related to her. That he is dangerous. And it frightens you, too. Does it not?”

      You think a bit. Does it frighten you? You aren’t sure, you feel perfectly fine. But again, you don’t tell her that. You want this talk to be over with, so you only nod. “Yes. I’m sorry, I’m simply shaken up by everything. I guess I was having a bad dream because of it.” It isn’t completely false, which is what makes it more believable. You’re good at half-truths.

      She grabs your hand and pulls you onto the bed.  You stroke her hair and she strokes yours. She falls asleep first. Slowly straightening the worry-wrinkles on her forehead and you promised to yourself that you would not let yourself to be the cause of any more wrinkles on her face.

      The oath makes you feel odd. It is... somehow warm and cold as ice at the same time. Before you can think about more, you let that weird feeling wrap itself around you and pull yourself into a dreamless sleep.


	4. two souls with the same face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Be happy.” You whisper it into the fabric of her sweater, but she manages to hear it anyways.
> 
> “O – ok.” She whispers back.
> 
> You feel that spring might be near for your sister and want to help her. Even though love isn't meant for you, you still want your "other" you to be happy.

**You**

 

          You wake feeling your nose itch. As soon as you open your eyes, you can see (or rather feel) the source of the feeling. Your sister seems to have cuddled up against you during the night and you have your nose deep inside her hair. You jerk backwards and press against the wall. Shit. You’re not used to sharing a bed and you are not used to be so close to someone after waking up. You need a moment to gain back control over your breathing.

 **Come sleep with me tonight. You have to, after all the trouble you’ve caused. Your mother left you with me, so you have to be good to me** **!**

_Count to ten and retreat to your inner castle_

**“You little piece of shit!” He yanks you inside the bed. You cry but it seems to fluster him only further.**

_He’s dead. You’re safe._

_Count with me… one... two…_

           You feel the flashback slowly fading away but it still leaves a bitter taste inside your mouth. You sigh, you’ll have to do your cleansing routine again later.

 

           Your sister wakes up from the commotion you’re causing with your stupid panic attack. She looks at you while blinking the sleep away. Her hair is a mess and you would have laughed if you hadn’t come straight out of a nightmare.

           “what...? What time is it?” she reaches for the nightstand and looks at her phone.

           “wow…Those guys really have a messed up sleeping schedule. Look at all the messages we’ve missed!” she is sitting straight up now and pinches you with her elbow to make you grab your own phone. You do as she wishes and browse through the nightly conversations between the other members. Apparently Luciel, aka Seven, made a second background check on the two of you (seriously though, you thought he was satisfied with the first time?) and Yoosung was so excited over the fact that there will be a new RFA party that he even forgot to go gaming.

          It’s still early but you think that since everybody seems to be sleeping like whenever, you might have a chance to reach Luciel and ask him if he already found something on the hacker. As soon as you hold the phone up to your ears, your sister tilts her head with a big imaginary question mark over your head. You mouth “seven” as good as you can while listening to the dial tone. Her eyes widen in surprise and you even think that she’s blushing for the split of a second. You make a mental note to ask her about this, later.

           To your own surprise, Seven picks up.

          “What’s up meooow?”

          You snort in response.

          Your sister slaps you on your arm and points to her ears. _Ah, so she wants you to put him on speaker._ You grin and push the according button.

          “Just checking on your progress with the hacker, over! Meow.” You hold your hands up to your mouth to make your voice sound like you’re speaking through a walkie talkie.

          Seven giggles and your sister blushes again. _Interesting._

          “Woah… could it be...? Are you by any chance from the cat-god planet like me?” he fakes a surprised voice. You snort again.

          “nah, not me. But _my sister_ is! I hear her talking in cat language whenever she thinks I’m not listening. I must have picked this or that up from her… if you don’t believe me, the two of you should talk sometime? It must be lonely for both of you to have nobody speaking your native tongue.” You eye your sister that is now crimson red and you throw the phone closer to her. “say hiiiii ~” you chime and give your sister, that looks at you with pure horror, the cue to speak.

          “ah! Uh-uhm… meow ~?” she says and even makes cat gestures with her hands… and punches you when she sees you trying hard not to laugh.

          Seven seems to be surprised for a second but is able to catch himself pretty quickly. “ah, yes! Meow meooow meooow. And you?”  ok. That’s much more than anybody could ask of you and you can’t help but laugh. Your sister seems mortified but keeps holding tight onto the phone (even though it’s already on speaker.)

          “A- anyways. About the hacker…” she starts again. Ah yes, that was why you had originally called.

          “Normally, I would tell you that I can’t reveal anything that I’ve found to you since it is all classified information. But since you are a fellow cat-god, who am I to deny my humble fellow the request for information? Hehe, god 7-0-7, defender of justice, has worked through the whole night and tried to trace back the little change inside the coding during the leak. He hasn’t slept for 34 hours now but that is no problem in the name of justice!” you can almost see the little star behind his last sentence.

          “What? No, that’s not good. You need to take care of your body. A healthy mind lives inside a healthy body! Who would defend the world If you were to faint because of the lack of sleep?”  your sister looks clearly worried and it surprises even you. _Interesting 22._

          Seven seems to be surprised as well and needs a moment to regain his composure. “Huh? Why are you worried about me...? I am a secret agent, there are far worse things that I’ve been through and have SURVIVED. Sleep depriving is nothing for the defender of justice! But it’s not good to have a woman worry because of you, so I will promise you to get to sleep as soon as I can. Deal? … Anyways. I haven’t found _anything_. Whoever the hacker is, he’s good. But don’t worry. I’ve double checked everything about the two of you and you’re safe. No connection to this hacker whatsoever. I will report to V and tell him directly.”  

          There is a pause after that.

          “I know it’s a bit late, but welcome to the RFA, you two. Please take good care of us. I know that the party will be a huge success because of you. I’ll look forward to the future…. Uhm -Good byee ~” And then he hangs up before you have the chance to say anything back to him.

          Odd fellow.

          Your sisters face is burning and she is still holding the phone and staring at the screen.

          “So… this Seven guy...huh?” you start. Your sister jumps at the mention of his name. _interesting 33._

          You chuckle and get up. You won’t be able to sleep anymore and you feel your stomach getting hungry.

 

 

           The other members are having a little party inside the chatroom after Sevens announcement that you are officially clear and you are showered with welcomes and good luck wishes. It makes you a little uncomfortable. How was it possible for people to go from right out suspicious to overly welcoming by a mere sentence, coming from only **_one_** person. You never liked it when a single person held this much power. They remind you of your father, who’s word always felt unopposable to you. You shake off this feeling and try to accept the fact that you are now a full member of the RFA.

           Right after you leave the chatroom, Jaehee calls you and requests to be put on speaker so that she can explain your tasks and responsibilities to both of you in detail. You listen and your sister makes some notes. She assures Jaehee that you understood everything and that she is great at explaining and thanks her for looking after you. You Admire your sister; she is always so good with words. You feel a wave of jealousy inside of you but quickly swallow it down into the pit of your inner castle.

_If mother would have taken you with her, you would be good with words as well._

_Stop with the self-loathing._

 

            It is actually Jumin that suggests the first party guest to you but it is Jaehee that sends you all the contact information. You try to write an email to the head of a banker’s association but have to admit defeat as you realize that your “official Korean writing” skills are just not good enough. You grew up bilingual but you’ve almost never written in Korean; At least not such official letters. You call your sister over to the desk and she writes the email instead, leaving you feeling useless. If you can’t do this, then what was your worth for the RFA?

           Your sister doesn’t say anything but she must think the same.

           Shame creeps up inside of you and you decide to retreat into your castle for the rest of the day. Your sister tries to talk you up over and over again, but you don’t respond. Feverishly thinking about what you actually can contribute.

            After a while you feel a smack at the back of your head. You turn around and see your sister looking at you and god damn it, she’s pissed.

           “Are you done with procrastinating? So you’re hitting a wall now, a language barrier. So what? Is that all it takes for you to give up? Seriously, I’ve expected more from you.”

            You laugh. What does she know? She might be related to you by blood, but she barely knows you. This is who you are. Who you always used to be. You’re not good at fighting for something as you have learned that fighting back can make the situation MUCH worse.

            You tell her that but she’s not having any of it and pulls you up to stand. Then she calls Jumin and asks him if the budget of the RFA allows for soft-skill training. He is a bit startled but after she explains the situation he excuses himself for being so inconsiderate and tells her that he needs to make some calls and will get back to her as soon as possible.

             While you wait together with your sister, she continues lecturing you about acquiring more of a willpower to push yourself further. You keep thinking “ _what does she know”_ but keep it to yourself.  You are used to people yelling at you and have learned that taking it all in silently is what gets you through this. It is your way of dealing with things.

             You can see that your sister is extremely frustrated with you right now, but there is nothing that you can do for her, so you only nod when you think it’s appropriate and agree with her when she requests it.

             You are glad when the phone rings again but are surprised when you find out that it is _your_ phone that is ringing. You pick up. It is Seven and it’s regarding your “problem”. _Great. Does everybody already know that you’re good for nothing? Is he going to kick you out already?_

             “Well to be honest this _is_ kind of a problem. Since Rika took care of everything regarding the Guest List, it is your job to continue this.” _Yep. He’s going to throw you out._

              “So I’ve called V to talk things over with him. But he was insistent on you staying at Rikas apartment. And with this, with our organization. Jumin has already scheduled some writing training for you. It is going to take place at the C&R office building in downtown. Since the information regarding your address is classified, we won’t be able to send a driver for you. But it shouldn’t be too much of a problem. It is very easy to get to the building via public transportation. I will send you the details later through the messenger.”

               You are somewhat dumbfounded. V wants you to stay? Why? You ask Seven.

              “Honestly… I have no idea. Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, so I hope you don’t take this the wrong way.” You don’t and you tell him so.  He sighs in relief.

              “Well, now that that’s taken care of. Why don’t you talk a little about yourself? Let’s get to know each other more ~ oh uh, but don’t ask too many questions about me since I can’t answer most of them due to my job!”  he laughs at the end but you feel like it sounded kind of sad. You make another mental note about that.

               “You sure you want to talk about me? Don’t you know everything already? Since, you know, you’re a _hacker_ and have hacked probably everything that has my name on it, already?” You say and try to sound teasing. You find it’s a poor attempt but he buys it anyways.

               “Of course I have! No I haven’t! Yes. No. Yes. No! hahaha. Seriously, don’t make my conscience split like that haha. There is no proof I did such a thing. It’s illegal to hack someone and I won’t admit to anything. Especially not over the phone. But honestly. It’s nice if people actually tell you those things instead of finding them out on your own. And it is how _normal_ people get to know each other.”

               You want to tell him that you are by no means, normal. But you dismiss that quickly, since you do not wish for him to become interested in hacking you even more. There are things you don’t want anybody to know about yourself. No, you CAN’T have anybody know about those things.

               “Alright, what do you want to know?” You say. And there is a lot that he wants to know.

               There is more than one occasion where he stirs the conversation into your sister’s direction and seems to be disappointed that you can’t answer everything for him. But you quip back at him, telling him that she would be more than happy to answer him all the burning questions he has about her, herself. He begins stuttering at that and quickly changes the topic. You have a mean and evil soul and you know it. It’s not like you care, though. You prove your point by handing the phone over to your sister and watch as they both stutter their way through the interrogation.

               While those two are occupied with being adorably awkward, your sister’s phone rings and you grab it before she can use it as an excuse to back out of her conversation with Seven. It is Jumin.

               “Hello, Jumin Han speaking.  I hear a lot of background chatting, is this a bad time right now?” The heir of one of the biggest company groups in all Korea is stiff like a stick. You can almost imagine him sitting behind his (probably) ebony king-sized desk inside his glass office with a spectacular view over Seoul.

               “Hello, Jumin. Now is as good as ever. My sister is talking to Seven on the phone and this is a small apartment, after all. Seven already informed me about my lessons in writing.”

               He seems confused. “Huh? _Your_ lessons? Ah, did the two of you switch phones by any chance?” oh, so he thought you were your sister. Of course.

               “Yes, I’m sorry, I should have said so, sooner. I suppose our voices are not as distinct as I thought. It is natural, I suppose, since we’re identical twins.”

               He huffs and you can’t tell if he’s annoyed or what. “That is not it. I simply did not expect to be talking to someone else but your sister. And I haven’t heard your voice enough to remember every nuance of it. But I will do so from now on so that something like this does not happen again… hmm… Now that I think about it, I think I _do_ hear a difference. But I can’t be completely sure. Could you give me another example?”

               What, did he ask you to give him an example of your voice? Was he… was he flirting? You don’t _do_ flirting. Not anymore. But his voice… he has the voice of someone who always gets what he asks for and you can’t help but obey him.

               “Like this? JU-MIN HAN?” you couldn’t think of anything else to say. He chuckles. Apparently pleased. So, does that mean you did good?

               “...I didn’t expect you to say my name. You’re quite bold. I was a bit surprised right now.”

               You remember only a few seconds too late that calling each other directly by their names was something considered flirting here. You push your knuckles against your temples. Shit. You did not want to be flirtatious. Giving wrong signals was practically the story of your life and it never was… it never was something good for you. You need to apologize. Now.

               “I’m sorry to startle you. It is one of the many cultural differences I face every day. I did not mean to seem too familiar with you. I just couldn’t think of anything better this quick.” You sincerely hope he understands what you are trying to say.

               “Hmm, I see. It is fine then. Although I did not mind it too much. My name sounds nice when you speak it.” You blush. He’s joking, right? Did you just make things more awkward?

               “I will make sure to remember the differences between your voices. A confusion between the two of you will not happen again. However, since I am already talking to you, I will let you know all you need for tomorrow. Luciel will send you the details regarding the public transportation. The lesson will start at 9. I expect you to be punctual. You will walk to the front desk and tell them that you are my new trainee. Tell them that you are from the RFA. They will guide you to my office, then. I made some free time between 9 and 9:30 and will see to you, personally. After that, Assistant Kang will take over. You will be send home at approximately 10:30. Training is every day from now on, until I feel comfortable enough with your writing skills. Once you are home, you will send me a confirmation that you arrived home without trouble. Since I can’t send you a driver, that is. I have a lot to take care of, now. Good evening and I will see you tomorrow morning.” With that, he hangs up. What is it with those Korean guys that they don’t seem to wait for you to say good bye to them, as well?

               Your sister arcs a brow at you. Her call ended some time ago and she was supposedly listening in on your conversation.

               “He will ‘see to you’ in person?” You shrug at her and tell her that you have no idea what just happened. Then you remember her call with Seven.

               “Soooooo?” You grin like a little devil and she shrieks in surprise.

               “What? Why are you grinning like that? I don’t like it! Stop right now!” You step closer to her and she keeps taking steps back.

               “God, you’re so annoying. Why did you give me the phone, anyways? You did the same thing this morning!”

               She’s cute when she’s this flustered and you wonder if you look just as cute when you’re feeling like that. Not that you’ve felt this way in a long time.

               “Oh…you know… this and that… I don’t know, I felt like the two of you really got along yesterday? It’s good to talk to people that you get along with, no?” She keeps blushing in front of you.  Then she averts her eyes.

               “I suppose talking to him isn’t all bad…” You smile at her. Even though love wasn’t for you, that didn’t mean that it should be the same for your sister. In fact, you wish for her to be in love. To be happy. Since you would never be.

                The thought makes you sad and you try to ignore the piercing pain inside your heart. She is still averting her eyes and you’re glad she can’t see your expression since you’re not sure if you can manage to smile sincerely right now.

                She wants to say something to you and is about to look at your face but you can’t take it right now. So you pull her into a very awkward hug. Only to hide your face from her. It feels weird and a tat uncomfortable. She’s stiff at first but then hugs you back. You nudge your nose into her shoulders.

                “Be happy.” You whisper it into the fabric of her sweater, but she manages to hear it anyways.

                “O – ok.” She whispers back.

                It is too much. You feel the doors of your soul opening. You need to get away. You break free from the embrace and turn around. It takes every ounce of self-control to walk with relatively slow and normal strides over to the bathroom. You close the door behind you and turn on the water inside the shower. You peel yourself out of your clothes and sit down on the floor of the shower cabin, your cries and tears muffled by the never ending stream of hot water around you.


	5. in Paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> POV: Saeran and the Saviour
> 
> Dear god.
> 
> If you exist
> 
> Bring him back to me
> 
> He promised
> 
> That we would be happy
> 
> Together
> 
> He promised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little double update since this is rather short. Have fun :)

In his dreams, he sees the sky. And stars are dancing to the rhythm of his heart. There is a cloud that is formed like a rabbit. It moves and is hopping happily in the night sky.

He smiles. Not one of those smiles that make him feel sick inside. It feels good. It has been long since he last saw the sky like this.

Something stirs beside him. It is the woman that he had led into the apartment. She is now sitting next to him, her hair falling down her shoulders in little silken waves. Then she turns to see him.

She doesn’t say anything and only starts to stroke his white curls. The moon is right behind her skull and it looks like she has a halo around her head. She opens her lips and words are flowing out of it. Her voice is beautiful and he doesn’t want her to stop talking.

He reaches out for her and trails her cupid bow with his thumb. She blushes and smiles.  Then he sits up, inch per inch and finally his lips meet hers. She tastes like his favourite ice cream and he can’t stop but licking her lips, begging to be let in. she chuckles and he can feel the vibration against his skin. Then she opens her mouth for him and he loses every trail of his thoughts.

He retreats to catch his breath and she turns to watch the sky. He doesn’t want her to turn away, but she points upwards with her fingers and he follows her gaze. The clouds are re-enacting scenes from… oh

Two boys running on the streets with ice cream in their hands. They run and laugh. His heart twists. The whole scenery twists. He is laying on the kitchen floor, his legs bound together by a pair of ropes. He is crying and his mother is yelling at him. It has been two days since his brother left and he had sneaked outside to go look for him. When he came back, he already knew that his mother would punish him for leaving. Her eyes were empty and focused anywhere but on him. Even though he knew, he couldn’t stop himself from going anyways.

he was still laying there, starving because he hadn’t been eating for two days. He had even peed his pants because he couldn’t move but those damn tears kept strolling down his cheeks.

 

Dear god.

If you exist

Bring him back to me

He promised

That we would be happy

Together

He promised

 

 

 

He wakes up, covered in sweat. He runs to the bathroom and empties his stomach. After cleaning his mouth, he grabs his phone and opens the GPS app on it. She was still at the apartment. Good. She needed to do a good job. He had to destroy the RFA. Take everything away that was dear to him. And then, when everything was falling apart around him, he would come and beg him to end his misery and lead him to paradise. And he would stay there and look at him. And he would laugh in his face. Then he would torture him the way his mother once tortured  himself. And when all was done, he would finally pull the trigger and put out the lights in his eyes.

He giggled. The day would come, he would make sure of it.

_______________

 

The Saviour sat on her special seat. He came again. He was testing the air with his hands. He couldn’t see her; she was sure of it. But still, he suddenly turns to face her.

“I know you’re here. I can smell you. Please, say something.”

She walks up to him, still mute and he keeps on blabbering.

“I can feel you. I will always be able to find you. You and I, we’re connected. I beg you, please say something. I love you. I don’t care what you’ve done. I will always love you.”

She snorts. “Empty words. Did you think you would get me with this?” He smiles underneath his sunglasses.

“Thank you, for talking to me.” His smile is bright. HE is bright. Too bright. She wants to wipe that smile off his face. She took his eyesight, if he’d stay, she would take his smile, too. She grins.

“You’re so stupid. Do you know that? Why did you come? Do want to take away what I’ve built here? You were always jealous of me and didn’t believe in me. You are so pathetic.”

He laughs, it makes her cringe.

“yes, I probably am stupid. But as I said, I love you. I always have and I always will. Please, it is not too late to stop this all. If you want to punish someone, punish me. I promise, I will take it all. I just want for you to be happy.”

She’s getting angry at that.

“I AM happy! I’ve built myself a paradise. For me and everyone who wants to follow me. You said I can’t save everyone. But I can! Everyone here needed a sense for his or her life, and I GAVE IT TO THEM. How can you say that what I’m doing is wrong?” she hits him and he falls to his knees. He grabs a part of her dress. How pathetic.

He disgusts her.

He doesn’t understand her. He lied. He said he understands her. But he doesn’t. he never did.  She tells him that she hates him and sends him away.

It always ends like that. But he keeps coming. She knows that he will come again. And she lets him. She doesn’t know why she lets him and it makes her sick. He makes her sick. He didn’t deserve salvation. Not from her or anyone else.

When he comes again, he tells her that he would do anything to make her trust her. She chuckles at that. She will never trust him again. But if he so desperately wanted to work for her, she would let him. She would use him. He was hers to keep, for now and forever.


	6. I spy with my little eye.... something that starts with sadness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “C- can I really?” His voice sounds even more hoarse. You want to hug him and tell him that it’s all going to be alright. Strange.
> 
> “Yes. I would be very honoured.” It has been long since you last said something comparably truthful. You mean every word of it. It kind of scares you.

You wake up with the ringing of your cell phone. Zen is calling you. The moment he greets you, you know why he is a musical actor. His voice is practically oozing with sweetness. He asks you if you’ve slept ok and how you’re taking in the whole RFA thing. You thank him for caring about you and tell him that you just need some time to warm up to people. And he tells you that he will be waiting for you. You roll your eyes and imagine him smirking at wherever he was right now. 

So he really was the flirtatious type. You already guessed as much during the chats, but you hoped that he would be a little different in real life. When you tell him about your upcoming classes with Mister Jumin Han, you can almost hear his brain crack. He goes on and on about why it’s unfair that out of all the RFA members, he has to be the first one of them to meet you. Wow, he really seems to hate him and you start to wonder what their story was about.

Maybe someday he would tell you?

You’re tempted to ask him right now, but even if you do, you don’t expect him to give you an honest answer. Why would he? He doesn’t know you, not yet. You keep forgetting that. Stupid you.

But then he talks about trying to protect you as your big brother (or something entirely else if you’d wanted him to – you make some gagging noise which makes him laugh. He has a beautiful laugh), and to your own surprise you can feel his sincerity.

Hmm, you don’t quite know what to make of this and feel more complicated after the talk on the phone.

When you hang up, you find your sister grinning at her own phone. And without guessing too much, you think that she’s probably goofing around with 707. The two of them seemed to get along pretty well yesterday. You try to make close to no sound as you walk up to her back and silently watch the conversation between them over her shoulders. When she notices you, she almost throws her phone across the apartment. You snicker like a super villain from one of those trash movies and start to make breakfast.

“So, you know how to get to the train station? Should I drive you?” Your sister walks into the kitchen and crosses her arms over her chest.

“No mom, thanks but I’m fine. I’m a big girl and can walk to the station on my own.” She glares at you.

“Why are you so relaxed with walking around on your own when there is a hacker that might or might not be dangerous and seems to have an unhealthy interest in us?”

You hand her a plate with fresh pancakes.

“Well, technically, he had an unhealthy interest in me. You got involved into this mess, because you insisted on following me. So maybe, letting me go by myself is the safest option for you.” You meant it as a joke. Or at least half of it was a joke. But the frown on her face only darkens.

“Are you serious? Did you hurt your head or something?”

You yawn, trying to shake off the tiredness.

“Look, I know that you’re worried about me. But whoever this guy is, if he managed to get us to go here, he already knows this address. And like it or not, but if he really wanted to do us harm, he could do it whether we are here or not. No, don’t start panicking. Nothing is going to happen to us. Just let me go by myself, if it sets your mind at peace I’m going to call you when I get to the station. And I’m going to call you again when I arrive at Jumins office. How does that sound?”

She looks at you and her frown starts disappearing.

“okay, but promise me to really call me. Ok?” You nod.

She goes and fetches your jacket. “You know…” she starts and you stop at the door to look at her.

“I know that we’ve spent our childhood apart from each other. But… I want this to work. Between us. I worry about you. You’re my sister.”

Wow, where did that come from? You wave at your sister and leave the apartment.

.

.

.

The train is awfully stuffed with people. People that are on their way to work, people that are on their way to school. And then there is you. On your way to Jumin Han to get some private lessons from him. Well well, wasn’t life beautiful? You should be honoured, should you not? But you can’t help to feel intimidated by the thought. It has been a long time since you were alone in a room with another man.

He’s just doing it for business, you know that, but still. The mere thought was… uncomfortable.

.

.

“Next stop, Cherry Plaza. Please mind the gap between the train and the station.”

There is no reason for you to be scared.

_Breathe in, breathe out. Count with me: One…_

The doors of the train open up.

_Two…_

The people start flooding out of the door, you try to squeeze in between those people and get carried outside with the mass.

_Three…_

You’re outside.

_Four…_

You pull out your phone to look at the time and call your sister.

_Five…shit!_

Somebody bumps into you and your phone crashes to the floor. You want to bend down and quickly grab it, but there are people starting to get on to the train and you soon lose sight of your phone.

_Why? Why does this have to happen now?_

Somebody taps on your shoulders. You turn around and a man hands you the phone. You want to look up at that person to see his face, but he quickly turns around and vanishes between in the crowd.

Your subconscious starts sending you funny signals. Well, that was odd, somehow.

You look at the phone, its 08:45. Better hurry and call your sister and then go meet the trustfund kid.

______

That was close. He was too close.

He doesn’t even know why he went here.

As soon as he read the text message that contained the directions for her, he couldn’t help but go and take a look at her.

He was surprised, honestly. He didn’t think they would let her leave the apartment at all, but guess he was wrong. Well, good for him, he could see her that way.

But something felt off. As soon as she stepped on the train, her eyes became dead. Nobody around her seemed to notice, but he did. Something was clearly troubling her and somehow he wished he could hack into her brain. See what she was thinking.

_You stupid or what? What’s wrong with you?_

He flicks his fingers against his head. Stupid. He shouldn’t think like that. Never. Not until he was able to make her his. Until the Saviour gave her okay so that he could go and collect her. But in order to do that, she first had to play her role.

It was just as they said, as long as the music was playing, they had to dance.

He stared at his right hand. It was the one he had touched her with when he gave back the phone to her. He could still feel her skin on his fingertips.

He had turned around before their eyes could meet, yet he couldn’t stop thinking about the face she might have made if he had let her see him. Would she have smiled at him? Would she have said “thank you” in her mature and feminine voice?

He felt his heart racing and his pants tightening around his crotch. _Definitely not going there_.

As he left, he kept staring at his phone, looking at the little moving dot on his screen and watching her every step.

He hummed. Pleased with himself. It was a good day.

___

“Excuse me, I’m with the RFA and I have an appointment with Mister Jumin Han.”

Your voice is low and shaky. The woman behind the counter looks you up and down before finally typing something into her computer. Her eyes widen at whatever is displayed to her, seemingly shocked that someone as ordinary as you could have an appointment with the corporate heir.

She calls someone and soon you get escorted to the top floor and into the room at the end of the hall. There are only two doors. One has the name tag “Mr. Chairman Han.” On it, while the other says “Mr. Jumin Han”. You get guided into the second room.

The room feels cold to you, there is almost nothing on the wall or on any other surface, to be precise. There is a huge desk in the middle (just as you had imagined), one with a brown and soft chesterfield armchair behind it and an elegant black leather stool in front of it.

The latter is probably meant for you, but all you do is stand and stare at the room. Was it considered rude to sit down before Jumin was here? Was it weird to just stand here? What to do?

The door behind you opens with a dominant swing and you turn around to be greeted by a tall, handsome and black haired man in a suit. It is Mister Han and you know it even without him introducing himself. You would probably even know it if you _hadn’t_ seen him all over TV and had seen his profile picture on the messenger. It was written all over him. His posture, the way he walked, the way he stood and greeted you. The way he bowed in perfect politeness. The way he carried himself like a prince. It was, in a way, very impressive.

 

You both are quiet for a second, assessing each other.

He is the first to speak.

“I am terribly sorry to stare at you like that. You are different from what I’ve expected.”

He closes the door behind him and you instantly wish that he hadn’t done it.

 

**_He shows too many teeth while grinning. “Aw, little kitten. Don’t be like that now, we both know that this is the reason why you wanted to talk to me in private. Come here and do me now. I know that you’re good at it. People are talking, you know”_ **

**_He winks at you and you want to turn around and leave. He is quicker than you and pins you down on the wall, forcing a kiss on you._ **

**_You know how to survive this, you just need to send you mind to the place that is far, far away. Until it is over. This is how you always survive this._ **

**_You close your eyes and let it happen._ **

 

You force yourself to smile and sound playful.

 

“Are you disappointed?”

He arcs an eyebrow at you. “Why would I be disappointed? Different does not equal ‘worse’ nor does it equal ‘less’. You are you. Let us begin.” He goes to his chair and sits down.

“Why are you just standing there? Sit down.” Your legs start moving before your brain processes his words. His voice was screaming with authority.

He looks at you while you sit down. “Is something the matter?” His sharp eyes make you nervous. So nervous that you can’t say anything and you plainly stare at him like a deer that was hit by a car.

He is patient, at first. But after a while he looks annoyed.

 

He sighs. “I don’t understand why you’re being like this. I have a very busy schedule. If you don’t want to do this, you just need to say so. It’s not like I have nothing else to do.”

That snaps you out of your trance. “NO! I mean, no. I’m sorry, I was incredibly rude just now. It is just… could you please leave the door open?” He looks at you even more funny. “Why?” he asks and tilts his head. His eyes pierce right through your invisible barrier.

You flinch. “Uhm, it is just that… I’m claustrophobic. Closed doors in an unknown environment make me extremely uncomfortable.” You lie, but it does make sense, does it not?

He looks at you for a few seconds longer. Then he stands up again and opens the door. You’re finally able to take a deep breath.

“Better?”

“Better.”

“Good, let’s not waste any more time then. I had Assistant Kang prepare a classification test. In order to properly help you, I need to know how good you are. Please take the pen over there and start with the training sheets. I will correct you as you write.”

.

.

.

You manage to get the basics done and move on to the advanced level. Then the intermediate. As soon as you make a mistake, he pulls out his pen – that has a little diamond at the top mind you - and marks the spot with his correct answer.  His body is overly close to you and you soon fail to concentrate. You try not to fall right into panic mode but you can still feel cold sweat forming on the back of your neck.

He doesn’t say anything, but he stands up for the second time and opens all the windows “to let more air circulate through the room” as he says.

It also gives it a more “public” feeling, which helps you focus immensely. Right outside this window, there are thousands of people running around in the streets and even on the floor that you are being on, you can hear the employees come and go the whole time you’re there. You’re not alone with him. Not at all. It lets you ease up.

Did he do that on purpose? Just how perceptive was he?

You manage to do all the training sheets before 09:30 and thank him for his time. He shakes your hand as firm as only a corporate heir could, but avoids looking you straight into the eye. Which feels more comforting than you should ever admit.

“You did well. Assistant Kang will go over the mistakes that you made and try to explain to you why what you did was wrong. I will see you again, tomorrow. Please excuse me now.” And with that, he is gone.

 

It doesn’t even take five minutes for Jaehee to show up. She is very formal in her greeting. “Good day to you, I hope that Mister Han treated you well. I will go over the worksheets together with you now and evaluate where you made mistakes.” You nod and the two of you start without any further delay.

Being together in the room with her was much more easy than being with Jumin. At some point, she asks you if it were ok to close the windows, and you agree absentmindedly.

Jaehee is a good teacher, she explains everything in detail to you and you feel as if you’ve made good progress by the time you leave.

 

It rings three times until your sister picks up the phone.

“Are you done? Do you want to come back with the train or do you want me to come get you?” You roll your eyes. She seems to notice.

“Don’t roll your eyes on me. Say either yes or no.”

“Yes mum, please come pick me up. I’m lazy and I don’t want to walk.” Now you can feel your sister rolling her eyes. “Ok, just wait there. I’ll go right now and call you as soon as I arrive.”

You hang up and look around until you see a little café that has a free table right outside at the walkway.

As soon as you sit down, your phone rings. It is Yoosung.

“Hey, Zen called me earlier this morning and told me that you were going to meet Jumin and Jaehee. Is that true?” He sounds like a beaten puppy.

“Yes, hello to you, too. It’s true. He –“

You are interrupted by his mourn.

“So unfaiiiir! Why do they get to see you before the rest of us? That is so mean!” You can’t help but smile. He talks as if he was twelve.

“Well, I was just about to tell you the reason. He gives me lessons in Korean writing. You know, my parents were Korean but they got divorced when I was eight. My sister stayed with my mother here in Korea, while I stayed with my father. We moved to Germany and I grew up speaking both languages. But we only talked in Korean, I never really got the chance to practise my writing. And alas, that is showing now.”

“Whoah! I didn’t know! No wonder the two of you are so different. Ah! I- I mean not different in a bad way, j-just different.” He is embarrassed. How cute.  Somehow, talking to him was easy. Maybe because he didn’t feel like a man. In your case, that was a good thing.

“Funny, Jumin said something similar. That I’m different to what he had expected, that is. Maybe I should start working on my womanly charm, what do you think?” You can almost feel him blushing.

“He did? W-well, I really didn’t mean to sound rude. The two of you are just different. Your sister feels more like Rika while you feel just… different. More serious perhaps? Please don’t take this the wrong way. Uhm...- anyway... It was very nice of him to go out of his way and teach you himself. He really cares about the RFA deeply. You wouldn’t think this of him, since he always seems to be an emotionless robot, but he does try to help in his own way.”

You agree with that. “Yes, I feel like he perceives more than he lets on. He was very considerate this morning.”

Yoosung seems surprised. “What? You think so? Hmm, that might be true. Maybe you are special since you seem to see what others can’t? Oh – do you hear that? It’s the bell. I need to go back to class. It was nice to hear your voice and I hope I get to meet you, soon. Bye bye ~”

You manage to say a quick good bye before you hear the beep.

_Yoosung, Gone like the wind ✦ ✦._

.

.

As soon as you open the door of the apartment, you pull out your phone and text Jumin. Just as he told you to, yesterday. He replies within the same minute. It seems like he had already been waiting for your message.

 

|   
  
---|---  
  
|   
  
 

| 

You:

I got back, safely. My sister picked me up with her car. Thank you again for today, you really helped me a lot. I hope I will be able to do well in the future. Thanks for caring.  
  
---|---  
  
Jumin Han:

Noted. I will see you tomorrow.

| 

   
  
 

The answer was short, but you didn’t expect him to be the “novel texting” type.  You check the chatrooms next. Zen asks you if Jumin did anything weird to you, which you deny over and over again until he is satisfied. Then you talk about this and that. He even recommends a musical organization as party guests and tells them to contact you.

 

It is late in the evening, when you get a text message from Seven, telling you to come online since V was making an important announcement.

Both your sister and you log in after that. It is the first time after the day that you joined, that you get to talk to him.

 

V:

Hey everyone! And especially a warm hello to our new members.

 

V:

I know you’ve been desperately waiting for a party date, but I am still deciding on this and beg you to be a little more patient with me. I will get back to you all, as soon as the date is set.

 

V:

I hope everyone treats you two well. We are all family here in the RFA.

| 

                                                  
  
---|---  
  
 

707:

What, you rarely log into the messenger these days and the first thing you tell us is that you hope we don’t harass the new members?

 

707:

We’re no savages ^^

 

Yoosung:

Of course we treat them well! But why does it take so long to set the party date? We finally have people that can do Rikas job, so why are you waiting?

 

V:

Please, there are… considerations to make.

 

V:

I just need a little more time. Please understand. 

 

V:

I need to go now, I will get back to you, soon! Good bye!

 

_V has left the chatroom_

| 

   
  
 

Yoosung:

….

 

Yoosung:

Am I the only one who thinks this was weird?

 

707:

I think he’s just really busy with his new exhibitions. Don’t think too much of it.

 

Yoosung:

Huh? I feel like he isn’t excited at all! It has been almost two years since the last party.

 

Jumin Han:

I agree with Luciel.

 

Zen:

Yoosung, I get that you’re worried. But I am sure that V is working on this and will tell us the date, soon. Let’s trust him a bit more.

 

Yoosung:

…

 

Jaehee:

We all are excited about the party, I’m sure V is, too. Why don’t you try and calm down a bit? You don’t want to worry our new members, do you?

 

Yoosung:

Yeah

 

Yoosung:

Maybe you’re right. I’ll get going. I need to think.

 

_Yoosung left the chatroom._

| 

                                                   
  
---|---  
  
 

| 

You:

What just happened? Do Yoosung and V not get along with each other?

 

You:

Actually, forget that I asked. I don’t mean to be nosy. It is none of my business if he doesn’t talk about it, himself.

   
  
Zen:

No, it’s okay. You know, Rika was Yoosungs cousin. Her death has been especially hard on him since they were practically glued together. I think he still grieves for her. He tried to talk to V after Rikas death, but V always pushed him away. I think he wasn’t ready to talk about her, yet… He changed. We all did. Yoosung just didn’t take V’s change too well.

 

Zen:

Uhm, I guess that is all I can tell you.

 

Jaehee:

I think it has been enough already. It isn’t our place to talk about this without Yoosungs consent. Even though I admire your warm heart, Zen.  You clearly worry about him.

 

Zen:

I suppose. I’ll be off, then. Don’t forget to eat dinner, my two cute princesses ;)

 

_Zen left the chatroom_

 

 

Jaehee:

I’ll get going as well. Mister Han, please don’t forget your meeting with the Chairman tomorrow.

 

Jumin Han:

I won’t. Good bye.

 

_Jaehee left the chatroom._

_Jumin Han left the chatroom._

 

707:

I wish I could stay longer, but there’s a lot of work that I have to take care of, now.  Byeee~

 

_707 left the chatroom._

| 

   
  
 

You hover your finger over your screen and circle around the call button.

“Should I call him?” You murmur, more to yourself than to anyone in particular. You want to. Even though you weren’t sure why. Would he think that you’re nosy? Well, you _were_ nosy. But your concern for the cute blond guy was sincere. He felt like a kid to you and oddly enough, you felt the urge to protect him.

“Hmm? Call who?” Your sister calls from the kitchen. She’s just started preparing dinner.

“Yoosung. He seemed really down just now. I think I’ll give him a quick call. Just to check if he’s doing alright.”

.

.

“Hello?” His voice sounds hoarse. Had he been crying?

“Hey, it’s me. I hope you don’t find me annoying, but I was a little worried about you since you just left the conversation.” You bite your fist, was there anything more annoying than asking if you’re annoying? He didn’t seem to mind, however.

“huh? W-what? You were worried about me? … I guess since I didn’t explain myself and just left, it’s only normal to worry, right. Sorry to have worried you. I’m alright. It’s just that… ah. Forget about that. I’m fine.”

You don’t believe a word he says, but you are afraid that you were overstepping your boundaries with him.

“Are you sure…?” You want to tell him that he can confide in you, but you feel like it’s not your place to say so. You were the least trusting person you knew, so you had no right to tell somebody else to place his trust in you.

“Yeah… thank you for worrying about me. I’ll get going then.” He sounded so sad, so lonely. You feel a wall inside of you cracking at his voice.

“Wait!” you yell it before you can think this through.

“huh? What is it?” You are no less confused than him at your sudden outburst.

_Don’t pretend that you can shoulder other people’s emotional burdens, you can’t even shoulder your own._

_But I cannot simply NOT help. I’m used to dealing with pain, while he is not._

_You know what happens when you let people see behind your bars. They leave._

_I do know... I won’t let that happen, won’t let them see. But right now… I can’t let that boy suffer alone._

“I… I’m sorry. I might be going too far right here. But… You know, losing people. I know what it feels like. I know how it feels when everyone around you simply moves on when you’re not even close to being ready for that. When you feel like everyone else has already forgotten about the person that felt like he was the centre of your life. While you can’t forget him. It feels like being betrayed and you want to hurl up inside your own little shell. You think that nobody else but you is feeling the loss... So, if you want to talk, you can. I can’t my share memories of Rika, since I never got to know her. But I can listen to you. I can let you make me laugh with her funny stories. Or let you make me cry by her compassion. I can help you let her live on, even if it is just through little echoes of your own memory. Nobody has to know about this, this is just for you.”

You feel the truth behind your words and are almost overwhelmed by the weight of the offer you’ve just made. It was, what you had once wished somebody had said to you back then. But nobody ever did. Still, you want to offer it to him, even if it is all you can do for him.

He doesn’t say anything, but you can hear his muffled cries. For a while, you hear nothing but silent sobs on the other side. But that’s ok. You are patient. You can wait for his answer. It takes some minutes, but he speaks eventually.

“C- can I really?” His voice sounds even more hoarse. You want to hug him and tell him that it’s all going to be alright. _Strange_.

“Yes. I would be very honoured.” It has been long since you last said something comparably truthful. You mean every word of it. It kind of scares you.

“Gosh… I feel so unmanly right now. But I am happy. Thank you… I feel like your soul just touched mine, right there hehe.” You smile, it is exactly what seemed to have happened.

Yoosung starts telling you stories about Rika. About her charitable nature and how she always motivated him to strive for something better and do well in his life. The more he talks about her, the more you can imagine her. She must have been a gentle soul. No wonder the RFA grew apart after her death, she must have been what held them together. You know that it was a foolish wish, but you hoped that somehow, you could do the same for them. And if you couldn’t do it yourself, your sister would be able to do it. She was after all, as your father always put it, the _right_ version of yourself.


	7. Top Zen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are starting to grow more into your role as a full member, friend and sister, but you still can't let anybody see the real you. 
> 
> You try to call Seven but he doesn’t answer.  
> You are just about to call him again, but then you stop and a really stupid and really impulsive thought enters your head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, the time span of this is longer than the original one. The next chapter is a tie-in with this one. written from Saerans Point of view. Explaining his growing obsession over you. I figured, that in his broken state, he can't go from completely insane and constantly high on drugs, to just "love" you yet.  
> Just as you can't go from outright being suspicious to falling in love with him in your emotional state.  
> In my mind, this wouldn't make sense. But his obsession over you is his own version of falling for you. At least while he is still on drugs and being brainwashed my Mint Eyes mantras.

# Top Zen

 

It has been over two weeks now since you and your sister moved into the apartment. Your sister even started to go home décor- shopping to make this space here more “your own.” She carefully placed all of Rika's things inside the closet right beside the bed and started filling it with her and your own clothes. The space was small, but it was feeling more like a place that you were looking forward to coming home after your sessions with Jumin and Jaehee.

Jumin started having other people inside the room, mostly trainees or interns, while the two of you were studying. Or more likely you were studying and he was nagging at you. You started not minding his presence as much as you did two weeks ago. You still didn’t know how to feel about this.

Jaehee had started to step outside her shell as well, she even lends her DVD from one of Zen’s musical to you after you’ve asked her about it.

Your sister made a habit out of picking you up at the office and you tend to get hot chocolate afterwards on your way back home. She even started to relax about this whole hacker thing as nobody has heard anything about him since the first day.

Anybody but you, that is.

Whenever you’re alone in public, you can’t stop but feel like someone is watching you. It is not the threatening kind of watching, it feels more like a curious “looking out for you”. It was hard to explain. Sometimes when you felt that the whole world around you was suffocating you, you would find a piece of candy inside your bag that you knew you hadn’t put in there. It was still somehow uncomfortable that this someone managed to get this close to you without you noticing it, but since he didn’t do you any harm, you didn’t mind too much. It was oddly comforting to have someone noticing whenever you weren’t feeling alright. Even though you knew that this someone could still be dangerous.

But you keep thinking… Yoosung said something like this a while ago, what if Rika arranged for this Unknown to make you take over her work after her death. What if this someone really only wanted to fulfil Rika's wish?

You’ve just logged into the messenger, when you see a notification popping up on your screen, telling you that you have a text message. You open it, it’s from Unknown.

You don’t know how you feel. Excited? A little afraid? It was a mix of both.

 

Unknown:

Did you find the candy I gave you this morning? It’s the one I love to eat when I’m feeling down ~

| 

   
  
---|---  
  
 

| 

You:

I did. If you were this close to me, why didn’t you talk to me then? Don’t you think it’s unfair? That you know who I am, but I don’t get to know you?  
  
Unknown:

Patience, princess. Remember what I told you on your first day? I’ll come get you, soon. I don’t lie. I would never lie to you, so wait a little longer for me. In the meantime, you have to do well at the RFA. Promise me?

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Alright, I promise. But you have to promise me that you will let me meet you? I have so many questions I want to ask you.  
  
Unknown:

You’re so cute^^. I start to like you even more. I have a lot of questions for you as well. Just wait a bit more so it will be even more fun when you see me IRL. We will meet when you keep being such a good girl like this

| 

   
  
 

You blush. He was teasing you, wasn’t he? You look around to see if someone was grinning at  his phone, close to you. But almost everyone was on his phone and you didn’t see someone that you think you’ve met before.

You know that you should report straight to Seven that the hacker contacted you again. But you simply don’t. You needed to know. You had to solve this puzzle. And until then, you would keep it a secret.

Your sister waves at you from the car and you stand up from the little coffee table with two paper mugs full of hot chocolate in your Hands.

 

 

“Hey! How was your lesson?” Your sister takes the hot mugs from you so that you can actually get into the car.

“It was good, really. Jaehee gave me one of her musical DVDs from Zen. She told me that if there was a particular piece we must watch, it’s this one.” Your sister chuckles.

“Remind me to give her a call, later and thank her. She is so sweet. Under her formal mask, she is simply a fan girl regarding everything that has to do with Zen. It’s really funny that Zen doesn’t even seem to notice that she’s a fan.” You think so too and you both smile in agreement.

Living with your sister has become both easier and harder at the same time. She didn’t feel like an intruder anymore and you got used to being around her. But then again, it has really become difficult to not let her see the darkness inside of you. Last week, she stepped into the bathroom while you just got out of the shower and you were almost too slow to cover your legs. The tiny spots where you had so many scars from years ago. You don’t want her to see. Ever. You’re glad that it’s the cold season, so that you don’t have to wear shorts or short skirts. Thinking about it, just the mere thought of summer was troubling to you.

“Oh and also, I have a present for you.”

You almost spit out your hot chocolate.

“What? Why? I didn’t forget some weird Korean holiday, did I? because I’ve got nothing for you?” You feel insecure all of a sudden and start blushing again. She tended to do that to you. Making you blush. The less you minded her mere presence, the more you started becoming insecure in front of her. You kept thinking about giving her things she likes, or doing things for her that made her happy. You were becoming really weird of late.

She only laughs.

“Nah, I just wanted to give something to you ~ well technically I kind of gave something to myself with this gift. I’ve met up with Zen this morning because I wanted some tickets to his show tonight. He managed to get us two seats. Jaehee will be coming as well.” She smiles one of those smiles that would make every guy swoon and you blush again.

“Jaehee?? But I just met her, why didn’t she say anything?”

Her smile turns into a smirk.

“Because, lovely Jaehee doesn’t know about her luck, yet.”

Then she turns a little more serious.

“Look, if you don’t want to go, then that’s ok. Just say the word, alright? But to be honest, I would really like it if you came with me. You’re doing so much and you’re working so hard to stay in the RFA, and I just want to reward you for your hard work.”  You feel ridiculous. You felt like you didn’t contribute anything until now. You want to ask her if she hit her head, but judging her expression, she was dead serious.

You sigh. “Yes, I would love to go with you. As long as you don’t make me wear something weird ok? Besides, I really want to see Zen acting. Thank you.” You mean it, even though your voice sounded a little rusty. But she knows that you mean it and smiles again.

.

.

.

“Yeah, remember the talk we had this morning? About me not wearing anything weird? _This here_ is never going to happen.” Your sister pouts at you while holding up a red, long dress.

“We would be SO overdressed. It’s not a film premiere or anything and we’re no VIPs.” She continues to pout.

“Also, wouldn’t Zen think that we dressed up this much just for him? I think his Ego is big enough already. Best not to feed the beast.” Still pouting.

“It is way too chic for a simple night out and -  oh for Christ’s sake give it to me already, you evil witch!” She smiles as if she found a pot of gold and you take the dress and step into the bathroom to hide your embarrassed face. You take a closer look at the dress. There was a little sign inside the dress with a little nametag on it. You almost scream as you read it. It had your mother’s name on it.

How did she… when did she… and why you?

Your thoughts were a mess.

Your sister knocks on the door.

“Is everything okay in there?”

You almost jump at her voice. “Yes… Why did you want me to wear the dress? I mean, she gave it to you, not me.”

She takes some time before answering. “I don’t know, I just thought it would look good on you. Even though we’re twins, I feel that you look much more like her than I do. I think she wouldn’t mind me giving it to you if she was still alive.” You feel your throat tightening. It was the greatest compliment she could have given you.

“Thank you” You whisper it. her “You’re welcome” is just as quiet.

It’s dangerous. You start to feel comfortable around her and you start wanting to trust her. But you also know that she wouldn’t be able to handle the real you. No one could.

_But maybe she can?_

_Don’t be ridiculous. She’s shining so bright, don’t even think about infecting her with your darkness. You can never be so selfish._

It made you feel lonely. But it was for the best, right? It’s just that …  moments like this make you wonder how it would have felt to have her with you during your childhood. Would things be different now? Would you be able to shine as bright as she did? You snort at yourself. Where there was light, there always was shadow at well. Maybe it has always been meant to be this way. Maybe she could only be so bright, because you were not. It was best to just accept one’s role in life. It made the suffering easier. For you at least.

You look at the dress inside your hands. It was just a piece of clothing, right? It would be okay to wear it, if even just for tonight. No big deal.

You slip into the dress and can’t stop staring at the reflection inside the mirror. Your mother was looking at you. No, wait, this was really you!

Your sister grows impatient at the other side.

“What’s taking you so long, I want to see, as well.” You muster up all your courage and step outside the bathroom.

The look on your sister’s face is priceless.

“Yes, I knew I could never pull it off as well as you.  It fits you like a second skin,” You feel your cheeks heating up.

“Is it really okay for me to wear it?”  She waves at you with her hand and opens the closet. “See those pieces right there, those three dresses are all from her. I will wear the blue one here, what do you think?”

You stare at the piece. “It will suit you perfectly. Your mother really had style.” The smile disappears from her face as if it had never been there.

“what did you just say?”

“huh?” You can’t remember saying anything weird.

“So you said it without directly thinking about it. That’s even worse.” She frowns at you. Your breath quickens. What did you say that made her mad?

“You said – and I quote – YOUR mother had style. As in we don’t have the same parents, that makes us not related. Not sisters. Not twins. Is that honestly how you think?” She looks hurt. So damn hurt and you only realize now how this must have sounded to her.

“No, I- I mean. Sorry.” You can’t put it into words. Not if she looked at you like this.  She’s mad and it makes you avert your eyes. Mad faces always make you avert your eyes, but she doesn’t know that because how would she know about this. Alas, she takes it as her being right about this.

“I see. So I was the only one thinking that over the last months, we were making progress. I’m sorry for being this stupid.”

And there it is. Disappointment. The one emotion you can’t handle. You can handle anger. You can handle hate. But disappointment, it shoves you back into that dark place inside your heart.

She waits a few more heartbeats, but since you don’t say anything, she turns around and grabs her jacket. 

“What am I even doing here?” and then she’s out.

You feel something inside of you crushing .

_Told you so. You had better not let her touch your rotten heart._

Your inner voice mocks you and you think that now is a good time to have one of your “special” showers.

_____

He had a meeting scheduled with his Saviour herself. It was rare for her to order him go see her these days. She was usually busy with inducting new principles and plotting for their party of paradise. So he didn’t know what exactly he was supposed to make of this now.

When he entered the room, she was sitting on her bed while painting pictures of the sun. She turned her head towards him and smiled.

“Sae Sae, it is so nice to see you. I’ve missed you, lately. You haven’t come visit me as often as you used to.” Was she jealous? That was impossible, right?

“Why would you say that? I’m just trying to get you the best result regarding the RFA as possible. You know I want only the best for you.” She keeps smiling. Then she pats her hand on the empty spot next to her and he hurries to sit down on the soft silken sheets.

“You know, you say that, but I’ve noticed you visiting the outside world a little more, lately. You used to say that you hated going outside, so I was wondering what made you go so often…?” she has this sweet, girlish tone in her voice, but he knew that he had to be careful with his wordings. She was just too easy to upset since this little piece of shit showed up on their doorsteps. He still didn't know why she let him stay, did she still have feelings for him? That was impossible too, right? Since she herself said that he was the biggest liar out of them all.

“Oh that. Do you remember the girl that we made to go join the RFA? Well according to my GPS, she’s been paying that Trust Fund Kid a visit every day for the last weeks. I just wanted to check if there was anything out of the ordinary. If we could still trust her.” He lied to her before he could actually think the better of this. Why did he lie to her? Something smelled fishy.

“Oh my, ever the hard working Sae Sae. It’s so nice seeing you putting in so much effort. Keep up the good work, I’m so proud of you, because I know that you’re always honest with me. You would never lie, not like those who made your life so miserable before I took you in, right ~ ?”

He instantly felt a pang of guilt inside his chest. He should tell her the truth, but what would happen if he did? Would she tell him to get rid of the girl? Probably, right? But what then? He didn’t want to get rid of her. Not yet. So he kept lying.

“Always and forever. My Saviour is all I need.”

She caressed his cheeks. It was hard for him to stay still, even though it was her. Touching was one of those things that were almost unbearable to him. Then she kisses him on his mouth. He knew what was going to happen now. He usually was happy when he got chosen by her, but right now he didn’t want her to kiss him. Or touch him. Or make love to him. He didn’t want any of it. As soon as she kissed him, he started thinking if _her_ lips would taste different than the ones of his Saviour and he hated himself for even just thinking like that. Hated himself so much, that he was extra devoted to make her cum this time.

.

When she turns around again and continues painting, he knows that he is dismissed for now. He bits her farewell and leaves the room with a bitter taste still left in his mouth.

Weird. Maybe he was becoming resistant to the meds? He had to ask the doctors if they had a stronger vial Happy-Liquid for him.

_____

Hours have passed and you can’t find your sister. It was almost time to go to Zen’s play. It wasn’t like her to just disappear and you start to panic.

You call Jaehee first.

“Hello, this is Assistant Jaehee Kang speaking.” Wow, she was just as stiff on the phone as her boss. You refrain from telling her that.

“Hey Jaehee, it’s me. Did… Did my sister by any chance happen to be at your place?” You try not to sound desperate. You fail miserably.

“No, she’s not here. Why? Did anything happen?”

You bite your lip. You don’t want to worry her, but you can’t help it since you are worried yourself.

“Uhm… It’s just that she went outside a few hours ago and hasn’t come back. I’d usually respect her privacy, but since Zen’s play is going to start soon and she isn’t back yet to change into the dress she wanted to wear, I was getting worried. Come to think of it, you do know about the Play, right? We have tickets, or at least my sister has tickets, for all of us girls.”

You hear a loud pang, Jaehee must have dropped her phone just now.

“What? Tickets? R-Really? I didn’t know that! But what’s wrong with your sister? Where is she?” Yes, where indeed.

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m calling you. I thought that she might be at your place already. I’ll go and call around. Maybe one of the others knows something.” You were really starting to freak out just now.

“Alright, call me again if you know something. I’ll see you then, I guess?”

“Yeah, I’ll get going now.”

Shit. Where was she?

 

Next was Yoosung

“Hey cutie pie Yoosung. Did you, by any chance, get in contact with my sister?”

He used to stammer whenever you called him cutie pie, but he was starting to become bolder. After your fateful call back then, he was your closest friend within the RFA. It was so easy to talk to him and you really enjoyed speaking with him.

“Hey you! What’s this about your sister? No, I haven’t heard anything from her. Is everything alright? You sound a little stressed out… I’m in the middle of a LOLOL round, but if you want, we can talk about it?” Oh, he was already able to hear you being stressed out even though you used his nickname? You’re kind of embarrassed now.

“Ah no, it’s just… we had a fight and now she’s outside somewhere and I don’t know when she’ll be back. Don’t worry about it. Are you free tonight? Around twelve-ish? I’d like to talk to my gaming friend over there.” Now he’s embarrassed. You just called him your friend. But that was what he is. You might not let him see every side of you, but you feel like out of all the other RFA members, you could be most honest with him.

“y-yeah! Superstar Yoosung is free tonight. Uhm, I’ll await your call then. Text me when you find your sister, will you?”

“Alright.”

Although you didn’t find your sister yet, talking to Yoosung always made you feel lighter inside.

You try to call Seven but he doesn’t answer.

You are just about to call him again, but then you stop and a really stupid and really impulsive thought enters your head.

 

 

| 

You:

Hey, I know you told me to be a bit more patient. But I really need your help right now… I know that you can hack other people’s devices, right? I need you to find the GPS signal of the following number:  +82 10-606-xoxo her phone model is a SA galaxy S7. She ran away and I really need to find her!  
  
---|---  
  
It takes some time for him to text back

 

| 

   
  
Unknown:

Lol. Don’t you have your own hacker inside the RFA? What do you need me for? Just ask him, I’m sure he will be super happy to help.

| 

   
  
 

| 

You

Do you really want me to ask him? I know that he is a hacker, too. But it would be nice if it was you that helped me. He always has so much work to do and I think that you can locate her quicker? Pretty please? I’ll make it up to you when we see each other.  
  
Unknown:

No. I don’t want you to ask him for anything. Ever. Hmm, that does sound nice. Alright, I’ll help you. I’ll tell you the prize as soon as we meet.

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Thank you. I won’t forget this.  
  
 

He’s actually inhumanly fast. It only takes him two minutes to send you the address. Which makes you wonder if he already hacked her phone before. You get a little uncomfortable feeling on the back of your neck, but you shake it off. For now.

So she was inside a Café around the corner. For real?

You grab your jacket, your bag and her dress. Then you go downstairs and walk into the café. She is sitting at one of the tables in the corner at the back. She is pouting at her phone.

You approach her with silent steps but she spots you right away.

“How did you find me?!” she asks with one eyebrow arched up. You hesitate. “Well… You know… I have my resources…” her brow is still arched up but you sit down next to her, anyways. She tries to swipe away the picture that she was looking at but you still see it and it leaves you breathless.

“Uhm… is that… Is that us?” You remember the day this photo was taken, but you never got to see the photo itself. Your father kept it from you.

It was a humid day and your parents kept fighting the whole time. You and your sister were wearing a red and a blue dress. Even though your parents were fighting, the two of you were happy back then.

“…Yes. I wanted us to be like this again. Am I really such an idiot for thinking like that? For hoping that the two of us could be real sisters again?”

You are unsure of what to say. Was she being foolish? If you were honest to yourself, it was what you wanted, too.

“No, I don’t think that it is foolish to hope for that. We might not go back in time, but maybe we can still make it work. I just need time. I won’t be the perfect sister for you, but I will try. For now, that is the best I can give you.” You pray to god that it is enough for her. When did you start to wish for someone to be close to you?

It was just like with Yoosung. Before meeting your sister, building up friendships was impossible for you. Did her light touch you so much, already? She is incredible and it makes you even more desperate for her to accept you.

She rocks back and forth on her stool. Seriously considering what you said. It makes you so nervous that you want to scream.

“Alright. I accept. But you are never allowed to say something like ‘your mother’ or ‘my father’ again. We have the same parents. Got it?” You nod eagerly.

“And now tell me, how did you find me?” You think about straight out lying but then decide that may feed her a part of the truth.

“A friend told me how to find you.” It was weird to refer to Unknown as a friend. Even more since you still didn’t know if he meant harm or not. But at least today, he had helped you. So it wasn’t entirely false, right?

“Oh, so you _do_ have friends. Do you consider me one of them?” She asks, clearly fishing for compliments. You decide to not give her the satisfaction.

“No.” Her whole face falls and it makes you feel bad.

“No, you’re not just my friend. You’re my sister.” You shove the dress into her lap. “now go and change, blue has always been your colour.” You think she’s going to hug you in front of all those people but thanks god she can hold it in. Even though she looks like puppy that just got a thousand treats. She gets up and changes on the guest-bathroom.

.

.

.

.

Jaehee changed into one of her black dresses after seeing the two of you. It feels like a real girl’s night with all of you driving to see Zen. When you enter the Theatre, he sneaks out from behind the curtains to greet you.

“Jaehee! It is so good to see you. Thank you for taking the time to see me. I know that you have a really busy schedule. But it means even more to me, knowing that you made the time to especially come and support me.” He winks at her and she blushes.

“You know that I would always support you. I even tried to get tickets, but it was so soon sold out. I’m so happy that our new members managed to get some. I’ll look forward to your play, but I know that you will be fabulous as always.”

Zen laughs wholeheartedly. “my my, you really know what an actor wants so hear. But who do we have here? The RFA twins. My ladies, you look extremely lovely. I was so curious to finally see you. After meeting your sister this morning, I couldn’t wait for tonight. You two are even more beautiful than I imagined.” Your sister giggles while you only roll your eyes. But you still smile nonetheless.

“We’re looking forward to see you act. Jaehee keeps telling us how great you are. So don’t disappoint us.” You wave at him to let him know that you were joking and he laughs again.

“With people that I know in the crowd, I feel super pumped. I’ll make sure to be even better than normal for you. Have fun, I’ll need to get back now.” You wish him good luck and then he’s off.

You’re glad that your sister gave the tickets to you. Zen might be narcissistic, but the way he acted. It was impressive. He made the crowd laugh, he made the crowd cry. He was a magician on the stage. At the end of the play, you can’t help but stand up with the other spectators and clap.

“He’s amazing, is he not?” You can almost see the hearts in Jaehees eyes.  But you had to admit, he really was something else. “Yes, it was a fantastic show.”

The three of you wait for Zen after the show and you keep talking for a while. It is nice. It feels natural. –being with those people made you almost forget how different you are inside. It was all possible because your sister keeps helping you up when you were down. You have to thank her someday.

When you get home, you feel like you’re seven again. You wearing your red dress, while she was wearing her blue one.

It is just as you said, you can’t turn back the time, but you can still try and make the best out of today.

 


	8. Be mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His meeting with his Saviour left him feeling empty and bitter.  
> He went back to his room but wasn’t able to concentrate at all. He kept making mistakes while trying to write a new code, it wasn’t like him at all.  
> What was it that made him feel this way? There was no reason to feel like this. He had been chosen by the Saviour herself, just moments ago. And still, he had not been able to get his release. Being with her today felt wrong. Perhaps because his mind was occupied with the images of someone else?  
> He gulped down another dose of the medication and usually this would do the trick. But not this time. Not today. It only made it worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV Saeran
> 
> There is smut in this chapter. oops, I guess? lol

Why was the mere thought of her making him feel so complicated? He had seen her this morning. She was looking like a lost little doll. Her eyes just as empty as his on his bad days. He had been scrolling though the text messages she had been exchanging with those other idiotic members of her little pathetic save-the-world-club. Nothing would explain the hollow look on her face.

Somehow, seeing her like this made his chest sting. He had to get near to her, even though he wasn’t able to touch her.

She was spacing out on the train and didn’t even notice him standing back to back with her. The train stops and people want to get past them, he pushes his body closer to her and she doesn’t even notice that. She tries and grabs the pole next to him to get a better grip, it is only a small moment but it is enough for him to let the candy that he was holding with his fingers, drop into her bag. It was sugar coated lemon candy. One of his favourite. She would like it, too. He was sure of it.

He had been watching her when she found the candy in her back and he tried to memorise all the subtle changes in her face when she unpacked it. Her eyes, that came back from the dead, the little twitch of her lips and the way her brows went a few millimetres higher at the sight. Yes, she liked it. She liked everything he gave to her. She must like him, too. He licked his lips when she ate the candy, knowing exactly how her lips would taste in this moment. Knowing that they would taste like the piece of candy _he_ gave to her. The thought was… delicious.

He had restrained himself for so long, he couldn’t hold it in any longer, so he texted her.

.

.

The thought of her wanting to meet him made his heart explode. He almost walked up to her and took her with him right in this moment. But he knew that he couldn’t do that. If he brought her back with him to Mint Eye, there was no way to justify his actions. They would make here a common disciple. Or worse. They would let her become one of those _Happy-Girls_ that were for everyone to use. Others would be able to touch her. To taste her lips. To _fuck_ her.

He suddenly grew anxious and couldn’t breathe. No. He saw her first. He brought her to that apartment. He chose her. She was his. He had to do this right, he would definitely do this right.

His phone rang and pulled him out of his thoughts that were growing darker with every passing second.

“Sae Sae, are you free this afternoon to come and meet me? I really want to talk to you. Alone” He knew that voice even without looking at the display. He would never confuse this voice. The melody, the rhythm, he heard in his darkest moments. And he heard it when he finally saw the light for the first time in his life. His light, his life, his Saviour.

“I’m always free for you. You know that you never have to ask.”  He felt a little sting inside his chest as he said it, but he didn’t know why.

“That is so good to hear. Then come and meet me after lunch, will you?” Of course he would. The question was unnecessary. He assured her to be there and she hung up. The stinging sensation grew only deeper as he started the car and started driving back to Mint Eye.

His meeting with his Saviour left him feeling empty and bitter.

He went back to his room but wasn’t able to concentrate at all. He kept making mistakes while trying to write a new code, it wasn’t like him at all.

What was it that made him feel this way? There was no reason to feel like this. He had been chosen by the Saviour herself, just moments ago. And still, he had not been able to get his release. Being with her today felt wrong. Perhaps because his mind was occupied with the images of someone else?

He gulped down another dose of the medication and usually this would do the trick. But not this time. Not today. It only made it worse.

When his drugs kicked in, he started feeling dizzy, so he laid down on his bed. The room around him spinning like a crazy carousel.

Someone touched him, when he turned around, he was looking into the blue eyes he was longing for so, so bad.

She was simply there. Not saying anything. Not doing anything, but even so, he felt better at an instant. He moaned and dug his face deep into her hair. She smelled like lemon and sugar, just like the piece of candy he gave to her this morning. He pulled her close to him and started kissing her. Always whispering her name into the little distance that was between his lips and her skin.

She threw her head back and granted him access to her collarbone. He could hear her heart racing just as quick as his own and he felt like he needed nothing but the sound of her pulsating life.

He ripped her shirt apart and kissed her soft breasts. She moaned in pleasure, or was it him? His voice and her voice mixed together like they belonged.

“Say it, say it and I will bring you greater pleasure than any other man can.” He is breathless, but he needs to hear it from her directly.

“S-Saeran, please. I love you. I want to be yours! Please take me to paradise!” he rolls his eyes upwards and feels completely overwhelmed. The synapsis in his brain exploding. “Yes, Princess. You’re such a good girl.” He wanders down until he is stopped by her drenched panties. He slides them to the sides and sticks a finger between her wet skin. She rocks forward at the sensation and he giggles. He takes the finger out and tastes her juices. She tastes sweet like sugar and he knows he needs to taste more of it.

He spreads her legs completely and buries his face between them. His tongue gliding over her sensitive spot in slow, circular motions, carefull to squeeze as much juice out of her, as he can. She is getting out of breath, her words becoming less and less coherent with every full circle.

“P---please Saeran, I… I… quickeeher.!” She wishes for it in the most beautiful voice ever, so who was he to deny her such an easy to fulfil wish? He went quicker and shoved two of his fingers inside of her. She screamed his name as he did it.  She cums shortly after this, spilling the sweet fluid right into his mouth. He sucks in all of it and retreats from her body.

He takes off his clothes, revealing his hard cock. She is quick to get on her knees and look at him while she kisses it. Her eyes wide and innocent. He grabs her at her hair and leads her closer to his length, slowly thrusting it into her mouth. God, she feels good. Warm, wet and exactly the way he wants her to feel like. She starts rocking her face back and forth, taking as much of him in as she can. He feels the head of his cock hitting her throat and when she makes the first gurgling noise, he almost loses it.

He immediately pulls out of her and yanks her up to her feet. He leads her to his desk and places her ass on the edge of it. Then he grabs her neck, not squeezing it, just placing her forehead on his chest so that she can watch as he thrusts inside of her.

She’s heaven. She’s hell. She is life. She’s death.

Thrusting. Screaming. Thrusting. Moaning. Thrusting. Wishing. Thrusting. Promising. It is a never ending circle of all the beauty and all the ugliness of things. He wants to own her. He wants to please her. He can’t take all the emotions that she makes him feel right in this moment.

He cums and he feels like dying. Then coming back to life. Then dying again. Until he released the last wave of his seeds inside of her.

He embraces her, suddenly feeling like he needs to hold on to her as if his life depended on it.

“You're mine. Princess. Your heart belongs to me.”

Then he falls over, barely catching himself from hitting the surface of his desk. His hands around his now dormant Penis. Where was he? Who had he been thinking of?

He can’t remember, but he feels a devastating, striking loss inside his heart that even another dose of Happy-Liquid can’t erase.

.

.

„So, how are you feeling today?”  The man in white looks at his patient with his neutral mask in prefect place.

Saeran was sitting on a white chair inside a white room. The only thing that was filled with colours, were his clothes.

“I don’t know. I feel like the medicine isn’t helping me anymore. I feel anxious all the time and whenever I have nothing else to do, I keep thinking of this girl inside this apartment. So I keep throwing myself into all kinds of work. But it doesn’t help. It’s only getting worse. I can’t think of anything else anymore and I feel like drowning whenever I close my eyes. I even started to dream of her.” He averts his eyes. As soon as he started talking about her, he sees her again. She is standing in the corner behind the doctor. She looked lovely, as always. Her hair a cascade of chestnut and golden honey. Her blue eyes were focused on him. He never wanted those eyes to look at anything but him.

He keeps staring at her and the man in white turns around to see what the boy in front of him was looking at. But all he saw was a white corner inside a white room. He turned back to his patient.

“The girl. Is she here, right now?”

Saeran couldn’t focus on the male voice that was coming from the doctor. He was being sucked in by the presence of his muse. No, of his nightmare. No, of his deepest wishes.

“Is she here, Saeran?” The words were warped and strange as if they had to conquer time and space itself to reach him. As soon as they touched his ears, he slowly, so very slowly, turned his head towards the sound.

“I can see her. I can always see her. I’m scared. She makes me more. And she makes me less at the same time. I can’t stop it. Her heart. I want to rip it from her body so that no one else can have it. But I don’t want her to stop existing. I can’t let her stop existing.”

The doctor starts writing things down on his notepad.

“You said, you started dreaming of her... what kind of dreams do you have about her?”  He opened his mouth to answer. He had been told to always speak to truth when talking to either the Saviour, or the doctors.

 _“Don’t tell him. He won’t understand. He will tell the Saviour to take me away from you. You promised to come and get me. You can’t break your promise.”_ She was sitting on the floor and looked like she was about to cry. It made it hard for him to focus again.

“Saeran.” The other male voice was starting to grow impatient.

“I don’t know. I don’t remember, I just know that she was in my dreams when I wake up.” It isn’t completely made up. Most of the time, he really didn’t know anything about what happened during his dreams. But when he did, it left him pushing himself over the edge. He didn’t know how long he could take being separated from her, anymore. He needed to see her soon. He needed to mark her as his own. Claim ownership over her. Why was there still no set party date for the RFA? Was it because this good-for-nothing piece of human trash was still lingering here? It made him angry again. It was all because of him. He couldn’t be with her, because of him. He made a fist with his hands and felt his knuckles going white.

“Look, I need a higher dose of the drugs, ok? I need to concentrate on nothing but our plans. I can’t work well right now. I need more drugs, got it?”

The doc kept scribbling little words on his papers. “I’m not sure that is wise. I don’t know if your body can take more of our medicine. You dose is already higher than anyone else’s. The Saviour would send me straight into execution when she knew that it was me who killed her most beloved disciple with our own meds. Why don’t you go to the re-educators instead? Maybe you’ve been outside for too long? How about it?”

He almost stood up and smashed his skull like a watermelon with his fists at the proposal. Him going through re-education again? He was the right hand of the Saviour. He didn’t need re-education, he just needed more drugs for fucks sake.

He puts on the sweetest mask he can and smiles at the other man, instead. “tsk tsk tsk, what are you saying~. Don’t let anybody hear what you just said. Seriously, just making this proposal was more than stupid. Let’s be calm and think about it some more, shall we? I know my own body better than anybody. I know that I can take more. I’m special. Please reconsider giving me more drugs. I would greatly appreciate it.”

The doctor stared at him for a while. Then he sighs in defeat. “You know, there is a new version of our Happy-Liquid that we’ve been testing on the newly arrived trainees. The response has been incredible but it hasn’t been completely tested yet. However, if you really wanted, I could give it to you at your own risk. It works a little different from the medicine that you had before and you can’t mix them together. But it is definitely stronger, just as you wished.”

He doesn’t even need to think about it. “I’ll take it. All of it. I want it all.”

.

.

He felt like he could finally see the little threads that were holding the universe together. Never had he ever been this concentrated. There was no buzzing inside his head, no trace of her left in his thoughts. He is finally able to work again.

He finishes all the work he had scheduled for today in due time and only casually checks the GPS of each member again, after that.

His phone buzzes.

It’s that girl. It’s funny. He doesn’t feel anxious. She asks for help and he only laughs. She wants him to track her sister for her. _RFA’s own hacker_ could take care of it. She doesn’t need him. He tells her that. She takes a little longer to respond this time.

_Do you really want me to ask him? I know that he is a hacker, too. But it would be nice if it was you that helped me. He always has so much work to do and I think that you can locate her quicker? Pretty please? I’ll make it up to you when we see each other._

It stings. It shouldn’t sting but it does. It’s because she mentions asking him, is it not? He hates him so much. So much that he doesn’t want anybody to ask him for anything. It doesn’t have anything to do with her.

He helped her. But he would make her pay for it. Soon.


	9. Up in the sky with diamonds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your head starts aching. It wasn’t even noon and you already feel like you are about to explode. You need a shower session. Now. You sigh. This day really was one of those days…  
> The gruesome grin haunts you even as you start feeling the hot stream of water around you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for not posting anything. Work has been crazy the past days.

_You look like shit and you know it._

_It’s Friday night and you managed to sneak out from home after your father passed out on the sofa._

_Your fingers dial the number without looking and you wait exactly fifteen seconds before someone answers the phone. “I’ll be outside in a minute” is all you get to hear before the line is dead again. There is no love, no excitement, no nothing in his voice as he speaks. It’s okay though, you’re already used to his antics._

_After a few heartbeats, the door in front of you opens up just enough for you to slip through._

_“what took you so long? You were supposed to be here two hours ago?” He is standing in front of you and blocks your way in. You have no choice to answer in order to be granted access._

_“Sorry, you know how my old man is. He wouldn’t let me go and was unusually reluctant to drinking tonight.”_

_His stance relaxes, although not too much. “I kind of figured already. Come on in then. You’re lucky, we’ve still got some left for you.” You nod and led inside the basement. You don’t even bother greeting every pair of eyes that’s looking at you right now, they change every time you visit, anyways. The only person you know, is your host. Or your dealer, depending on who you’re asking._

_You sit down next to an already wasted guy that you swear is in the same history class as you, and are given the little glass pipe, right away. You sniff at it, it’s the premium stuff and inhale it deeply. Then you wait, for it to kick in._

_The next thing you actually remember is waking up in a half lit prison cell with someone in front of you. You can’t see well since you feel your face swollen up, but you do see a pair of shiny white teeth grinning at you._

_“Well well, since I was told that you are such a **good girl** , you can take more than just a few hits. Right? Re-educators, I’ll leave her to you then.”_

_You feel something hitting your stomach, then you pass out again._

_____

You wake up with your tongue feeling numb and dry. There is nothing in your environment that reminds you of your weird flashback/dream but the sound of rain that is clashing against the window pain. You usually like the melody of nature, but tonight it sounds just like little whispers from beyond. Pointing their fingers at you in accusation. You turn around again to find your sister still asleep. According to your phone, it’s only 3 ó clock. Wasn’t that supposed to be the haunted hour? Creepy. Dreams like this remind you of why you used to avoid sleep that much. Maybe he visited you in your dreams to haunt you? You check the messenger to see if any other member than you is having a messed up sleep schedule as well.

Zen is online.

Zen:

Look who’s a night owl as well. Heya sweetie J

| 

   
  
---|---  
  
 

| 

You

Hey Zen, I see that you’re not much of a sleeper as well? Maybe we should form a club?  
  
Zen:

Lmao yeah let’s do that

| 

   
  
Zen:

But seriously now, why aren’t you asleep?

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Well why aren’t you asleep second?  
  
Zen:

Oh, it’s nothing. I just had a weird dream… that tends to happen from time to time, so no need to worry. What about you?

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

What kind of weird dream? It’s the same reason for me.  
  
Zen:

You sure you want to hear about it?

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

I wouldn’t have asked, otherwise. Besides, I’m an expert regarding weird shit. So don’t worry about me.  
  
Zen:

Lol ok^^

| 

   
  
Zen:

Uhm, I was dreaming about you, actually

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

I’d say I’m flattered, but regarding the fact that it was a weird dream…  
  
Zen:

Yeah… I don’t know how to put it in words, properly.

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

What? Did something happen to me in your dreams? What gruesome death did I die?  
  
Zen:

What? Why are you saying that all of a sudden?

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

No particular reason. Sry, my humour is kind of dark. But seeing your reaction, I did die… huh?  
  
Zen:

Well… no. I mean, I don’t know? Like I couldn’t see everything. It was dark and you were in some kind of prison? There was a blonde woman in front of you but I only saw her back.

| 

   
  
Zen:

She was eerily calm, but the way she talked…

| 

   
  
Zen:

She ordered people to... hurt you.

| 

   
  
Zen:

And even though I couldn’t see her back properly… It felt like I knew that person.

| 

   
  
Zen:

She reminded me of… Rika.

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Rika? The woman who used to do the work that me and my sister are doing right now?  
  
Zen:

Yes… I know this is really messed up. I felt like it was too real to be just a dream… But it’s stupid right?

| 

   
  
Zen:

Rika is dead. Maybe my subconscious told me that her work is torturing you?

| 

   
  
Zen:

I’m sorry, this is really stupid. I shouldn’t have said anything.

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

No, it’s ok.  Maybe we should both get back to bed now. It’s a weird hour to wake up from weird dreams. Maybe both of us watched too many dramas on TV.  Don’t worry, we all have strange dreams sometimes.  
  
Zen:

You’re right. Sorry again. That was really stupid of me.

| 

   
  
Zen:

I know this won’t make you feel any better right now. But I promise you that I will protect you. So if anything is troubling you, don’t hesitate to call me.

| 

   
  
Zen:

I can be your knight in shining armour, if you let me ;)

| 

   
  
Zen:

Idk what’s gotten into me right now

| 

   
  
Zen:

I’ll get going before I become even more weird. Try to go to sleep as well

| 

   
  
_Zen has left the chatroom_

| 

   
  
 

You feel odd after that talk. So he… saw your dream? What? Was something like this even possible? It was just a coincident. Right? A very weird coincident. But there was no other way to explain it. You’ve never been the spiritual type, even though your father always made you go to church. But you felt like if there really was a god who punished humans for their sins, would he not have done something about your… situation? What divine purpose would justify his inactivity? No, if there were some godlike beings that roamed the universe, they were either not interested into humans at all, or they enjoyed toying with them. Making every life on earth worth nothing. Either was scary.

But what about you an Zen? What scientific explanation was there that explained A, the meaning behind that dream and B, your ability to share the same dream regarding you?

 

You get up and start to research right away.

.

You feel the first rays of the sunlight dancing on your arm and you are no cleverer than you were a few hours ago. Instead you find your fingers gliding over the paper with your pencil in your hand. You thought you were doodling while thinking, but when you take a closer look to what you’ve been actually drawing, you see the pair of teeth staring at you from the paper.

You jump up in surprise and crumble the piece of “art” into a tight paper ball and throw it into the bin, leaving a sour taste in your mouth.

.

.

“You know, I always felt like I had to do well in school. Because I wanted to be her support, to be her strength, when she herself had none… I sound weird, do I not?”

Everyone had good days and bad days. Today was one of the latter. For both, you and Yoosung.

“No, you don’t sound weird. I think it is amazing when you actually have so much strength that you feel like you can share it with someone else.” You were drawing with your pencil to clear your head. It was the one thing beside crying like a baby inside the shower, that really helped you to release some stress. And after catching yourself drawing those scary teeth again, you decide that you should pay a little more attention to what you’re actually drawing. You were stuck at drawing a picture of Yoosung, when the notorious blond cutie pie called you. Weird, was he able to read your mind now too? You are just about to tell him that you were drawing a picture of him, but he has that hoarse voice again and you know that now was not the time for it.

“Oh… you think? I guess if you put it that way, it might seem this way. But honestly, I feel that when I looked back, all I ever did was living for other people. I tried to be nice, because my mother taught me to be this way. I tried to be good at school, because Rika was good at school. And now that I live alone and with Rika gone…. I just have no one to live for anymore. The gaming, the skipping classes… Last week, I noticed that I don’t even know my professors name and its already the end of the semester.” He sighs and you get him. Talking about what troubles you was more than exhausting.

“Hmm, honestly I don’t know if I can agree with you. I feel like yes, your mother taught you how to be nice, but you _are_ nice because you have a kind heart. And you were doing good at school because you are smart. That you tried to strive after your role model doesn’t change the fact that you were only able to get good grades because of _your own_ efforts. About now, I think you just have to figure out who you really are. Because if you only ever thought that you were only being this way because of others, you never really tried to look inside the mirror and find yourself in it.” Yoosung is quiet after that. Processing what you just said.

“What...what do you see in me?” You knew that he was going to ask it eventually. But you also know that answering it wouldn’t truly help him. He had to find the answers to that himself, you could help him reach his final destination, but you couldn’t take away his journey. That’s just not how it works. It is never how those things work.

“All kind of things. Instead of telling you, I’ll help you find out those things on your own. How about it?” You can hear him smile as he speaks.

“You’re using your special gift on me now? You know, the one where you see things in people nobody else does?” You know what he means. He said something similar after your first meeting with Jumin. Was it a special gift? You’re not sure about that. You feel like all you do is _really_ look at someone. Everyone could do that.

“It’s not a special gift if everyone has the ability to use it.” you say.

“That might be true. But I personally think that even though everyone can move, not everyone can dance. It’s the same with you, just because everyone can see people, it doesn’t mean they can truly see them for what they are.” You’ve never thought about it that way, but there was a truth in his words.

“hmm, that is because everyone has two faces. The one that he wants people to see and the one that he doesn’t, I’m just good at discovering the second.”

“You think? I always feel like a one-page story. I don’t really think I have a different face that I don’t show anybody.” Thinking about it, he always seemed cheerful and quirky. But in his talks with you, he showed a shade of his second nature, but it seems like he didn’t even realize it yet.

“trust me, everyone does.” It’s a simple statement, but it’s no less true.

“Oh? Hmm. I should think about my second face, then… What about you? What’s your second face like?”

It hits you off guard. It’s only natural for him to ask, but you’re still thrown off by it. You don’t know what to say.

“It’s dark I guess. Then again, I can’t tell you, wouldn’t be much of a ‘hidden’ second face if I just told you, right?” You try to make it sound like a joke.

“Hmm, you’re right. Maybe I should start examining you a lot closer from now on?” what? You absolutely did not want to encourage him to dig past your thick walls that you’ve settled inside in. He clears his throat. “Uhm, that sounded like I was hitting on you sooo hard hahaha. I didn’t mean it like that, I swear. Uhm, best to drop the topic. What to talk about…” Oh, now that he mentioned it, you could have taken it as a try to flirt with you. But you are you, and that’s not the way your brain works. You don’t say anything and are simply happy that he was changing the topic on his own.

You end up talking about his last LOLOL explorations and you honestly consider starting to play it. leaving reality behind sounded...alluring. But then you remember that you can’t use the Computer that was installed here. Thinking about it, you weren’t allowed to use a lot of things in here. You wonder why…

Your head starts aching. It wasn’t even noon and you already feel like you are about to explode. You need a shower session. Now. You sigh. This day really was one of those days…

The gruesome grin haunts you even as you start feeling the hot stream of water around you.


	10. Chasing again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were getting used to feel as if you were being watched by someone. And until now, you always felt like it was a friendly ‘watching over you’ kind of thing, but it was different today. It had been a week since you last heard from the hacker, but even though you feel like it’s him that is watching you, the whole air around him seems to have changed. It feels more… crisp? Cleaner? Colder. Wrong.

_Before everything, the universe was nothing but a blank slate. Then the first god, out of the wish to express himself exploded into never ending sprinkles of lights that touched the blank canvas of our galaxy and dipped it into the colours of life. This is how we were created. All of us. We are, so to say, remnants of the first god. Walking around in sorrowful amnesia. The fact that it is us that create and change the world with every breath, every step, every day we live, long forgotten._

 ____

 

_V has entered the chatroom_

| 

   
  
---|---  
  
V:

Hey everyone… I was hoping to meet at least some of you online. But it looks like everyone is sleeping right now so I’ll just leave my messages here for you to read.

| 

   
  
V:

I know that it has been weeks since our new members joined the RFA and that there is still no set party date. After thinking it through, I’ve come to the conclusion that we should hold the party in the new year. To be precise, I was thinking about February the 23rd

| 

   
  
V:

But that is not all. Even though the official RFA party will be held in February, I think it would be good if our new members get the chance to get a little more accustomed to the procedure of party planning. So I think that throwing a Christmas event in the name of C&R will be a good idea. It will leave the sensation of “RFA’s first party” untouched and the lovely ladies can practise a little, or watch and learn – whatever they prefer

| 

   
  
V:

That’s all. I will call Jumin later today to make the necessary arrangements. Good night everyone

| 

   
  
_V has left the chatroom_

| 

   
  
 

 ______

You stare at the screen. You just woke up and wanted to quickly check the messenger before getting up and making yourself ready for another lesson at the C&R building. So there really was going to be a party after all. It is odd. It is weird. And you can’t explain it but just by looking at the little letters on the screen, you can tell that something is going on. Something is definitely not right. At all. How do you know? No idea, but somehow it always seems like V is in a hurry. Jumin explained to you that he was traveling a lot and getting connection was a little difficult for V, but still. To you, it seemed like he was on the run. You know the signs. You’ve been there before.

Before your mind can take you down the memory lane, your sister stirs behind you. You get her phone for her and place it in her hands. She takes a moment to read all the words AND comprehend their meaning as she was still in between sleep and waking, but as soon as the gears in her head locked, she almost jumped out of the sheets.

“February? Do you think he is still unsure of whether we can succeed or not?” you look at her closely, observing her face to read her mood.

“I think it is likely, yes. Giving us the chance to practise could be a disguise for testing us. And if we fail, he can still throw us out and there won’t be any harm done to the RFA. It’s a lifeline, I guess?”

Your sister starts pouting for a second. But then she shakes her head and smiles again. It’s not one of those smiles you would have to force onto your face, it feels true.

“Well, he has never seen us. It is only natural to be a little cautious. Nothing we can do about it. We just have to show him that we’re capable of continuing Rikas work.”

You nod and she makes you pinky-swear that the two of you will give it your all. She looks like her child-self when she holds up her finger but you decide that it is a good look on her.

Then her phone rings and you can hear Seven’s muffled voice through the speaker and you see your sisters face changing from mischievous to shy within a second. There was no one but Seven who could do that to her. She was definitely starting to be interested into that slightly odd redhead. You decide that giving the two of them a little more space is a good idea.

 

When you get out of the shower, the whole apartment smells like chicken broth and rice. You raise an eyebrow while entering the kitchen but your sister insists on having a warm and hearty meal before leaving the house during the cold months. “It’s good for the immune system. You need to stay healthy if you want to be a successful party planner.” Is what she said.

You open the news app on your pone and scroll through it as you slurp down the hot soup. It is mostly only gossip, which you usually skip, but when you see an all too familiar face on the first article, you can’t help but click on it to open it.  It is Jumin and his father. Both standing next to each other, but there is a second picture on the right. It’s a woman. Her name is Glam Choi, she’s supposedly an actress and the article talks about Jumins father and his second divorce… and Glam, who the news assume to be his new girlfriend. And that even though he had been seen with several other women during the months before that.

Gossip like this couldn’t be good for the business. A man that changes his women as often as his underwear was not someone you’d like to buy products from. At least not in a conservative country like this.

You open google and type in ‘C&R stocks’. The prize already sank because of this stupid rumour.

Even though there are a lot of conveniences that come with money, right now, you didn’t want to be in Jumins shoes. You’ve seen him work and he might be stiff and not good at handling other people with affection, but he really worked his ass of for their company. Seeing how his father’s midlife crisis affected the company that he is practically living for, could not be nice.

“What is it?” Your sister is looking at you. You shift in your seat.

“I’ve seen you frown at your phone. What’s wrong?” You tell her about the article but your sister doesn’t seem to be too surprised.

“Yeah, I heard that he is changing his girlfriends really often. It must be hard for Jumin. I mean, sure, our parents divorced and honestly, if mother had ever found someone else, I would have been really happy for her. But this is just ridiculous. You can’t fall in and out of love on a daily basis… If you really love someone, you don’t toss him away just because you’ve found someone that is a little more attractive. It is just as you’ve always said, women are not accessories.”

The way she says it makes you pause. You tilt your head to get a better look at her face. Her eyes seem to be focused on something that wasn’t inside this room but it is gone so quickly that you’re not entirely sure if it was even there to begin with. Weird. Had she been ‘tossed away’ before? You can’t imagine it, who would toss someone as bright and pretty as her away? Then again…. Oh well, some men were just idiots.

You want to ask her about it but when you see the time on your phone, you remember that you really have to get going now if you want to be on time. You stand up and grab your jacket.

“I’ll pick you up again at the usual time and on the usual spot, okay?” She looks at you and her smile has reappeared. So she’s fine again, right? You wave at her and shut the door behind you.

.

.

The train is cramped as always and as soon as you get on, you can feel a little tingle on your neck as if someone was watching you from behind. You turn around, almost expecting to find Unknown in your line of sight, but there is only an old lady sitting behind you, her little handbag pressed tightly to her belly in case someone should dare and try to rob her. You smile at yourself... Why did you even think that he would introduce himself to you that easily? He explicitly told you to wait, meaning that he would not show his face to you randomly. But even so, you feel a little disappointed.

The little ticklish feeling on the back of your neck, however, is still there. You were getting used to feel as if you were being watched by someone. And until now, you always felt like it was a friendly ‘watching over you’ kind of thing, but it was different today. It had been a week since you last heard from the hacker, but even though you feel like it’s him that is watching you, the whole air around him seems to have changed. It feels more… crisp? Cleaner? Colder. Wrong.

You feel a rush of heat in your legs. Something was off. You want to get off the train. Immediately. The doors open and you run outside. You are two stops away from Jumins office and you start walking into the direction of the giant sky scrapper as soon as your feet touch the ground. Trying to quieten down the alarm bells that were ringing inside of you.

After a while, that odd feeling on your skin disappears. You keep walking for a few minutes before you work up the courage to look behind you. You’re in the middle of a walking mass and suddenly stopping earns you a few extremely annoyed glances from the people around you. But you don’t care even one bit. You’ve crossed the street. There are cars still waiting in front of the traffic lights when the walking sign turns red again. On the other side of the street, a dozen people were already waiting for the lights to turn green again. There are office workers and some children.

But then you see it. Or, him?

There is a figure leaning on a brick wall in the shadows. His body is facing the other way, so you can only make out his back, but you still feel that he is awfully aware of your presence. He seems to wearing all black, a hoodie covering his head.

You take out your phone and open your conversations with him. Then you text him, barely controlling your shaking hands.

“Good morning~.”

You watch as the figure moves his palm towards his pockets and see how he pulls out his phone. You don’t need to see more and quickly turn around. Almost tripping when you start to run into the crowd of people in front of you, hiding from his gaze that you were sure was going to be laying on you as soon as he opened your message. Your head already starting to count as you walk.

 

_One…two…_

_______

Routines are good. They are simple and give structure where the chaos from the outside world tries to corrupt the soul. Routines are also best to be followed, not broken.

It was the only reason why Saeran got up this early today and started to pack his bag. He used to follow the girl from that apartment for the last weeks and even though the new drugs made him realize that he didn’t feel anything for her (thanks the holy Saviour) he still felt like he was slacking off if he didn’t go and check on her some time. Since he had to make sure that she was doing a good job so that he and Mint Eye could blow up their party. That was all.

He wasn’t excited or nervous when he got into the car and he didn’t feel a rush of adrenalin when he entered the train in his disguise. When she got on, he nearly laughed out loud. Thanks to the new medicine, he finally was able to see clear. And god, was she ordinary looking. He couldn’t remember anymore why he felt like drowning whenever he had looked at her. It was ridiculous. She was ridiculous.

The way that she stood there, looking around as if she was looking for someone. The way her face falls when she can’t find the person she was searching for. The way he can see fear flicker over her face – well, fear made her look a little more desirable, he’d give her that – and he felt like he wanted to see it again. she hopped off at the next station, even though it wasn’t the station where she needed to get off on, and without giving it much thought, he jumped out of the doors after her.

There were people between them, shielding her from him, but he was able to spot her unusual hair between the sea of dark brown and black the whole time. It was so exciting. Whenever he was able to steal a glance at her, his heart started racing. So fun!

She quickened her pace and so did he. She never looked back, and a part of him _wanted_ for her to look back. To see him. To notice him.

_Stop._

_What?_

_Why?_

It hit him right then. He was hunting her, alright. Stalking his prey and whatsoever. Or at least, part of him was. The other part of him was running after her like a dog was running after his owner.

_Again, why?_

He did not understand. And it needed to stop. Now. HE needed to stop.

He slowed down and watched her crossing the streets. Then he turned around. Feeling like waves of _something_ crashing down on him. Where was he? He remembered following her, but he didn’t remember where he was.

He leaned on the nearby wall because he felt like he was about to pass out. His heart was racing so fast that he was a little afraid that it might burst out of his chest any minute. He was in pain and nothing made sense in this moment. Nothing.

Then, something vibrated against his legs. He grabbed his phone and saw _her_ message.

_Fuck._

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck_. Memory snippets came back to him. She had been looking for _him_ on the train. She knew that _he_ was stalking after her. She saw him. He had gone too far, came too close.

He did not turn around, afraid of whom he might see glaring at him. Petrified in place for longer than he liked to admit. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours, until his feet were able to move again. Back home. Back to where he was safe from the things she was able to do with his mind.

 


	11. The iron man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jumin is still looking at you and you can see that he is trying to place the look on your face into his mental catalogue of human expressions in order to tell how you were feeling. You suppose that he has never seen someone wearing the expression that you were wearing right now. He looks a bit lost at the sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a litte double update for you because of the long wait :)

Like everything about powerful men has always felt intimidating to you, the C&R building used to give you Goosebumps. In a bad way. But today, today it felt like your safe haven. Like right now, the hacker or Unknown or whatever his name was, couldn’t touch you. Although if you were honest too yourself, you knew that there was probably no place where he couldn’t touch you if he really wanted to. Best to shove that thought aside for now.

You knew that he might be dangerous, you’ve known it from the very start. But it hadn’t felt that way. He had always felt like he was curious, at first, then growing more and more friendly with you.

But then he stopped sticking around you, stopped cheering you up in his odd – and to other people probably creepy – way of his. You thought that his real life was simply keeping him busy, but today was… you don’t know how to describe it.

It felt almost sinister. Completely turned around. What happened? Was that his true self or…

The kind of thing that made your whole soul change, you knew what could do it.

Drugs.

Had he been drugged or had he taken them himself? And why did he reappear out of thin air after V’s announcement? Something smelled fishy, even if you weren’t able to piece things together just yet.

“Madame?” A female voice tears you from your thoughts.

“Uhm yes?” The woman at the front desk furrows her brows at you. “I said, that Mister Jumin Han is out of the office today. I am terribly sorry, but your appointment has been cancelled.”

_What?_ You ask her to say it again and she recites what she just said with an annoyed face.

That was odd. It wasn’t like Jumin to cancel without a warning. It wasn’t like him at all.

“Are you sure? I think he would have called me if that were the case. He’s not the type to just cancel without saying anything. Did he tell you anything? Like, why he’s not at work today?” 

She looks at you, her eyes narrowing and her lips slimming down into a very thin line. You regret asking right on the spot.  The woman smiles again but you can tell that it is fake.

“I am sorry, but the _corporate heir’s_ personal life is confidential. I can’t just give it to one of his _trainees_. If Mister Jumin Han had wanted you to know, he would have contacted you in person. Alas, that is not the case so I can’t help you.”

You don’t say anything; it wouldn’t get you anywhere. So you just bow and turn around. When you start walking, you bump into a man with a needle striped suit.

“S-s-sorry. I-I sh-should ha-have p-p-p-aid more a-a-attention!” You hate your little nervous tick. Especially in situations like this.

You are still bowing and hope that he just continues to walk past you but just stands in front of you, waiting for you to stand straight again.

_Come on, get your shit together! Just take his yelling, apologize again and get going! Don’t annoy him even further by keeping your head down like a beaten animal._

It takes a few breaths more before you finally straighten your back. Bone per bone. You even manage to look up to face the – probably -  angry man in front of you.

Jumin only stares at you. Then he slowly and subtly blinks at you as if you were a scared cat. And your body relaxes, even though you don’t really know why? You were a human, not a cat.

He smiles. “Good morning. I apologize for being late, let us get going now.” He holds out his arm to show you the way, even though he must know that you’ve been walking down this hall every day in the last weeks. But when you see the face of the receptionist, you realize that he’s been doing it for the spectators.

The attention makes you uncomfortable, but Jumin is doing his best to shield you from the unwanted views by walking in front of you with his back for you to cover yourself behind.

.

.

There is no one but you two inside his office today.

“Excuse me. My father had something scheduled for me today, simply ignoring my personal work schedule. Which is why it was assumed that I wouldn’t be in the house today. But cancelled his appointment. It was irrelevant anyways. But it is why there are no other trainees today, most of them are probably in other departments right now because of my presumed absence. I hope you don’t mind?”

“Why exactly would I mind that?” You’re a little baffled. You already felt like he was keeping other people inside the room because of you, but since he never said anything, you weren’t completely sure.

He opens his mouth but closes it again. “Yes. I assume this question must have seemed strange to you. Let us get to work. I have… oh… It looks like I left the worksheets in my apartment this morning. I will tell Assistant Kang to go and fetch them for you. Please wait while I’ll go and call her.”

Something was going on. You look at him while he fidgets with his phone – like actually fidgets. Him. Then you notice that the tie he wore didn’t quite match his shirt, which was even more unusual. Did he talk to V already? Or did it have something to do with the Glam Choi rumour? Are you allowed to ask?

“Yes, they probably lie on the desk inside my office at home. I will see you then. Good bye.” He hangs up. Then he sighs.

“This is so inconvenient…” he doesn’t say anything after that and both of you just stare at different corners inside the room. You hear nothing but the ticking sound of the clock at the wall.

You clear your throat. “It’s amazing, you can’t hear anything inside your office. It must be a really good place to concentrate.” _Oh yeah good. That wasn’t awkward at all._

He looks confused. “Yes, of course. An office has to be a place where you can concentrate. Why would you want to have an office that is loud?” Both of you stare at your designated corners again. This was getting ridiculous. Something was clearly troubling him and you were part of the same organization. The RFA _family_ , as V called it before. Family members get to ask if something was wrong, right?

You clear your throat again.

“Uhm-. Jumin. I-I can see that... uhm.” He looks at you and all your confidence is gone as if it was never there.

It is as if he saw what you were thinking and quickly averts his eyes. “Yes? What is it that you can see?” His voice is stern as always, but it is lower than usual.

“y-y-you t-t-t-tie.” You manage to say.  He looks down on himself and sighs again.

“Yes, I see what you mean. It doesn’t go well together with my shirt. You have a good eye. Thank you for pointing it out. I will call Assistant Kang and tell her to grab another tie for me.”

“N-No. that…it wasn’t what...” god, you felt so self-aware when you were talking to him. He waits for you to continue. When you don’t say anything, he gets up and paces the room until he reaches the windows. Opening one. He is clearly trying to help you and the intention reaches your heart.

You breathe in slowly and exhale just as slow. Then you start again.

“Something is troubling you. I can tell.” Good girl, you managed to say a straight sentence. Hooray to you.

He finally stops pacing and turns his back to you as he speaks.

“You mean, because I picked the wrong tie? You could tell by just that?” You nod before realizing that he can’t see that. He chuckles. “were you just nodding right now?” you must have made a surprised noise right now because he chuckles again. “How cute. You are very observant. Just like Elisabeth the 3rd. She always notices when I am not feeling well, as well.”

So he really did think of you as something akin to a cat. You are about to say something when you hear his voice again.

“It is true. My mind has been occupied this morning. Let me ask you this. If there were a woman that appeared out of nowhere on your doorstep and tells you that she is the fiancé your father had picked for you. How would you react?” Wait what?

“F- fiancé? That your father picked for you? Like an arranged marriage?” You can see him nodding from behind. Wow… you keep forgetting that things like that actually did still happen here.

“To be honest, I don’t really know. I already told you that I’ve spent most of my life in Germany, yes? Well, there are no arranged marriages. You are supposed to marry out of love, not because your parents might get a good deal out of the marriage… So this question is a bid difficult for me… But personally, I think I would be furious. I think….I would feel betrayed? Like why didn’t your father discuss this with you beforehand? I would feel like my personal rights were simply thrown away by the person who is supposed to honour them before anything else.”

He is quiet after that. You are quiet after that. It feels suffocating.

You are about to apologize for your blunt – although honest – words when he speaks.

“I see. Thank you for saying what you truly think. It is appreciated.” Then he turns around and he looks a little more like his usual self. As If he had made up his mind after your talk. You just hope that you didn’t start something that you shouldn’t have. But judging his face, you can’t help but think that it was the right thing to do.

He sits down at the other side of the desk again when Jaehee finally enters. She bows before stepping into the room. You realize that you have never seen them interact with each other in real life.

“Mister Han, I’ve brought the worksheets and the ne tie that you requested. If you don’t need me for anything else, I will take my leave again.”

Jumin waves her over to him. “Thank you, Assistant Kang. Please call my father’s assistant and schedule dinner together. It is probably too sudden for a lunch together, but we might still be in time to make an appointment for tonight. I need to speak with him. Tell him that it is urgent.”

She hands him a bag and bows again before leaving, gifting you with a warm smile as she turns around. Jumin catches the little gesture and tilts his head the way he always does when he is trying to figure something out.

“I see that Assistant Kang started to like you, after all. Good, it is important that the members trust each other in order to work efficiently. You seem to do well within RFA.” He is spreading out the papers on his desk while he talks and can’t see you blushing.

“I uhm… t-thank you? I… still feel a bit useless as my sister is handling most of the work that Rika did. But thank you for saying that.” You look down to avoid his eyes.

“Hmm… I don’t think you are useless. I can see that you are working really hard. And it isn’t always about the obvious things. Since the two of you joined, a lot of things have started to change. Before, we were growing apart, with every passing day. But now, it feels good to log into the messenger again. And I think that a lot of it has to do with you.” He says it so casually that he could be talking about the weather and it makes you so nervous that you can’t breathe properly.

“m-m-me?”  He hands you a pen and you look up to take it.

“Yes. You listen, and you seem to see things beyond the surface. That is the work you and only you are doing.”

And there it was. The iron man in front of that is letting his mask slip in front of you. Telling you that your existence was important to a whole bunch of people. It is too much, but there is no way to relieve your feelings here. So you just start counting inside your head to gain at least a certain degree of control over your emotions.

Jumin is still looking at you and you can see that he is trying to place the look on your face into his mental catalogue of human expressions in order to tell how you were feeling. You suppose that he has never seen someone wearing the expression that you were wearing right now. He looks a bit lost at the sight.

“Is, is everything alright? You look… different than before. Is this how you look when you are flustered?”

You’ve reached the point of total supressing your feelings inside of you and force one of those smiles that you’ve taught yourself in front of the mirror, on your face.

“Yes, I think you can say that. In way. Thank you for the lovely compliment. I will begin now.” You start writing on the sheets right away, but you still notice that he continues to look at you.


	12. The void of the unknown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unknown:  
> Send me the address. I’ll send you a link to a special file to your phone, just for you. I won’t tell you what it does but you have to click on it. I’ll notice it if you don’t, so be a good girl as always, okay? Or was that all just a show. I wonder…
> 
> You:  
> 121.162.46.246
> 
> Unknown:  
> [click link]

The little café that you usually visit after your lessons with Jumin is just outside the building. It would be so easy to step outside and go to it. Buy two mugs with hot chocolate and wait for your sister while calling Zen or Yoosung to pass time. But your feet won’t move. You are positive that Unknown already left after everything this morning, but you can’t be completely sure. How in the world could you be sure?

It’s not that you’re afraid, or are you?

You wait inside the Office building until your sister calls you that she is standing outside at the street.

She is sitting while texting someone on her phone, but as soon as you step closer, her eyes widen in surprise.

“What’s wrong? You look like a ghost… Does something hurt?” You shake your head and apologize for not bringing the usual hot chocolate as you get in, but she almost smacks you in the face when she sees you close up. Apparently you look like you are about to die. Funny, you didn’t realize that this morning had you this much spooked. And maybe it hadn’t until you were about to step outside of your newfound safe haven, making you feel awfully vulnerable and easy to target.

Your sister looks worried and she has those ugly wrinkles on her forehead again, which you once swore to be never the reason of, again. But you failed. You can’t let her worry even further.

“It’s nothing. Really. This morning was just a little crazier than I’d like it to be.” She narrows her eyes at you and you start to tighten the grip around your seatbelt to occupy your hands with something. Anything at all.

“Crazy in what way?” You don’t answer immediately, hoping that she would give up and start driving eventually. But the more she gets to know you, the more patient she seems to become with you. After some time, you give up.

“Uhm, I think that someone was tailing me this morning?” You had given her a handful of the truth, that had to suffice, right? But she looks so worried that it breaks your heart.

“What’s with the question mark behind that sentence? Did someone follow you or not? Was it the hacker? Oh god, it was the hacker, right? I should stop and call Seven. God, why didn’t you call? Does Jumin know?” You regret saying anything at all and carefully think about your words before answering.

“No, it wasn’t the hacker. I think that it was someone that wanted to rob me. No need to make a bigger deal out of it than it already is. It was just, I was a little nervous about going outside and presenting myself out in the open after that. But it’s okay now, really.”

It isn’t okay. You were covering for Unknown. Why?

Yes, why indeed. You should definitely have a talk with yourself and go figure it out.  

“Okay, that’s it. I’m going to drive you from now on. Sorry but I won’t let you refuse this. There will be no discussion. I knew that you going by yourself was a bad idea... You sure that it wasn’t this Unknown guy? Then again, there is no reason for you to lie to me about this, right?” You know that resistance was pointless, so you don’t even bother to try.  The rest of the drive home is filled with her ranting about the danger of using public transportation and why it wouldn’t be logical for Unknown to just show up since he hadn’t even tried to make contact before.

You don’t have the heart to listen OR correct her about the last part and keep staring outside the window. Thinking about everything that could have led to this point. Beginning with today.

What did you really know, happened? What hard facts did you have?

You’ve been on the train and _felt like_ someone was watching you. But can you be sure? There was no one you recognized there. Then you got off and _felt like_ someone was following you. In a group of people. Then you’ve sent a text message and someone across the street happened to look at his phone shortly after that. But… what if it wasn’t the hacker. What if everything was coincidental? It could be, right?

It was unlikely that it was all just a funny twist of fate and you know it. You’re 100 percent certain that it has been him. You can’t explain why, but up until now you could always tell that it was him. Even if you didn’t have real, physical evidence.

So, since you’re sure of it, wasn’t now the right time to give Seven a call? To tell your sister? To tell Jumin?

You pause.

Why do you pause?

Because you’re missing something. There is something that you’re not seeing. You get that itching feeling inside your hands again. The one you always get when you can’t figure something out and you hate it. It is pride, most likely, but this time it is mixed with something else.

Unknown has always been a little creepy, but also helpful in his own way. He has watched over you, noticed when you were having one of your panic attacks and always managed to brighten you up with his weird candy trick.

Going back to day one. He chose you out of all the people in the world that he could have chosen. So you suppose that he has been watching you back then, as well. He threw you into the group of people that were all working to do some good in the world. And even though he basically lured you into the apartment, he gave you a chance to… a chance to get closer to your sister. And a real chance to help.

This was the real reason why you are quiet right now. He seemed to want something. But whatever it was, and even if what he wanted was something dark, he had never hurt you. So why the change of attitude today?

You already came to the conclusion that he must have been drugged. There was no way – at least not for your brain – that something else explained his behaviour today other than this.

Drugs, together with stress, could do bad things to usually good hearted people. So why was he taking drugs and why was he stressed out.

You remember that he said something about coming and getting you soon. That still didn’t add up. Why would he want to get you out of the RFA if he made you go and join them in the first place? There must be something going on. Something that is bad enough for him to worry about you. You needed to know. If there was a greater danger for the you and your sister, something that is so dangerous that it drove someone into the arms of drugs… then you had to know first.

You pull out your phone. Unknown didn’t answer to your text. He must have known that you recognized him back then. Would he come after you now because you weren’t supposed to recognize him just yet? Would he try to hurt you? Would he try to hurt your sister?

You don’t notice that you’ve been standing in the parking Lot outside the apartment complex for a few minutes already. The indistinct chatter behind you slowly forming to comprehensible words full of worry.

“Please, talk to me. I can see that you’re thinking about something and I want to be a part of it. Don’t shut me out, not you as well.” You hear what she is saying but you don’t understand what she means. It was for her safety. You have to make sure that there was no one going to hurt her.

_Think. If she knows, if Seven knows, what will happen? The hacker already knows that you saw him. So he is going to think that you will tell the others. He is probably already preparing for some kind of counterattack. No, you have to talk to him. Try to reason with him. You won’t tell anybody, get his trust back. Learn about what is really going on here. And if that fails, you will tell them. But not now, not if you can’t make sure that this is the best option._

Your sister is still trying to talk to you but you just get out of the car and shut the door behind you.

“Hey, HEY! Talk to me, goddamnit!” She is super pissed and stomps after you, but you have to keep your mouth shut. For her. It’s all for her. You don’t care if something happens to you. After all the years, there was nothing that could kill you even more inside. But she, she was _light_. She was everything that was good. Cheerful. Funny. Innocent. She had to live. She had to live a happy life. You would make sure that she got that.

The door to the main building is right in front of you but you hesitate. Then you turn on your heels and start walking away from it.

“I’m going out for a while. I’ll bring back hot chocolate for both of us, okay? See you later!”

You fall into a jog to avoid your sister and turn right at the street junction. Into a nearby internet café that you always see when you walk to the station in the morning. You’re lucky, there is still a free computer at the table on the right wall and you walk up to the café owner and change your money so that you can use the coin slots next to the screens.

The computer is relatively fast and you immediately open the internet browser. There had to be a way to get in contact with Unknown. You had to tell him that his secret was safe with you.

You google how to find out your own IP Address and follow the steps to find out the specific numbers of this computer in here. Then you open the text messages from unknown.

 

 

| 

You:

Hey, I know you’re upset because of this morning. But I promise I haven’t said anything to Seven.  
  
---|---  
  
 

| 

You:

I’m at a local Internet Café right now. I’ll send you the IP address. You can open up a secure port on this computer, right? So no one can overhear the conversation?  
  
 

| 

You:

Please don’t be mad at me. Contact me soon. Please  
  
 

You wait. But nothing happens. Nothing at all. Unknown is usually very fast with answering but not this time.

You hope that he is even able to get the messages at all. You hope that he will talk to you. He has to. You have so many questions, and after this morning, he must have some questions to ask you, as well.  

Then, after what feels like hours, you finally see the typing icon on your private messaging field.

 

Unknown:

Send me the address. I’ll send you a link to a special file to your phone, just for you. I won’t tell you what it does but you have to click on it. I’ll notice it if you don’t, so be a good girl as always, okay? Or was that all just a show. I wonder…

| 

   
  
---|---  
  
 

| 

You:

[121.162.46.246 ](http://www.xroxy.com/proxy3271574.htm)  
  
Unknown:

[click link]

| 

   
  
 

You don’t hesitate to click the link and as soon as you did, your screen goes black and a million green numbers and codes run over it. It takes about two minutes, then it goes back to normal. Except for one little detail. All your conversations with Unknown are gone. Deleted.

Then a little window pops up on the screen of your computer. It is mainly black but there are a little messaging button and a call button in the bottom right corner, and two names above it. _You_ and _Unknown._ You look around, no one is watching you. Then you take the earphones that were lying next to the PC and put them on.

You start typing.

You:

I’m ready.

The screen stays black but the call icon disappears and you can hear some heavy breathing on the other side.

“I don’t have much time. Talk.”

His voice sounds off. It is completely different from what you had imagined. You thought that he would sound deep. Threatening. But his voice was just odd, like a young man that was going through puberty vocal change. It was deep at some points but switching into something more high pitched from time to time. But even though it sounded kind of wrong, it didn’t sound sinister. If anything, you felt like the person belonging to this voice, was mentally broken. Split into many little pieces that long stopped to try and fit together. It reminds you of yourself during your worst time.

You start shaking. You need to lay your hands down flat on the cool surface of the table to calm yourself.

“Before anything, I promise you that I didn’t say anything to anyone.” He laughs and you almost jump. Did you say something funny? Was that not what he was most worried about? If not, why did he agree to talk to you?

“Oh girl, I know. I’ve checked your call logs ever since this morning. Yours and your sisters, in case you were trying to play tricks on me. Was that all you wanted to say? Or is there a different reason why you were so desperate to hear my voice?” He chuckles at the end. It sends shivers down your spine. But you think you can hear something else in his voice. Despite the dark chuckle, there is some kind of wishful longing in the way he spoke. There was something else he wanted to hear. That you still wanted to meet him.

“I… want to meet you in person. Talking online, it’s not safe. Not completely. It never is. Because I want to ask you questions… I. I have so many questions. You told me that you wanted to ask me some things, as well. Remember?”

And it was true. You did want to meet him. You wanted to see for yourself what kind of person he was. What drive he had.  You wanted to know if he was the kind of person that you needed to protect everyone else from, or if he was actually trying to protect you from something. You wanted to know if he knew anything about V. Or Rika. You wanted to know why he chose you, out of all people.  And you wanted to know… You wanted to know what darkness let him take drugs. And made his mind split.

“Oh, so devout. I don’t know if I can let you meet me now, though. I was told to stay hidden until I can go and get you. And now that my cover was practically blown…” 

so there was someone who told him to do things. Did this someone tell him to go and lure you into the apartment? You had to ask him. But you know that he would never give you those answers as long as there was a way to track him and you. You had to do it in person. Offline. Without anybody suspecting anything so that Seven didn’t try and spy on your phone or anything.

“Please. I beg you… There is so much I need to know... I need to see… who you really are.”

You hear him inhaling sharply, the next words sounding more like the hissing of a snake than an actual sentence. “Don’t. don’t talk like that. You don’t want to know. You don’t need to know anything right now; you just need to do your fucking job! Stop it! Stop messing with me! Has he already brainwashed you this much! Don’t. Listen. To. His. Lies. Fuck why am I even talking with you?!”

You flinch and the shop owner looks up to you from his corner. Why did he have to yell? And who was _he?_ V? You weren’t messing with him, at all. You just needed to make sure you get what was going on. You want to tell him that but the words don’t come out. You feel timid. He doesn’t speak as well and you start to think that he ended the call. That you messed up. But then again, the window on your screen was still open, so you still had to be connected. Right?

_Breathe with me. You know the drill. One…_

You can feel your knuckles relaxing even though you didn’t even feel that you had been making a fist with your hands. You start again. Your voice soft. You’re calm now. You have to calm him down as well.

“What if I’ll give you an opening? Could you make it possible, then? No one has to know. There… There will be a Christmas Event coming from Jumins company. I will be going there. Could we meet then? There are a lot of people and it would be impossible to single you out from them. We could sneak out and then talk?” You bite your lip as you wait for him to speak again.

He takes his time before he says anything. He is probably trying to regain some self-control. Which must be next to impossible since the drugs were still in his system. But then you can hear a rustling noise as if he was getting something or pulling something closer to him. You can hear the clicking of the keyboard.

“Of course I could do that. Will I do it, though?”

And then, he’s gone for good.

The window closes itself and you are left alone in that stupid wooden chair inside this stupid café.

The air around you is freezing cold. God, has it been this cold this whole time? You shiver. What. The. Fuck. Did. You. Just. Do?!

You frown at the screen for some time before getting up.

Calm. You have to act calm. Don’t freak. Don’t scream.

But how are you supposed to be calm? That hacker… He had literally no reason to trust you and neither did you have any reason to trust his good will or anything. That man was dangerous. He could do all kind of things to you. And you just told him about the Christmas event and that you would be there. Maybe you should excuse yourself from the party?

Then lightning hits you.

Your sister would be there, too. And thanks to genetics, you both wore the same face. What if he got the two of you mixed up? What if he lures her into a dark corner and when he notices that it wasn’t you, what if he’d think you were trying to trick him. Would he k-k. _STOP._

_One…Two...Three._

_First of all, you won’t be excusing yourself. The party is a test run for the RFA party. If you don’t go, you’ll be thrown out. Then you won’t have ANY protection at all._

_Second, you just had to make sure that people don’t confuse you. Tell him what you wear. He just can’t confuse the two of you._

_Third, he didn’t even say_ that _he would really come. He could still tell you no._

You walk over to the counter and order two cups of hot chocolate to go. It’s going to work out. Somehow. You had to trust. You had to believe in what Yoosung and Jumin told you. That you can listen and that you can see what others can’t. You tried to reach out with your inner antennas and deep down, if you were honest, you didn’t see someone that was going to kill you out of hate. You saw someone that had been twisted by something. Someone that needed help. And you would give it to him. And then you would finally get answers.

“Here, your hot chocolate. Have a good day.” You bow briefly and smile at the shop owner, then you step outside and walk back home.

You are greeted by a red and puffed pair of eyes.

“There you are. I thought that… never mind. You won’t tell me anyways.” She was right about that, but her words still manage to make you feel guilty.

“Don’t tell me that you were crying because of me?” because if she was, you weren’t sure how to react. It made you feel ashamed. Although you were trying to protect her, you were doing a horrible job at being a good sister.

“Well no… yes. A bit of both, I guess?” That was not an answer you could work with. You hang up your keys and close the door with your foot, the cups still in your hands. She comes over to you and takes the hot chocolate from you so you can take off your shoes and enter the apartment.

Then you remember the talk with your sister before you stormed off. She said something about you shutting her out as well, did she not?

“Uhm, so you cried because of me. But not only because of me. Does the other reason have anything to do with the other person that seems to shut you out?” Instead of saying anything, her tears come crashing down her cheeks as soon as you finish the sentence. So there really was someone that hurt her beside you.

You guide her towards the sofa and both of you sit down. You let her cry, she seems to need it out of her system before she is able to talk. After a while, her breath has calmed a bit. Enough to let her speak.

“You may have noticed that… You know, me and Seven got along really well. And I thought he felt the same… But I guess I was wrong? Me, Zen and Yoosung happened to be talking about him in the chatroom and the two of them noticed how they didn’t really know anything about his past. And that even though they’ve been in the same organization for several years. We were speculating about it. Like how Seven always jokes about his secret agent thing and well, most of it was a joke. But we started to wonder… Then Seven called me and he was so angry. He yelled at me for snooping around and that I should stay away from him. He told me that we all seem to forget just how dangerous hackers are. That they are basically nasty cockroaches and something about how curiosity kills the cat.” She starts sobbing again.

“But you know, that’s not why I’m crying. Even though he was yelling, he sounded so… sad. So lonely… It… I want to help him but he makes me feel so lost. I always thought that he was the kind of person that would always be cheerful and happy-go-lightly…” She bites her lip, a habit that the two of you seem to share.

“Sometimes it’s the person with the broadest smile that is crying the loudest inside. I know it sounds stupid, but maybe he was so hyper happy because he really tried to hide the fact that he was so lonely… I don’t think that as a secret agent, he got to make many friends. Maybe he even lost someone dear to him.” She stops crying and looks at you.

His cheerfulness was different from your sisters. While hers was like a nice summer breeze, his always felt like a tornado that came out of nowhere and you were either swept away together with it or forced to run as fast as you could to escape his wrath. But even so, you felt like him and your sister were a good match. She was bringing him more in tune. She was riding on his waves and calmed his storm.

And if you could see it, he would too, eventually. But maybe that was what scared him the most?

You’ve been thinking that from day one on. He was always so present, so eerily cheerful that you wondered if it was a mask he wore to protect himself. In a way, he was like you. Trying to cope in his own sense.

 

“I thought so too just now. But… it’s all so surreal… Something like this. It only happens in movies, right? Or at least I thought it did. But it happens right now. Right here. And… I can’t help but cry because I don’t know how to help. And then you shut me out as well and it made me wonder just… I’m sorry. It’s pathetic, isn’t it?” You shake your head.

“No, it’s not. I think that a lot of people would feel disappointed when they see that a person is not the way they imagined them to be. But you are not. You seem to truly care. It is a good thing. And I’m sure that he will warm up to you in time. Just keep doing whatever you’re doing with your fellow cat-god.” You smile at her and she blushes.

“You think I can do that?”

“If anyone can, then it’s you.” You mean it. She is so bright that it almost hurts your eyes. Her light has reached you, there was no way it wouldn’t reach him as well.

You drink some –meanwhile not so hot anymore-hot chocolate and wait for your sister to say something. She appears to be thinking. But then she suddenly shakes her head. Seemingly made up her mind.

“How do you do it?”

You have your mouth full with hot chocolate and only raise your eyebrow at her.

“Always knowing what to say. Always seeing what others fail to notice?” So she was thinking so, too? It was odd, but it strengthened your decision on your way of handling Unknown.

“I don’t. I don’t always know what to say. But… I think that... Well, I’ve seen some of the deepest abysses. And where it’s dark, a lot of ugly things are crawling in the shadows. But it’s also easier to see the light if you’ve seen the darkness, once. I think that’s why I know both beauty and ugliness when I see them.”

Your sister is shocked. You can tell just by looking at her. She wants to ask you, pester you about your past. But she knows better.

“I…I see. I suppose that must be it. Yes… maybe, someday. Maybe someday you will tell me about the years that we’ve lost. I won’t push you, but I wish that someday you may trust me enough to tell me everything.”

You drink some more and just smile. Because you don’t know what else to say. You could feed her lies. You could tell her that you wish so, too. But you didn’t. You never. Ever. Wanted to tell her everything about your past. It would kill her inside. Just as it had killed you. You would never do that to her.

And just as you knew that she was shocked about your confession, she seems to know that you will never tell her about your past as soon as she looks at you.

She is hurt. She has every right to be. But this... You would die for her, but you would never fulfil her this one wish. It was a fate that she, out of all people, did not deserve.


	13. cheer up baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sorry, I’ve always been easily startled. I guess I’m a timid cat after all.” His stance relaxes but his eyes are still wary. He walks over to you in long and slow strides. Always examining your facial expression. 
> 
> “Surprisingly so, yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, I finally finnished the complete outline for the story :)  
> Also, please let me know what you think about the chat, should I have excluded it? I wasn't sure how to tackle the conversation and just hope that it's not too long.  
> Now, have fun! :)

You start your morning with your usual cup of coffee and your usual existential crisis when your sister walks into the kitchen area, lost in thoughts. You pass her her own cup of coffee and both of you sit next to each other in silence. It’s not that you mind not talking but you can feel that something is wrong. After yesterday’s talk you both ended up watching some movies that were on TV but neither of you really paid attention to it. At least you didn’t, you didn’t even recall the names of the movies.

You wait a few minutes more and when she still keeps to herself, you tap her on her shoulders.

“So…?” It’s like she only notices then that you are in the same room with her.

“Huh? What? Oh - …!” she spills her coffee over her T-shirt while stopping her arm mid-air to look at you.

“What’s going on? No, don’t tell me that it’s nothing we both know that this would be a lie. And you’re terrible at lying.” She releases a defeated stream of air before standing up to get a fresh kitchen towel and cleaning her shirt.

“Ah… You know, I told you about the call with Seven? He texted me again this morning. Stating that everything was fine with him and that he is sorry for yesterday. He hadn’t been sleeping for way too long and is brain was overreacting because of it. But I can just tell that he is lying. He kept making jokes as always and he even sounded like he usually did. But after what you told me… I can’t help but wonder if he still cries inside…”  

You already knew that he would try to cover up for his emotional outbreak, you would probably too, in his place. What to do now? You could tell your sister what you really think, that he must hide something behind his quirky behaviour. But was it your secret to spill? Besides. He was a secret agent, what if he had to change locations in the future, shed his name, live a new life. Leave everything and everyone behind, including your sister. Would supporting her to keep pursuing him not make everything worse?

She is still looking at you.

It’s not your decision to make. It never was. She deserves the truth; she would get to decide what she would do with it.

“I actually think so, too. He is always shining so bright. But thinking about it, it really is as the others said already, that nobody really knows anything about him. He must do this on purpose, keeping people away. It’s easier to not get overly attached to them. In case one has to leave… But it is also incredible lonely. It must be…” She nods in agreement.

“Yes, that must be it. I can’t even begin to imagine what he must have been through in the past. I mean, what makes you strive to become an agent for a secret intelligence agency? Never forming true bonds, never letting people see the real you… Do you think he joined them on his own?”

That was actually a good question. Sure. The payment must be incredible. You were pretty certain that Seven was filthy rich, but money alone can’t buy happiness. Not If there was no one to share it with. And also not if you were constantly risking your life because of it. Or taking other people's life, should the need arise… The last part left you shuddering inside. Maybe encouraging her to get closer to him wasn’t such a good idea… You want to say something but are interrupted by the refrain of Twice’s new song.

Her phone rings and it is the person in question. She only blushes, ashamed that she’s been talking about him behind his back. She is so adorable.

“Why don’t you pick up?” She only stares at the screen, as if hoping that it would give her an answer to a question that she had yet to ask. She shakes her head.

“I don’t know… I don’t know how to react? I can’t act as if everything was back to normal and as if I just forgot about yesterday. What should I say?”

“How about ‘good morning’ for a start? Figure it out as you go?”   You tilt your head, trying to work up an encouraging smile. She is still crimson red and her hands are a little shaky. But she presses the speaker button and answers the call.

Now it’s you that is shaking her head and she only puts her index finger over her lip, signalling you that you should stay quiet.

“Good morning, Luciel.” She tries to sound neutral but you can tell that she is still unsure on how to proceed. There is a little pop and then the sound of crunched chips on the other side of the line. Seven seems to be at breakfast as well.

“Good morning ~ How are you today? Did you sleep well? I know that I did. Aaah…. I feel like a complete new person; it’s amazing what sleep can do to you. Or the lack of it, to be precise.” She furrows her brows.

“Is something wrong with you?”

“Huh? No. This is just me being completely relaxed and enjoying the mix of heaven: Honey Buddha chips and PhD. Pepper haha. No, but honestly, that’s why I’m calling. I’m fine, really. I’m sorry if I scared you yesterday. I wasn’t myself back then. But that doesn’t mean that what I said wasn’t true. You know, it's nice to use the messenger, but you'll get hurt if you try to find out too much about me so be careful!”

“Seriously Luciel, what does that even mean? You can’t just walk around and throw out sentences like that however you like. Think about the other person as well. I care about every RFA member and I care about you as well. Telling me to not get close to you and simply let our relationship stay this shallow… It’s an insult. You’re basically degrading my feeling towards you.” She clasps her hands over her mouth. Embarrassed over her confession.

Seven is startled.

“Wh-what? Hahahaha? And what kind of feelings would that be? Hehe, you don’t even know me in person, yet. And I promise you that you would be disappointed if you knew the kind of person I really am. The work I do… It’s filthy and dangerous. So please, even if you’re curious. Don’t ask around too much. I enjoy coming to the chatroom, I enjoy talking to you. Let’s leave it at that. Seven – Zero – Seven is the defender of justice, and he can’t do his job properly if he has to worry about other people too much ~”

And there it was again. The quirkiness that makes your stomach turn.  It was too loud, too bright, too…fake.

Your sister must have caught something of this as well. She only inhales deeply before answering.

“Yeah sure. If that’s what you truly want. You do you first and foremost. But the same goes for me.  The RFA has become important to me, so I won’t stop caring about you. Even if you ask me to. Don’t worry, I’ll stop being nosy. But if you need me, you know where to find me.”

For a moment, you swear you saw little wings growing out of her back. She was so beautiful, so feminine, so strong. It was breath taking. You wonder if that was what pure love could do to you…. Nah. Not for you, clearly.

Even though Seven was god knows where, he seems to have felt some of her beauty through the phone, lost for words. It takes some moments for him to regain himself.

“Aw… Don’t. Don’t say those things. When you do, you make me start to believe. I do like you saying those things, though. It sounds so true, so easy, like all my worries could fly away. That didn’t make any sense, did it? haha, I don’t know where that came from. BUT anyways, I have some work to do now. I hope everything is fine between us. Have a good day and don’t skip meals. Oh and don’t only eat Honey Buddha Chips like me, it’s not good for important people like you and your sister! Adios!”

And then he’s gone.

Your sister sighs and rubs her temples. She looks clearly exhausted even though the day just started.

“I meant what I said. I know that probably everything I had to face up until now, can’t even compare to the darkness he must have seen in his life. But I will work hard to be able to become a person he can rely on. The same goes for you, too. I won’t break that easily. Just letting you know.”

You both presume your breakfast in silence until it’s time for you to head over to C&R. As you are about to grab your keys, your sister runs past you, blocking the entrance.

“We had a deal. I’ll drive you. Shut your mouth. Don’t argue, just come.”

You let your shoulders slack a little and follow her reluctantly.

When you enter the parking space, you spot a little flyer that was plastered behind the windshield wiper. It’s you that grabs it, and after reading it, you’re glad that it was you.

 

_Are you looking forward to an Unknown Christmas? If you are naughty like me, bad Santa will promise you to fulfil your wish. Make sure to entertain him in the meantime._

So Christmas was really on, then. That was a yes, was it not? You needed to make preparations. You needed to plot. There was no room for mistakes from now on.

“So, what religious cult asked us to join now?” You feel a warm breath at the back of your neck and only crumble the paper before putting it into your jacket.

“I have literally no idea. Let’s get going. Jumin will rip your head off if you let me be late.” She only laughs and opens the door of the car.

It’s a thirty-minute drive through the thick traffic at this hour and the two of you keep bickering over the choice of music. She keeps choosing happy songs from Apink while you really wanted to hear the new album from drug restaurant. She wins, it’s her car after all. But besides that, the whole drive is peaceful.

.

.

The receptionist treats you like her new sworn enemy and only scrunches her nose when she sees you enter. Her wrinkles even deepen when she sees you two times at once since your sister tagged along. Jaehee called you while you were on your way and asked you both to join her after the lesson to get some preparations for Christmas done or at least show you what there was to do. Your sister happily agreed since she was free anyways and you were happy to be able to help at all.

She walks into the building like a little child that has seen the most amazing thing just now. “Wow, it’s all marble! It all looks so classy. Oh – Good day to you, we have an appointment with Mister Jumin Han. He is awaiting us.”

Misses Kim, as you have learned by now, acted as if it was the first thing she heard and took her time to scroll through the calendar on the screen. “Is that so? I haven’t heard of it. Let me take a look….”

One minute passes. Two minutes pass. The smile on your sisters face slowly fading. “Mam?” She manages to be extremely polite but is immediately cut off by Misses Kim. “I said, I had to take a look. It won’t go any faster if you keep distracting me. Mister Han’s agenda is extremely full; you know?” You smile knowingly at her which seems to make her insecure. If even just a little.

 One of the lift doors opens up in the hall next to the front desk and Jaehee steps out of it. She looks around and smiles when she spots you.

“Good Morning. Mister Han told me to come and get you. Please follow me.” You two bow at Misses Kim and leave her with her jaw clenched tight while smiling one of her fake smiles.

“Wow… What cockroach did she swallow this morning?”

You giggle at your sister’s remark.

“Don’t mind her. She’s been like this to me ever since. It must be too odd for normal people like us to be involved with their cooperate heir.” Now you both chuckle.

“You seem to be in a good mood. Good! I’m sure that today will be a productive day. I’m happy to have the chance to work together with you.” She was formal as always, but you catch the slight note of kindness behind her words. She must really be happy.

 

Jumin already sits behind his desk when you enter and greets you with a brief nod. “You’re here. Fine. Go sit down, we will start at once. You will be able to join Assistant Kang and your sister when you’re done.” There is no question or discussion after that. It was simply not a matter of debate and the two of you are left alone to study.

“I’m glad that Assistant Kang reached you in time. I was afraid that you were already on your way here when she called. But it seems like all went well.” He hands you the spreadsheets and you start reading the exercises.

“Oh that. Yes. We were on our way, actually. My sister decided to drive me here in person from now on so it was no problem.” That gets his attention. His right ear twitches.

“Why?”

Neither of you look up but you feel like the room temperature dropped a few degrees at the tension. You totally forgot to tell him about what had happened yesterday. And now you feel like you lied to him.

“That is… Well… someone followed me yesterday. I think he tried to rob me, but I managed to get him off my tail before I got here. Then there was this whole ‘almost-cancelling’ of our appointment and I kind of forgot to tell you…? It wasn’t that much of a big deal and my sister is simply being over protective. But yeah. That’s why she decided to be my personal driver from now on.”

You didn’t even finish your sentence when Jumin suddenly dashes up from his chair, both of his hands clashing on the desk. You make yourself as small as possible inside your stool.

“I-I-I’m s-s-so-sorry.” You know you’re being ridiculous but you lift your hands in front of your face anyways, expecting a blow into your direction. But it doesn’t come. Of course it doesn’t. Why would it? Your brain starts realizing this a little too late.

You want to lower your hands again but your body doesn’t listen to you. You hear nothing but your racing heart and the static noise of your blood being pumped through your veins, in your ear.

When you’re finally in command of your limbs again, Jumin is standing at the other side of the room, staring at you in shock.

“Did I do this to you? Pardon me to startle you this much, I was really surprised just now.”

You gulp. You’ve let him see more of you than you should have.

You laugh.

“I’m sorry, I’ve always been easily startled. I guess I’m a timid cat after all.” His stance relaxes but his eyes are still wary. He walks over to you in long and slow strides. Always examining your facial expression.

“Surprisingly so, yes.” He sits down again. “I will make sure to be more careful from now on… why didn’t you tell me about this, yesterday?” behind his robotic mask, he sounds genuinely worried.

“I already told you, it wasn’t as much of a deal as it sounds like. I simply forgot. It’s all good now, I promise.” He scans your face but can’t detect a lie and nods at you eventually. He’s still not convinced of it, you’re sure about that, but it’s good enough for him. At least for now. You expect a call from him this evening.

“Jumin really cares about the RFA deeply.” Yoosung’s words still ring inside your head and you have to stifle a laugh, which leaves him looking at you confused. You couldn’t agree more, besides his attitude, Jumin clearly was one of the good guys. You would try to keep this in mind from now on.

After the lesson, you are taken to Jaehee’s office in which she is leaning over her desk, together with your sister, and looking at a stack of papers.

“Oh, hey. Come here, we already started but don’t worry, there is still plenty left for you to do.” Jaehee waves you over and cautiously eye the amount of papers on the table.

“I just hope we get at least the basics done today… Zen was planning on coming and helping as well, but he got a call last night and was invited to a very important rehearsal. It’s starting in about an hour.”

You try and fail to get a rough overview on what task was the most urgent one and end up just grabbing anything within your reach.

“Really? For what role is he applying for?” Jaehee went from business woman to Zen fan-girl mode within the split of a second.

“He didn’t tell me too much as he is a little superstitious about those kind of things. But apparently it’s for a Christmas play that will be shown on TV as well. It would be his first appearance on the screen and he’s very nervous. But I know he will do well. He always does.”

Her eyes were sparking with affection and you can basically see little hearts popping out of her face. Your sister chuckles.

“Yes, I’m sure he will do fine. He was amazing in the last play. I’m sure that the directors will be able to spot his talent as well. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for him.” The two of them went on fangirling over Zen when you finally get back to the main topic.

“I really don’t want to be rude… But could I get a brief summary over what we’re doing here? I tried to piece things together on my own, but all I see are papers, papers and oh look – even more papers.” You look at each other and start laughing. Jaehees cheeks a little flushed.

“Yes, I am so sorry. I got carried away. It just felt so good to have a fellow fan to talk with. Let us get back to work. If Zen is working hard, we can’t give any less. It would be beneath us.” You all agree and she gathers some sheets for you to start explaining.

“The location will be C&R’s festival Plaza behind the building, which saves us a whole lot of booking costs. And it is a really luxurious outdoor location. Our company uses it to host all kinds of events on it. Then we need a caterer, a band and people that will take over the advertising. Security guards, a company that is in charge for decorations. Flowers… The press needs to be informed as well. And V said he wanted a giant screen on which you could see the total amount of the donations that were made in real time. Oh and the sponsors. We have several groups that we need contact to collect some donations and put their names on the front banner. Money always invites more money… You can see there is a lot to do. But I’m sure that we will be able to get everything done. Yoosung will help as well.”

You are handed a stack of paper on your own and are tasked to look though the list of potential sponsors and sort them into different categories. It is already past noon when you’re finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.

“I thought we weren’t getting anywhere today. But I think that we will be able to work more efficiently from now on. Are you hungry? I could show you the company cafeteria. Mister Han hired a five Star chef and a team of nutritionists for us. The food here is really good and balanced. How about it?”

You don’t really need to think about it and follow Jaehee to the other floor and into the cafeteria. It is grand. It is everything that you thought it would be: pompous and extravagant. It looked more like a restaurant than an actual employee cafeteria.

You take some green asparagus and light beef slices with a very interesting tasting sauce and continue following Jaehee to the outside area. She is showing you the location of the Christmas party when you hear the notification that someone entered the chatroom. Its Zen and all of you can’t be quick enough to log in and ask him about the rehearsal.

 

 

Zen:

Hiya! Anybody here?

| 

   
  
---|---  
  
 

| 

You:

First!  
  
Jaehee:

Second!

| 

   
  
Your sister:

Third^^

| 

   
  
Zen:

Oh lol how cute! All the ladies just for me <3

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Yeah yeah, get on with it. How was the rehearsal?  
  
Zen:

I was just about to tell you about it. I see that Jaehee already spilled the beans?

| 

   
  
Jaehee:

Oh, was I not supposed to? I’m sorry but the news were too good to keep them to myself.

| 

   
  
Your Sister:

Yes. We even crossed our fingers for you soooo hard. You’d better bring some good news lol

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Yes. What she said.  
  
Zen:

Whoa, you did? That must be why I’ve felt so good during my dance ^^

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Yes. But did it help?  
  
Zen:

Well…

| 

   
  
Jaehee:

I’m sure you did well, as always. :)

| 

   
  
Zen:

Thank you for you kind words… actually I…

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Uhm… Don’t tell me…  
  
Zen:

About whether I got the role or not… I have to tell you the full story.

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

That’s fine by me…  
  
Your Sister:

….!

| 

   
  
Zen:

Well I felt especially handsome today. I looked into the mirror and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. All the beauty… All the glory…

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Zen….^^  
  
Zen:

I have a picture. I think I should send it to my lovely ladies. Wait, I’ll send it now.

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

I don’t want it.  
  
Your Sister:

Lololol

| 

   
  
Jaehee:

I’m sure it will be marvellous as every picture of yourself.

| 

   
  
Zen:

Here you go!

| 

   
  
Zen:

[picture attached]

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Wait, is that a motorcycle helmet in the background?  
  
Jaehee:

My eyes have been cleansed.

| 

   
  
Your sister:

Shine bright like a diamond ~

| 

   
  
Zen:

Thank you, you TWO. Hey, why is everything you see is that helmet in the back? –I’m hurt lol so random

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Sorry. But is it, though?  
  
Zen:

Yeah lol but that’s a story for another time.

| 

   
  
Your sister:

Anyways~

| 

   
  
_707 has entered the chatroom_

| 

   
  
707:

Why is the first thing I see when I enter the chatroom, a selfie of Zen? Lolol

Oh hiii everyone!

Anyways!

| 

   
  
Your sister:

ANYWAYS!

| 

   
  
Jaehee:

They’re at it again   -_-

Please continue, Zen.

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Can’t believe you drive a motorcycle!  
  
Zen:

Seriously everyone -_-

So I was waiting for my turn and everyone around me was just so, so good.

| 

   
  
Zen:

I was a little intimidated back then.

| 

   
  
Jaehee:

I’m sure you were better.

| 

   
  
Zen:

Thank you so much for saying this, Jaehee. You always cheer me up :)

| 

   
  
Zen:

So when I was called in, I was so nervous. But then the music started and my mind went blank. I thought about the person I wanted to see this dance the most and my body moved on its own.

When the lights turned on again, nobody said anything.

| 

   
  
707:

Did they perhaps…

| 

   
  
Your sister:

…Got warped through a wormhole and landed on a different planet where they magically forgot how to speak?

| 

   
  
707:

Exactly my thought! :O You…. You get me so well, my heart just skipped a beat ^^

| 

   
  
Your sister:

Hehe

| 

   
  
707:

Hoho

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

*Puts copper pennies over both of your heads to block the signal to your homeplanet.*  
  
707:

Lost signal… must shut down now…

| 

   
  
Your sister:

…I….ca….urgh…so cold… shu..

| 

   
  
Jaehee:

Stop this nonsense…

| 

   
  
Zen:

So weird^^

| 

   
  
Zen:

Can I continue now?

| 

   
  
Zen:

….

| 

   
  
Zen:

I guess I can.

| 

   
  
Zen:

So, everyone just stared at me and I became really self-aware.

| 

   
  
Zen:

Then the director stood up and started clapping. He sent everyone else away and offered me the position!

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Wow! Congratulations!!  
  
Jaehee:

I knew that you would get the role. You are so talented! They would be blind if they didn’t see that!

| 

   
  
Jaehee:

I’m so excited for you right now!

| 

   
  
Zen:

Thank you so much!

| 

   
  
707:

…

| 

   
  
Your sister:

….

| 

   
  
Zen:

?

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

-_-…  
  
 

| 

You:

*puts copper pennies away and restarts engine*  
  
707:

Restarting…..

| 

   
  
Your sister:

||||||||||::::::::: Loading

| 

   
  
707:

||||||||||||||||||||| done!

| 

   
  
707:

Congratulations!

| 

   
  
Your sister:

So awesome!

| 

   
  
Jaehee:

Whatever your condition is called like… I hope it’s not contagious.

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

If it were, I’d already caught it.  
  
Jaehee:

Oh good, so there’s hope!

| 

   
  
Zen:

Yeah... whatever. Thank you J

| 

   
  
Zen:

I feel like celebrating. There is this nice Karaoke bar where I live, so if anyone of you is free, why don’t we go and meet there?

| 

   
  
707:

Nope, sorry

| 

   
  
Zen:

-_- dude, for real?

| 

   
  
707:

Sorry, work. My maid Vanderwood the 3rd would yell at me so hard if I just left T.T

| 

   
  
Zen:

Your maid….would yell at you?

| 

   
  
Your sister:

Guess she’s fierce lol

| 

   
  
707:

Yeah she is!

| 

   
  
Jaehee:

I didn’t even know you had a maid, Luciel.

| 

   
  
707:

Oh right, sorry. 707 is a little mysterious, I guess ~

| 

   
  
Jaehee:

I won’t encourage this nonsense. Sorry Zen, I would love to go, but….work…

| 

   
  
Zen:

No problem. ^^

| 

   
  
_Yoosung has entered the chatroom_

| 

   
  
Yoosung:

Hey everyone!

| 

   
  
Yoosung:

Oh wow! Zen has a new role!

| 

   
  
Yoosung:

Congratulations!

Yay I have a famous friend!

| 

   
  
Zen:

Lolol I don’t know about that, but thank you!

| 

   
  
707:

Don’t be modest. You’re famous.

| 

   
  
Zen:

Maybe a little..

| 

   
  
Yoosung:

Wait! You’re celebrating? I’ve got time!

| 

   
  
Jaehee:

Of course you do.

| 

   
  
Yoosung:

What’s that supposed to mean?

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

It’s okay, Yoosung. She just really wants to go, herself and is sad because her work keeps her from it.  
  
Yoosung:

Oh is that so? Don’t be sad, I’ll make Zen smile in your stead ^_°

| 

   
  
Jaehee:

-_-

| 

   
  
Yoosung:

So are you two coming as well?

| 

   
  
Your sister:

Yep. We’ll be there at four.

| 

   
  
707:

Now I really want to go, too…

| 

   
  
Zen:

But you didn’t before?^^

| 

   
  
707:

I feel like answering this could be really dangerous :O

| 

   
  
Your sister:

Don’t answer it, it’s a trap!

| 

   
  
Zen:

:/

| 

   
  
 

| 

You:

Cheer up. They’re just joking. I’m sure it will be fun. You deserve to have some good time after landing the role! Meet you then.  
  
_You left the chatroom_

| 

   
  
_Your sister has left the chatroom_

| 

   
  
_Yoosung has left the chatroom_

| 

   
  
_Jaehee has left the chatroom_

| 

   
  
_707 has left the chatroom_

| 

   
  
_Zen has left the chatroom_

| 

   
  
 

.

.

.

The karaoke bar is in one of the student city districts of Seoul and once again you find yourself reassured in your assumption that you can’t judge a book by its cover. You never thought Zen out of all people to be living in such a district when he was clearly able to rent something better than this. But then again, Zen was so much more than a simple minded narcissist, even though it was what you first thought about him. So maybe this place held a special meaning to him? You made a mental note to ask him, later.

Zen had already entered one of the rooms and greeted you with a warm smile. Yoosung sat right beside him and almost choked on his drink when he saw you entering, which instantly broke the awkwardness. It was your first time meeting him in real life, after all.

“Ah, now that you’re here, I feel so good. It’s almost like a double date haha ~ please take care of us, tonight.”

Yoosung blushes and starts stammering and your sister starts laughing. You nod at the boys and sit down next to your sister.

“I’ve already ordered something to drink for us. And some fried chicken, I hope that’s fine with you? So let’s see the catalogue, what songs do they have…” Zen starts browsing through a big booklet and you press yourself a little deeper into the couch. You’re not much of a singer and back in Germany, you never really sang in front of anybody at all. You hadn’t thought about this.

While your sister and Zen debate on whether they should sing a duet of _Love Day_ , Yoosung leans over to you.

“You’re like super, duper uncomfortable right now, right?” you nod. His boyish smile grows wide.

“Don’t worry, I’ll save you from singing tonight. Just watch – warrior Yoosung mode ON!” he does some weird pose that reminds you of an anime and it makes you laugh against your will. Yoosung blushes and smiles again.

“Yoosung! Why are you blushing so much? If you look like this, everyone might think that you have a crush on her….wait! oh! Ah! Congrats, Yoosung!” Zen’s eyes pop wide and your sister giggles. Yoosung, however, is not amused. At all. He jumps up and almost wipes the content on table in front of you, over.

“We’re not! I’m not! We’re _friends!_ ” Even you have to stifle a laugh. “Yes, we _are_ friends. Now stop teasing him.” He starts rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment and mumbles a low thank you while blushing even further. After that, Zen and your sister sing some songs together and whenever you’re asked to sing, Yoosung jumps in while winking at you. He keeps to his word all evening.

Right now, he and your sister are singing together and Zen let’s himself fall into the Sofa next to you.

“If I had known that you dislike singing so much, I would have picked a different activity today… I’m sorry for not noticing before…” You’re surprised that he noticed it at all but of course you keep _that_ to yourself.

“Don’t worry, there is no way you could have known. I could have said something earlier. It is just that… I never did something like this in Germany…”

He smiles one of his sweet smiles that you are sure a lot of girls fantasize about. And even you feel a little warm in your stomach.

“What, singing Karaoke or going out with your friends like this?” he means it as some kind of teasing, or maybe even as a fishing for compliments, but it stings a little nonetheless.

“Both.” You say a little too quick. His smile falters.

“Oh? Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… Gosh… I’m messing up completely today…” he plays with his sleeves to hide his blush.

“When I read that you were coming, I got really excited. You know, you always seem to shut me down with your sarcastic answers and after I told you about my weird dream… Well I thought that you didn’t want to spend your day with me. So I just hoped that we could have some fun today. Sorry for making you feel uncomfortable.” He wants to stand up but your hand moves on its own, holding him back. It is a subtle movement and you’re sure that nobody but him caught it. But he turns around to you as you speak.

“I am having fun. Being with all of you is fun. I… didn’t have too many friends back then. And I never did Karaoke, but that’s because this isn’t really a thing in Germany. But this… today... It feels really nice. Thank you suggesting it. And don’t worry about the dream, I already told you that I’m an expert on everything weird.”

You smile at him. It is more toned down than his, but it is sincere. He smiles back at you. “That’s… that’s good. I’m really happy right now. This feels like a true celebration of something great.”

You tilt your head. “It is. You landing a new role, is something great.” He laughs and then stands up to pick a new song, the beautiful smile of his’ never leaving his lips.

__________________

 

The dim light of his room make his eye hurt. How long has it been since he’s last seen the sky? He wonders…

“Are you even listening to me?” Her voice is high like singing bells and they hurt his ears. The Saviour was standing inside the doorframe and looked at him with her arms crossed over her chest.

He hadn’t, in fact, been listening to her and feels guilty now.

“Sorry, this code is extremely difficult. I don’t know what he is trying to hide, but it must be big if he’s putting in so much effort. Please, tell me again? I promise you I will give it my full attention.” She continues looking at him and he starts tapping with his fingers. A habit that helps him concentrate when he was feeling nervous.

After some time, she just exhales and starts talking again.

“Sae Sae, I see that you’re working really hard. But I can’t stop thinking that you are somehow distracted of late. If there is anything I should know, you know that you have to tell me. We don’t lie, we never do. We’re not like _them,_ right?” She was right. They were not.

“So…? _Is there_ anything you want to tell me?” She smiles.

He immediately thinks about the girl and wants to slap himself afterwards. Why did he think of her now? He did nothing wrong. He was doing his work. He was being efficient. The new meds helped him. But why did her face pop up inside his head as soon as his Saviour says those things? He thinks about just telling her.

But the words won’t come out.

“No, nothing.” Is what comes out instead. Weird.

She looks at him and steps a little closer. “Okayyy Sae Sae. I believe you. Thank you for hearing me out.” She starts stroking his hair and he leans into her touch. It is over, too soon and she turns around again to leave. Just when she is right at the door, she turns her head into his direction. “Oh and also, if I don’t see any results within this weeks, I might have to suspect that you’re lying to me. So be good and work hard, okay?” Then she’s gone, leaving nothing but darkness inside the wooden frame that cuts his room off from the rest of the building.

And for the split of second, he felt true angst.


	14. Butterfly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He seems a bit confused. “Oh. Is it untactful to ask how he died?” the topic makes you impatient and irritable. 
> 
> “Yes, it is. But if you must know, he was murdered and I was the one who did it.” 
> 
> The wide space of the office starts to feel too tight and everything around you feels painful and wrong.  
> You stand up and leave the office, with a wide eyed Jumin saying some Korean phrases that you suddenly don’t understand anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was feeling a bit down today, and those feels needed to go somewhere.

 

_I was never a good child, or so my father told me. But why? I never did anything wrong, I double checked every time I crossed the streets, I always greeted people I knew on the streets, I stood up for elder people on the train or held the door open when someone was about to enter the building while I was walking outside. So why was I always told that my mere existence was nothing but a thorn in my parent’s eyes?_

 

_________

 

“I’m fine”

 

His expression changes into something dangerous. It has been hours after you managed to sneak out from home, beaten up, your nose still bloody and your place between your legs hurting.

 

“Don’t. Stop telling me you’re fine when you’re clearly not!” He is yelling now. Frustrated, his vision narrowing because of all the anger inside of him and you don’t understand. You don’t understand why he doesn’t see that there is nothing he could ever do to make it stop. You retreat into your self-built panic mode: you shut everything out, you let the pain simply numb away together with your feelings. Your eyes become dead again, you know it but you let it happen anyways. As soon as he sees it, he shuts up.

 

“Please, Butterfly.” You hear him, but it is too late. The darkness already carried you away. You only tilt your head and start stroking his tears away. He is surprised, probably didn’t even notice that he was crying. And although you see him being in pain because he can’t help you, you don’t feel anything at all.

 

The air around you still tastes the same and the thought of going home, going back to _him_ doesn’t hurt anymore. The power of your special magic. The power of locking everything away.

 

Now that you used your power, you don’t remember anymore why you’ve been running to his house this frantically. Because as soon as you leave again in the morning, everything will be the same again.

 

The make-up will cover up all your bruises. Breakfast will taste bland again and your father will do bad, bad things to you again as soon as he’s going to start drinking.

 

So why did you come here?

 

“Please talk to me… There has to be something that we can do… we can tell my parents. We will go to the police. They will help!” You snarl, about to leave. He even suggests talking to his parents! Even though he himself hasn’t talked to them in over a year after the incident with his own sister. But for you, he would do it? You’d better go now before he does something stupid.

 

And then he grabs your sleeves. Desperate. You turn around. “Please. Stay the night. I don’t give a damn about your old man. Open up to me.”

 

Something inside of you stirs at his words. He truly wants to help. And maybe, maybe he can?

 

He keeps talking, and as if by magic, you keep listening to him. He tells you about his plan. He has been thinking about it for a while. Your father has many friends in the local police. So he would talk to his parents and then take you to another town, where you would go another police station. He would stay with you. He even bought the tickets for the train already as soon as he got your text. He has everything laid out for you.

 

His plan sounds sweet. He thinks of you like his sister. A dangerous thought. His sister is dead. What if he wasn’t able to save you? What would become of his soul, then? It has only been one year since he lost his own twin sister. She got into a car accident after a fight with their parents. He still blames them for her death. He couldn’t save her, so he would do everything he could to at least save you. You know he would. You would be safe with him.

 

So you give in.

 

As soon as you do, as soon as you let him poke onto your inner walls, he manages to tear them down over the night. He is speaking in his soft and low voice until he suddenly hugs you. You’ve started to cry without noticing it and as soon as you do, you can’t make it stop anymore.

 

How do you make it stop?

 

Now it’s you that grabs his sleeves.

 

“How? How do I make it stop?!” You continue to cry and he continues to hug you. “We make him stop together” he keeps whispering the words into your ear, like an enchantment. But it is not what you meant.

 

“The pain? How do I make it stop? Please… Please help me make it stop!” He lets go of you and assesses your whole body. 

 

Your whines become cries. And you don’t know how to quieten them down. He helps you up and leads you into his private bathroom. He opens the valves for hot water and places you under the shower. The hot water shocks you for a moment and it muffles your screams.

 

Slowly, one by one, you’re able to control your breath from there on. You start counting. It helps.  His magical trick helped.

 

“Th-thank you.” You grin while you feel the blood being washed away together with your tears. He is confused. He doesn’t know what you mean. He only tried to wash you to see the wounds more clearly. But it doesn’t matter.

 

The pain is still there. But under the constant stream of running water, it is more quiet. Silent. Dormant.

 

He leaves the bathroom and comes back with his arms full of fresh towels and old clothes from him for you to wear. He turns around as you peel yourself out of your wet clothes and into the new ones.

 

Hope. The most traitorous feelings of them all, started to make itself at home inside of you.

 

.

 

.

 

Your father talks as if he had prepared himself for this day since day one. He is so good with words and you are sure that along the way, he once had made a deal with the devil. Nothing else could explain why he was able to smile so carefree while making you look like a crazy teenager that’s been watching too many movies. He even uses your former attempt to kill yourself against you. You’ve been taking meds; they influence your brain. Your memory.

 

He is so good. Until even you start to believe him, yourself. You’re suddenly insecure. Unsure of whether everything you remember really happened the way you think they did.

 

The woman in front of you is scribbling tiny letters on her block of papers. Letters that decided over your future. If you had to stay with your father, who cuts your wings on a daily basis, or if you were allowed to fight for your own guardianship.

 

She asks you things about certain incidents and your father – who is in the same room as you – only smiles at you.

 

You stammer.

 

His smile grows with every syllable you accidently swallow as you talk.

 

The woman arcs her brows up. She is impatient. Or does she think you lie? You stammer even more.

 

And then you know it. You know that you’ve lost.

 

He knows it, too.

 

The only person who doesn’t know it, is your best friend, Kai. He thinks that he saved you until the very last minute. Until the woman pronounces the judgement.

 

You have to undergo talk therapy and the doctors are advised to change your medication. And you’re sent home. Home. What a strange word. _Home is where the heart is,_ but your heart stopped beating the moment that monstrous feeling of hope turned its back on you.

 

You accept the verdict. You don’t even move one muscle when your father lightly slings his arm around your shoulders. You don’t cry when he whispers into your ears that he is going to make you and your “filthy piece of men-toy” pay.

 

As you walk outside the building, Kai runs after you.

 

“HEY! This isn’t over! I won’t let you do this to her, ever again! I will save her!”

 

Your father only laughs, and strange as it is, you join in.

 

You see the boy’s soul leaving his body and because you don’t know what else to do, you start laughing even more. Waiting for the darkness to finally take you away. And it does. It places its big hands back on your shoulders and leads you to the car, leaving Kai with cold and dead eyes standing in the grey light of this triste November day.

 

It was the last day of his life. Your disgusting, rotten heart broke his. And with that, there was nothing for him left to live for.

 

He jumped of a bridge only two blocks away from your house.

 

___________________

 

“You are not being concentrated today”

 

Jumin lays down his pen to take a closer look at you. You lift your face to meet his eyes. It is the first time you do this on your own, and under different circumstances you would think of this as a small victory over your anxieties. But not today.

 

“Yes. I’m terribly sorry. Where were we?” You want to start writing again but Jumin reaches out with his hand, only one inch stopping before you.

 

“This won’t do. You seem like you’re not in the mood to produce good results today.” His words hurt, but you know that he is right and you only nod to show him that you accept what he said.

 

“Let’s make a deal, then. I’ll tell you something that is going on in my life and you tell me something about what is going on with you?”

 

You nod again, absentmindedly, you’ve read the new articles surrounding him and thus know that a lot must be happening with him.

 

“Alright. Then… Are you familiar with certain rumours involving me and my father?” Of course you were, who in all Korea wasn’t? You incline your head to make him go on.

 

“This woman, Glam Choi, there is a news article stating that my father and her were already planning their wedding. I called the news agency and asked where thy got the information from and it looks like it came directly from Glam herself. So I called her manager and scheduled a meeting with her.”

 

You were baffled. So she fed the trolls, herself? Then again, the rumours must be beneficial to her own career… But still, it looks like she wasn’t after Jumins father for mere warm and fuzzy feelings alone.

 

“Did you say something to her regarding the article?” You found the thought of Jumin being against you, more than a little scary and promised yourself to do everything to never get on his bad side.

 

He gives you a lopsided grin. It is a mixture of a smug smile and a stressed out spasm of his muscles. As if his own conscience wasn’t yet sure of the grin’s nature itself.

 

“Yes. And she was very polite about her answer. Stating that it was my father that was interviewed, and if he had something to hide, he would have said ‘no’ to the press. But he didn’t say anything, and as I myself should know, not saying anything was as good as saying yes to the media. And the worst part? She was right. I asked him afterwards. He didn’t outright deny it.”

 

Yet again, you didn’t want to swap places with him. Growing up in the spot light, always thinking of what to say, and when to say something at all, it mustn’t be pleasant.

 

“So… is there going to be a new release from your father? Telling the news that there is no such thing as a new marriage?” he only shakes his head but doesn’t say anything else and you refrain from asking the details when you see his eye twitch.

 

A nervous habit that a lot of people have when at the brink of losing it. There must a have been a huge fight with his father. The only human bond that was an important constant for his whole life. Seeing how his father not only values his own benefits more than the right for his son to choose his own wedding partner, but then again seeing him value this new woman at his side more than the corporation that his son helped lead… it must be earth shaking for Jumin.

 

“Now you.” You don’t know what he means, until you remember the deal that the two of you made, minutes ago.

 

“Oh. Right.” He waits for you to talk again.

 

“Today… years ago, the most important person of my life, died.”  He nods as understanding as he can. “Yes, your father. I didn’t know that his passing has been years ago, already. I am sorry. It must be difficult for you today.”

 

You blink away the tears of disgust in your eyes. “No. seven years ago was the day of my best friend’s death.”

 

He seems a bit confused. “Oh. Is it untactful to ask how he died?” the topic makes you impatient and irritable.

 

“Yes, it is. But if you must know, he was murdered and I was the one who did it.”

 

The wide space of the office starts to feel too tight and everything around you feels painful and wrong.

 

You stand up and leave the office, with a wide eyed Jumin saying some Korean phrases that you suddenly don’t understand anymore.

 

You leave the office; you leave the building. You start walking until you can’t hear Kai’s voice anymore. Can’t see his numb eyes that were already giving his suicidal plans away if you had only looked properly. Can’t feel the desperate grip on your arms anymore as he wanted to pull you closer to him and away from your father.

 

You walk until it all quiets down inside your head.

 

 

 

________________________

 

 

 

Today was extremely cold, even for a November day. The rest of the week had been cold but bearable and today felt like a whole new level of freezing.

 

Your sister sits inside the apartment and unpacks the little square package that came with the mail today. It’s a German textbook and a dictionary. It was something she had been trying to do, a long time ago, already, but she always ended up giving up and tossing the materials away. But not this time. With her sister – you - being here, she desperately wanted to be a part of your life. She wanted to understand you better. The culture you grew up in, the language you spoke every day. She wanted to know it all.

 

Maybe it was because you were shutting her out so much, that she was looking for a way to connect with you a little more so frenetically.

 

She knows some basics. How to say “Hallo” or “wie geht es dir?” but there was something on her mind that she wanted to do for a very long time. So she pulls out a pretty piece of paper and the dictionary, and starts writing with shaky letters.

 

________________________

 

 

 

“Echo Girl.”

 

You stop. You had been walking for a while when your phone rang with the special ringtone you had set up for Zen. You thought about letting it ring until he hangs up, up then again you thought that listening to his stories might be a good distraction for you. And you were right.

 

While it was hard to follow him all the time with your mind wandering off then and when, his quirkiness always kept bringing you back to the here and now. The director had called him earlier today to tell him who was going to play the female lead in his new play and apparently it was a very well-known idol singer. You try to remember if you had ever seen her but can’t come up with a face for that name.

 

“Excuse me…who?” You hear him having a hard time to breathe.

 

“For real? Echo Girl. The rising star of the music industry. _Let’s meet after school_ and _look at me_? Anything ringing?”

 

Nope. Nothing.

 

“Sorry, I’m not totally familiar with every K-Pop star yet. I’ve only come here a few months ago, remember?” your voice sounds monotone and he takes it as you being sarcastic.

 

“Yeah... I’m sorry. But nevertheless, she’s SO famous and she is going to be my acting partner! I still can’t believe it!” You snort.

 

“Didn’t you say she was a singer? Has she ever acted before?”

 

He goes silent after that, clearly thinking about it. “Ehm, no?” You were confused. How could they make someone the lead of a show if she never acted before? Just because she was famous?

 

“Isn’t this a bid odd? Casting someone who isn’t an actor?”

 

“I guess it must look this way. I usually don’t like it when someone only lands a role because of his status… But I’m sure she will do fine.” 

 

You leave it at that. He was probably right, and what did you know about the industry, anyway.  Then you see a little shop that sells all kinds of letter paper.

 

“Oh I’m sorry, I need to get going now. My sister is here, ready to pick me up. Talk to you later!” You hang up before he can say anything more and walk into the little building.

 

__________________

 

“He took my phone. He saw me texting with you and got angry.” You rub your knuckles, they still hurt from yesterday.

 

Kai and you are sitting under a tree on your school’s property. He grabs his Rucksack and starts rummaging through it. then he grins at you like the champion that he was as he throws his notebook at you. You don’t understand what he wants from you and he only rolls his eyes.

 

“Letters, Butterfly. A bit old school, I know, but they work.” He winks at you and rips some pages out of the handcrafted – probably expensive – leather book. He hands them to you and starts writing on a different sheet of paper, himself.

 

“see? That’s the address we’ll be sending those letters to. It’s close to our home – actually It’s only a little box on a field, but you can walk there on your way home and put the letter inside. And I promise you that I will come and get it and will replace it with my own message for you– everyday so that you can pick it up when you go to school again in the morning. We won’t be able to talk as much as we do now, but we will always have something to look forward to.” Something to look forward to?

 

He smiles reassuringly. A letter from him, for you. Yes, that was definitely something to look forward to. You press the paper to your chest – the pain from the night before long forgotten.

 

They say that there is no magic in our world, but when you were with him, you felt like his magic turned you into something truly beautiful. Like the magic of a cocoon that made you feel like you were about to spread your wings again even though your father kept cutting them down. Kept caging you. Kept pushing you down.

 

“Thank you.” You feel the warm summer breeze brushing against your teeth as you smile. Never has your smile felt sincerer and you can see him blush but not averting his eyes the slightest. Taking all of you in. He touches your knee and squeezes it. He knows that touching makes you uncomfortable but this time, it’s okay. If it’s him, everything is okay.

 

___________

 

 

 

“Thank you” you take the bag with the freshly acquired paper, the paper lantern and the cord and walk outside. Your bag has been vibrating a lot while you were walking. You have fourteen missed calls. But you brush it away. Today, it didn’t matter if anyone cared for you. Today, there was something you desperately needed to do. For _him._ For yourself.

 

You walk into a small playground that you had spotted on your way out and sit down on one of the swings. Then you start writing.

 

_“My dearest Kai,_

 

_How are you? Up there? Don’t ask me how I know that you’re in heaven and not in hell, there is no way the sky would let someone as bright as you, fall down there._

 

_I know that it has been some years since I last honoured this tradition. But I was scared of thinking about you as long as I continued to live with the monster. Because I know that after everything, it was me that killed you. Because I wasn’t able to be saved by you and still, even though I knew what my dark heart was able to do with you, I still let you go to those extends._

 

_I am sorry._

 

_Words are not enough. Words will never be enough for what I did. For what I made you do.  But I won’t beg you for your forgiveness… Because I know that even if you did forgive me, that doesn’t mean that I can ever forgive myself.  Instead, I will ask you to watch over me. Not to protect me, but to see my progress. I want to learn. I want to trust. I want to become the person you wanted me to be._

 

_I am living with my sister now, I know crazy, right?  And even though I can’t let her see the abyss inside my heart, I want to protect her. I want to be there for her. So I will try. You just watch me._

 

_I know that there is no place I can ever send this letter to, as heaven is not a place but a feeling. And still. I am writing this, hoping that those words will reach you anyways._

 

_You are the brother that I never had through blood. But I believe that when you died, a part of me died with you. And from now on, I will regain that part of me, myself._

 

_Love, Butterfly”_

 

You roll the letter and wrap the cord around it. Then you light the paper lantern and let your letter fly. You watch it as it goes higher and higher, until it seems to touch the clouds. When you can’t see it anymore, you pull the old woollen scarf a little tighter around your neck and start walking towards the station, not noticing the cloud in the sky that looks like a butterfly.

 

___________________________________

 

 

 

You don’t even get to take off your shoes when your sister walks up to you and slaps you in the face. You don’t flinch and just continue hanging up your jacket. Then your keys. Then your bag.

 

“Where the hell were you?!” You don’t answer and she pulls out her phone.

 

It is past three! You lesson ended almost five hours ago! I was at the C&R building but you weren’t there! Then I spoke to Jumin and he didn’t want to tell me anything, saying that it was personal and if I didn’t know about it, then it wasn’t his place to say anything! Can you imagine how I feel?!”

 

You can.

 

“I – I was so scared! I thought… The hacker… I even called Seven and wanted to ask him to track you down but he didn’t answer his phone. I called everyone!” so that was where the number of missed calls where coming from.

 

 

 

“I’m fine. I promise you, I’m fine now. I needed to do something. For a friend. And for myself. I can’t tell you everything about it, but it needed to be done. It was long overdue. I am sorry. I am sorry for worrying you like this. It will never happen again.”

 

She only stares at you. In disbelief. And then she cries and hugs you tight. “Why won’t you ever tell me anything? Why? I am your sister! Your flesh and blood! I am so mad at you but I am so glad that you’re safe. Don’t do this to me! Ever again.”

 

You hug her back. She smells like sweet tea and roses. She smells like home.

 

“I’m sorry.” You don’t know who you’re saying it to, but you needed to say it even so.

 

.

 

.

 

You spot the pink envelope as you walk out of the bathroom. Your sister is preparing you a late lunch/ an early dinner. She keeps switching from yelling at you, to caressing your cheeks and asking if everything is okay. You don’t know what to make of this, and neither does she.

 

The soft colour of the paper makes your heart skip a beat.

 

You take it.

 

The handwriting looks like children’s writing, but you know who wrote it and you want to scream inside.

 

When did she….? Did she know? Did Jumin tell her something after all?

 

The letters are in German; the grammar is poor but…. But…

 

 

 

_“Schwester,_

 

_Ich dir nicht wissen wie helfen immer, aber ich versuchen._

 

_Gegen den Rest der Welt – wir._

 

_Ich für dich da._

 

_Liebe.“_

 

 

She wrote you a letter. Honouring a tradition, she didn’t even know anything about. Writing for you – unknown and….  And giving you what you needed, unknowingly.

 

It felt like it was a quiet reply to you own letter, that was high up in the sky right now, having reached him at last.  And it said: _Alright, I will watch over you._

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                            

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo - Hello  
> Wie geht es dir - How are you?
> 
>  
> 
> “Schwester,  
> Ich dir nicht wissen wie helfen immer, aber ich versuchen.  
> Gegen den Rest der Welt – wir.  
> Ich für dich da.  
> Liebe.“ 
> 
> The letter is in really bad german (intentional), but it means something like this:  
> \- Sister, I don't always know how to help you, but I try.  
> We against the world.  
> I'm here for you,  
> love


	15. Artwork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know the title says "Artwork" but it really isn't one lol
> 
> So I wasn't feeling well since yesterday and couldn't get the new chapter the way I wanted it to be. And whenever I'm having a little case of writer's block, I doodle my way back into creativity. I know it's not a masterpiece, but I thought I'd share it with you guys, anyways. I hope I'll be back and able to write by tomorrow, but until then, please bear with this little drawing. 
> 
> Lots of love to everyone :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can now find me on tumblr (just a little heads up: I'm still new to this whole tumblr thing so pleaaaase be patient with me haha)  
> http://lonesandkorn.tumblr.com/


	16. Artwork 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> almost done with the new *real* chapter, so in the meantime.... :)
> 
> As I already said, I've got tumblr now : https://lonesandkorn.tumblr.com/  
> go visit me there if you've got time :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The base for this picture comes from Tokyo Ghoul

 

"Even now, all you do is just ruining my life... you probably don't know, I'm sure you've long forgotten about me..hehe... I guess now you do..I prayed so that I wouldn't meet you because I knew that seeing you would remind me of my pathetic life.."


	17. not today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew all that, and still. Shit, he needed to get his shit together. But not today. Today he needed… a way out. Out of this restaurant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV: Zen and You

When the director called him and told him who the female lead of the musical was going to be, he nearly spilled his coke all over his white coat. Echo Girl. Like seriously, Echo Girl.

He had been listening to some of her songs on repeat and there was no corner in this city where you wouldn’t be able to spot a poster with her face on it. She was young, she was pretty and she was so talented.

He started browsing the web and watching interviews with her, she was always so sweet but also a little too girlish for his taste. A little too quirky, a little too much of everything. But he got why she was considered beautiful. She was… Uhm…pneumatic? Yeah, pneumatic was definitely the word for her. Their looks would be great on stage, and her fame would help spread the word about him.

Even though he wanted to win over the mass with his performance alone, if there were more people to come and watch his performance due to his co-star, this wouldn’t be considered cheating. Right? Right? Right.

It was something he was proud to have achieved and he hoped that he might be able to send one copy of the DVD over to his family.

Yeah…

He knew that they probably turn off the video as soon as they see his face, even if he sent it to them under a different name… But… after meeting you and your sister and seeing how you started to become closer after spending your whole childhood apart… he just had to try.

He was just about to open the fridge and look for something to eat, when his phone rang and a sugar sweet voice greeted him. A voice he came to know too well over the last day.

“Zeeeeeenny! Hey handsome. Please excuse me but I got my manager to ask around for your number because I just wanted to talk to you so bad! How are you today, my Zenny?”

Zenny? Whoa, she was being so familiar with him even though it was their first time talking to each other. He usually didn’t mind being flirtatious, but something just didn’t feel right when she said it. There was no teasing in her voice and it sounded more like the sweet talk girls give their little puppies.

“Oy? Is that so? I’m fine. God, I can’t believe that you will be my co-star. This is insane! How are you? Did you eat breakfast already?”

She giggled.

“aww, my sweet Zenny is caring about me. How nice, I feel so loved! Yes, I did eat breakfast, I hope you did as well? Anyways, that’s not why I’m calling you. It is almost noon and why don’t we meet up to eat lunch together? I want you to meet someone special today so make sure you get here on time. Send you the address now ~”

What an oddball.

.

.

Why, out of all places, did they have to meet at this chic restaurant? Did she want to show off? It’s not like he doesn’t have enough money to go dining out -  living in the same apartment he used to live in since high school, gave him the opportunity to save money. But that was exactly the thing, he was only able to save the money because HE DID NOT SPEND IT FOR FANCY MEALS THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

So here he was, standing in front of one of Seoul’s most prestigious Sushi restaurant that didn’t serve even one menu under 100,000. Yeah, definitely trying to show off. And of course he himself was there on time but she let him wait for about half an hour, which didn’t really lighten his mood but… what could he do...

When he spotted her, she was accompanied by an extremely stern looking man who reminded him a tat too much of the Trust Fund Kid. So, was he the person that he was supposed to meet? Was this about money? He didn’t like this whole situation one bit, but he still smiled when she approached him with her cute-girl voice.

“Heeeey there ~ aw look who’s all polished up here.” She came close, a little too close, grabbing the collar of his shirt and rubbing it between her thumbs. He continued smiling but politely released her hands from him.

“Hello, you look as cute as always.” She was his partner, after all. So he needed to keep it professional, pissing her off right on the first day was definitely something that was not on his priority list.

 

___________________

 

You wake up to many more missed calls on your phone. You don’t know what your sister has told everyone yesterday, but it must have been dramatic enough to get everyone to worry about you.

Strange. You felt strange.

Why did they worry so much? Oh right, because no one of them knows that this was simply you. Vanishing from the surface and simply dealing with stuff yourself. This was how you always did things. Before… yes, before what? Before this.

Your hands trail the nightstand before your eyes could follow them, grabbing the pretty sheet of paper and rereading the awkwardly written lines that were oozing with sisterly love.

“We against the world.” You immediately start imagining you and your sister slipping into some uncomfortable super hero clothes and beating up some shady guys in a dark alley. You definitely should stop watching those ridiculous marvel movies ~~that you like way too much~~.

“What? What’s so funny now?” You don’t know if she is half asleep or not because her head is still inside her pillow. That’s weird, you didn’t laugh?

“I can feel that something is amusing you, so you better confess now, lady!”  You better confess? That could have come straight out from a fully grown cliché superhero and _now_ you can’t stop laughing. What’s up with her?

“Huh? How did you know that? Is that some strange twin thing going on here?” Your sister giggles with her head still in the pillow. “It was a mere guess but – Oh, you were laughing while looking at my letter?!” she snatches the thing out of your hand with the speed of lightning which makes you laugh even more.

“No, it’s not what you think. I didn’t laugh because of you; it was just that I imagined us…I... Uhm...” you blush when she looks at you.  There is now way that you would confess this to her. She’d probably think of it as stupid – and it was.

Then the doorbell rings.

You both stare at each other, the colour suddenly leaving your faces. Nobody knew that you were living here.  Nobody but two people.

The doorbell rings again.

You swallow and grab the lamp that is standing on the little table next to the bed. Your sister tries to hold you back but you swat her hand away, your eyes still focused on the door.

It couldn’t be, right?

It wasn’t Christmas yet and…. And… he wouldn’t hurt you, would he? Would he?

The rush of adrenalin makes you feel weak and strong at the same time.

You try to be as silent and smooth as you can and hold the lamp as some kind of a weapon when you reach out with your other hand to touch the doorknob.

You hesitate. What it _really_ was Unknown? What if he – stop thinking about it and open the door.

You turn the knob with one heavy motion and tug at the door into your direction with a violence long forgotten to your soul.

You’re braced for every eventuality. Unknown. With a weapon. Or worse. Drugs. High. Trying to hurt you and your sister. But you didn’t expect _nothing_.

There was nothing in the hallway. No, no _one._ Instead, there was a wrapped package lying on the floor in front the entrance.

“Shit! What the hell?! Is this… You don’t think this is a bomb or something, right? Like those they send per mail? I’ve seen something like that on TV once and… God damn it, I should call Seven. NOW – Hey wait? What are you doing? You can’t just open it like that!”

Your sister storms over to you but you already picked up the rectangular shaped thing and carry it inside. You ignore her rambling because you know exactly who sent the package: the defender of justice, 707.

You’re what? Disappointed? You’d better not be disappointed because there is no reason to feel that way!

Your sister takes some steps back, still not fully convinced that this _obviously_ Seven-style wrapped gift wasn’t a bomb. Like what on earth was she thinking. Why would someone bring a bomb here? There was nothing of worth here and if someone really wanted YOU or your sister, he didn’t need to blow you up for it.

“You were about to call Seven, right? Do. And tell him that we can’t accept his gift. This is insane!” Now you’ve got her attention. She steps closer and your head almost crash in the middle because you’re not quick enough to pull it back before she can jump on the table.

That crazy redhead had sent you…. Laptops. Not one, but two. The devices come with a small cardboard version of Seven and she quickly grabs it to search for a message. Mini Seven was holding up a sign that said “The defender of justice can’t let his disciples live without a mobile workstation. The bill goes straight to Jumin anyways. Now pray to the cat god 707!”

You both don’t know what to say and start laughing instead.

“Is he serious? Did he hack into Jumins bank account to make the transaction? I’m not sure it’s purely legal to accept them.”

You _say_ that but you’re actually unpacking the Notebook already. Your sister is already talking with Seven on the line and is constantly blushing at whatever he said to her.

“He said that we needed one. Each. Because we’re supposed to feel at home and since there are so many things that we can’t use, he wanted to give us our own stuff so that we can be more comfortable. And we got one each, because even though we’re twins, we’re still individuals with the right of privacy.”

That was…. Really thoughtful of him.

“so… do you know how to set this thing up, or should I go and call him again?”

You look at the devices, it’s the brand new model and it’s a windows based notebook. That, you can handle. You nod and start working.

____________________________

“It is so funny, I used to go and watch a lot of Zenny’s musicals before I became famous, and now he is my acting partner. That’s what I call a match made in heaven hihi”

Echo girl kept repeating this fact over and over again. at first, he was shocked, or flattered, or both. Could it be that she was actually a… fan of him? That definitely was something he did not see coming.

But the more she kept mentioning it, the more fraud did it sound. And he started being really uncomfortable.

When the three of them entered the restaurant, they were promptly greeted by the restaurant owner. Apparently her father was the owner of this building complex and thus given the best table.

When they were about to sit down, the young singer automatically took the chair next to him, instead of sitting next to her own father. And whenever she got the chance, she would take his arm or touch him in any other way. This was more than friendly flirting. This was showing off possessiveness and Zen did not like this even one bit.

 

They were in the middle of desert when he excused himself to the bathroom. Finally, being able to breathe.

That was a first.

Never has there ever been a woman that tired him out this much, made him feel claustrophobic in a room that was a big as a concert hall and gave him the urge to go shower right after this meeting. He felt filthy.

His phone vibrates through his pants and he is more than happy to pull it out, taking the small chance to escape this mess -  even if it was only for a few seconds.

It’s You.  His heart skips a beat and – wait? It did what? Uhm, excuse him _? There must have been a little error in this. Let’s try this again._

He starts reading your message again and he feels a little wave or relief and happiness. Why was he acting this way? Why was he becoming weird?

Now that he thinks about it, when he got the news of who his acting partner would be, the first thought he had was telling you. Why?

Someone knocks on the door of the bathroom.

“Zenny, are you okay? You’ve been gone for a while and I was starting to get worried?” The sweetness of her voice made a switch in him, flip.

But it was to no use.

He needed to get away, maybe he can tell her that he wasn’t feeling well? He _was_ an actor, after all.

_Alright, Zen, this is one of your roles._

He looked into the mirror to make sure that the slumping of his posture was just right and his face looked exhausted –which was not an act by the way – and opened the door.

Echo girl looked at him with big, blue eyes – _her kind of blue wasn’t as beautiful as yours. Yeah, could his mind please put this thought aside for now? Pretty please?_

“Uhm, actually, I think I might be getting a little sick. I’ve been out, yesterday and didn’t get enough sleep. I suppose it would be better if I went home… I’m sorry.”

She starts pouting like he knew she would.

“Boohoo… Zenny. You need to take good care of yourself. What would happen if we weren’t able to act together because of your health? I would be so, so sad. And your career… It’s not very professional to go out drinking until late at night when you’ve just accepted an important job.”

He knew all that, and still.  Shit, he needed to get his shit together. But not today. Today he needed… a way out. Out of this restaurant.

“poor Zenny, you really look ill. Now I’m worried. Should I come with you? I could make you some chicken broth and ginger tea? Yes, let me just grab my things and we’re good to go. Daddy already paid the bill, so no worries.”

What, she wanted to come with him? Her, invading his personal space was even more uncomfortable.

“No, please don’t trouble yourself with this. I just need some sleep and – “

Her phone rang. It was her manager, apparently she had a shooting in approximately fifteen minutes. The kind that cannot be cancelled.

While he didn’t let his acting slip, he was dancing inside. She still orders him to take the car with her and told her driver to drop him off. Refusing even this would be too much so he takes it.

She continues her overly strange behaviour during the drive, sitting much closer than needed – and comfortable for him. 

His phone buzzes again and he can’t be quick enough to see if it was you who replied. _Dear brain, seriously, what did he say before? Stuff it._

But it _is_ You and somehow this makes him happy.

“Who is the one that can make you smile like this?” He turns towards the voice and almost touches her nose, that’s how close she is now. And she is peaking at his screen, trying to decipher the name on the top right corner.

It’s a reflex, but he immediately locks the phone and puts it away. Giving himself away a little too much.

“Oh, it’s a friend – one of those I went out with, yesterday.”

Her eyes become blank and a little threatening before she manages to change them back to glossy and innocent _manually._

“Oh, is that so?  Is she the one who made you stay up all night? If she _really_ was your friend, she wouldn’t make you do something as stupid and reckless as that. _I_ wouldn’t make you do something like this. Maybe she isn’t your friends, after all?”

This makes him angry. How dare she.

The car pulls over and he knows that they stopped at his apartment. So he tries to swallow down whatever comment he had on his tongue – and went outside the car.

He can hear how the windows open enough for her to speak.

“Don’t worry, I will take good care of you from now on.”

He only waved at her without turning around. He knew he was being rude but right now, right in this moment, he didn’t care.

When the engine of the car finally started again, and he had closed the door behind him, the first thing he did was take a shower, trying to get this filthy feeling off his body.

 

_______________________

 

Jumin had called you this morning, telling you that he took a day off to sort out some things. You didn’t ask why, knowing that it must have something to do with Glam and this arranged marriage.  But if he wasn’t going to talk about it on his own, it wasn’t your place to pester him because of it, as well.

 

He also refrains from asking you about yesterday. You weren’t sure if he was either being polite, or just didn’t know what to make of your behaviour, but you were thankful for his silence, nevertheless.

.

.

.

You spend the day with setting everything up for you and your sister so that everyone has her respective workspace and it is way into the afternoon when you get a notification that you received some emails to your private account. That was… unusual. You normally don’t get mails, except for spam, but this was a thing your junk filters were able to handle pretty well.

You forget to breathe as soon as you open them.

_STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ZEN_

_Don’t go near him, don’t talk to him or we will come and find you._

_HE DOESN’T BELONG TO YOU, YOU BITCH!_

Your email folder was full with messages like this.

Your face is heating up. You want to look away but you can’t.

Who would write something like this? Who got your email address? And how?

You start to hear a monotone beeping noise inside your head that makes every other sound fade away in the distance.

When your sister grabs your shoulders, you jump up in surprise and close the notebook in one motion.

“Is, everything alright with you? I was calling you numeral times now but you didn’t answer.” She looks at you. Awaiting your reaction.

“Yeah, I Uhm… I was thinking about whether or not to go shower now and just decided that now is the perfect time to do so.

Your sister furrows her brows at you as you walk over to the bathroom.

Why was it like that? You felt so strong after yesterday and now…. How could some stupid words take away all the progress you thought you had made?

No. You were pathetic and weak. How could you think that everything was simply going to work out from now on? This foolishness needed to be punished. Faltering because of nothing but some lines from strangers that you don’t even know and that don’t even know _you?_

You turn around the valve for extra hot water and your skin feels like it is burning away.

Yes, this was more like it.

This was more like it would always be for someone like you.

.

.

You walk straight past your laptop when you come out of the bathroom again, avoiding it like it was poisonous. And in some way, it was.

You knew that as soon as you unlock the screen, the first thing you would see would be those emails. Something you couldn’t handle. Not today.

So you sit down on the sofa and pretend to watch some TV when your phone rings.

For the split of a second, you’re afraid it’s them. Had those people found out your private number as well?

You don’t want to look at the phone and just let it ring until your voicemail picks up.

It rings again and again and again.  until you eventually do look at the screen.

You should feel relieved, it’s not them, it’s Zen. But for some reason, this makes you even more anxious.

It continues ringing but you only stare at it as if your eyes could make it all disappear. And then, it stops.

You hold your breath, expecting there to be another call, but it doesn’t come. At least, not today.


	18. Signs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up with your sister hovering over you. She wears an expression you have never seen on her before. She wants to say something – anything at all, but everything that leaves her mouth turns to gibberish in your ear.  
> “I just had the weirdest dream.” And then you laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV: Saeran, Zen and You (in this order)
> 
> Sorry for the long wait, I love you guys! I really had a terrible writers block and other stuff going on in my life. But I am back now. Don't worry, I never even thought about abandoning this story and I hope that you'll like the update.  
> Fell hugged!  
> ___________
> 
> Question for you: Do you prefer long chapters like this, or would you rather have me splitting them into smaller ones (most likely POV-wise)  
> Let me know in the comments :)  
> ___________

_Again_.

 

He tried entering the code again. The green numbers start flashing over the screen, and it looks like everything was working the way it was supposed to.  He taps his fingers while he waits for the program to finish.

When he sees the little numbers forming a green skull on the computer screen, he almost smashes his keyboard into it.

 

_Fuck this shit and fuck this fucking code!_

 

There was no way his fucking brother was better than him. He just needed to concentrate some more, just needed some more time.

But he could neither concentrate nor did he have time to spare.

The week that the Saviour had set as an ultimatum for him was almost over, and when she found out that he couldn’t get behind Saeyoung’s code, he didn’t know what she would do to him.

 

Ever since that evening, all he could think about was failing and the possible consequences.

 

What the hell was wrong with him? He had been with Mint Eye for so long, and he never failed a task.

 

He already managed to hack into the system of the RFA before, so why couldn’t he do it a second time? What was his brother hiding behind this massive wall? What was so bad that he invented this kind of code to protect it? It couldn’t be about this stupid Christmas event; he was sure about that.

He eyed the vial of the new meds on his desk. He was a little hesitant to take some more since he noticed that even though they did indeed suppress all the things that kept him from being efficient, they also amplified every distraction as soon as they found their way into his trail of thought until he didn’t know what he was doing anymore. There were also those incidents where he woke up laying in random places, presumably having passed out before.

 

Lately, he also noticed that he couldn’t keep much food in his stomach, whenever he ate something, he soon needed to throw up and empty his stomach.

The side effects of this new medication were getting worse with every day.

But he needed to produce results. He just had to.

And if he were honest with himself, he’d rather barf than have those scary hallucinations about you all day. He remembers the sickening feelings he started harbouring and the dreams and… he knew that he wasn’t able to endure those anymore.

No. going back to the old Happy-Liquid was not an option he truthfully considered.

He reaches for the small glass and gulps down another dose of the bitter tasting fluid. It doesn’t take long for him to notice the effect of it, his body was already so accustomed to it that it felt like him and the meds instantly connected.

His stomach started cramping, and he felt the all too familiar nausea building up inside of him. He didn’t eat anything all day, but he already felt that he was about to run to the toilet again.

.

When he was done emptying his already empty stomach, he made his way back to the desk. Completely ignoring that his clothes were sticking to him because of the sweat that was coming out of every pore of his body.

He also blinked the stars that were creeping into his vision, away. After that, he was finally ready to work.

For a while, he just sat still in his chair. Not moving a muscle but his mind was racing. Scanning every bit of information in his brain until he came up with a solution.

If he couldn’t crack this code in due time, he would simply feed her the other information he had: The Christmas event. He would need to fake a leaked report. He could do that. It would make her happy. It would be enough. And she would think that he found out about this on his own account.

Like this, nobody had to know that he and the girl were in contact. Nobody would think about laying a finger on what was his and his alone. And as soon as the Saviour trusted him again, he would have more time to decipher that redhead’s work.

Yes, that was what he would do.

 

He opens up a new window and starts coding a program that he would crack afterwards, faking a break-in into RFA-server systems.

He would then use the constructed log and show it his Saviour. He could already imagine her face when she saw him making progress. She would stroke his hair like she used to do and would tell him that she always believed in him and she never truly thought that he would ever lie to her.

 

Strange. This image should make him happy, but it didn’t. He felt nothing at all.

Another side effect of the meds. They seemed to take away every emotional connection he used to feel. Suppressing them. But he knew that his feelings for the Saviour were real and that they were right. So he would always choose to please her if he could.

 

But he also needed to cover up for his past sins. Because even though he loved his Saviour, he also knew that if he wanted to escape re-education, he had to lead his traces away from the girl.

 

_The girl._

His head started spinning.

When had he become so prone to lying to the Saviour?

Why was he protecting her? He wasn’t. He was protecting himself. He was keeping himself safe. It had nothing to with her.

But what if it did? It simply didn’t.

His stomach started cramping again. He tried to ignore it as he was typing on his keyboard but it kept getting worse until he had a hard time to breathe.

 

  _Fuck_.

 

He stood up and had to support himself with his hands on the surface of the desk. His vision was narrowing, and he heard the disgusting noise of his blood swooshing through his body.

 

_Come on, it’s just a few more steps to the toilet. You can make it!_

 

But he didn’t make it.

 

 

 

He felt his knees giving in and directly after that, his head hitting the ground.

____________’

  **Zen**

 

You didn’t pick up his call, and something told him that you weren’t feeling well. God damn that girl, why did you think that you needed to shut him out when you weren’t feeling well? You usually always pick up the phone when he called. Not that you were talking over the phone particularly often, but when you did, you always picked up.

 

Ever since that night with the weird dream, he felt like he had to protect you. This must be the feeling that his heart was apparently mixing up with a little crush on you.

After taking the long overdue shower that he had been craving so much because of the awkward lunch with Echo Girl and her father, he felt like he could finally think again.

Zen was currently laying curled up on his couch. This day was just getting weirder with every passing second. What was it that his guts wanted to tell him?

 

_“Isn’t this a bit odd? Casting someone who isn’t an actor?”_

_“I guess it must look this way. I usually don’t like it when someone only lands a role because of his status… But I’m sure she will do fine.”_

 

Why did he remember the talk with you just now? And who was he thinking about when he said those words? Echo Girl or… himself?

 

No. That wasn’t right. He had been working his ass off to finally get a spot on a high-class play. Everything up till now was thanks to his talent and the eagerness to keep getting better.

 

But still. Thinking about it, it was odd that she got cast for the role if she had never every acted before. Maybe, just maybe, she was a natural. But somehow he couldn’t imagine her to be one.

 

Then again, it wasn’t his place to judge her before they even started rehearsing.

 

The thought of having a lot of people in the same room with her gave him comfort. And that was coming from him!

He couldn’t place it, but something was not right with her. The look she had when she saw him texting with you was scary, to say the least.

 

The alarm bells in his guts started ringing again.

 

God dammit, why did his beauty let those poor women fall so hard for him? It was a curse. A curse that he alone had to endure. Would he ever find that one woman, that could capture his hard in a storm? He doubted in, after all, there were just too many fishes in the sea.

 

But he still wished for it.

 

 

He remembers your blue eyes that felt like they had a depth to them that he has never seen before. A pang of sadness that caused him to have an ache inside his heart that was previously unknown to him.

 

He was sure that you weren’t aware that he could see your sadness. But he could. And whenever he saw you smile at him, he wished that he could be the one to make you smile for the rest of your life.

 

He pinched his own cheek.

 

Has he gone crazy? He wasn’t in love with you adhkjlöswd3ffvewn.

A brotherly sense of wanting to protect you is all he felt. But, then why was he dialling your number without even looking at the screen, let alone actively thinking about you?

When he heard the dialling tone, he almost hung up but decided that maybe talking to you about his messed up day would help with whatever his guts wanted to tell him about Echo Girl.

 

He didn’t even consider that you wouldn’t pick up and was kind of shocked when you didn’t answer his call.

 

He tries again. And again.

 

The odd feeling inside his stomach only intensified.  Before he can start dialling again, his doorbell rings.  Who would come and visit him now? He checked the messenger to see if any of the RFA members were planning on coming over. And mind him, of course, he did not hope for that particular member to be you, goddamnit.

 

So, of course, he wasn’t kinda disappointed when in fact, you didn’t come over to him.

 

It rings again and Zen only barely finds the strength to get up from his super comfortable couch, his mind listing all the people that could be standing outside this door.

 

The mailman? Did he order something? He didn’t think so, then again a fan could have sent something over to him, and his address was public, after all.

When he opens the front door, he is greeted by ~~a pair of boobs and long brown hair~~. _Please erase that sentence, dear brain;_ he was greeted by Echo Girl. He is too shocked to say anything and just stares at her with weary eyes.

 

“Yes, hello to you, too. Have you been missing me?”  Her words were slurring a little, had she been drinking? She was smiling, but it felt fake. Like everything about her. Why was she trying so hard?

 

“You know… I came to apologise for today. I didn’t mean to be rude towards your friend... Can I come in?”

 

It was late already, and he was in his pyjamas, and he did.not.want.her.in.his.personal.space. He absolutely would not let her in.

 

“Yes, of course.” 

 

She smiles and walks past him. He follows her with careful steps as she wanders through his small apartment, assessing every inch of it. It wasn’t often that he was so conscious of his surroundings. But now that she was here already, he wished he had cleaned up his shit that was lying around.

 

_Well, guess that even an unwanted guest is a guest after all._

 

“So this is where my Zenny spends most of his time. It looks really cosy!” she lets herself fall onto the couch, and he fights down the urge tell her off. This girl really was something else!

 

“Can I offer you something to drink? I only have beer and water though...” she smiles giddily. “Beer is fine.”

 

He overthinks this offer for a second. She was obviously already tipsy, and he wasn’t sure if adding to that was the wisest thing to do. He didn’t want her to pass out on his couch. Under no circumstances.

 

She would sleep on the couch and of course, he wouldn’t do something to her. But the couch would smell like her the next day, and he wasn’t in the mood to buy a new couch. Or burn this one, for obvious reasons.

 

But then again, He had to get on her good sides; they were acting partners, after all.

 

He remembers the times in college when he was broke, and nobody wanted to hire him in their ensemble. He made it this far already.

 

_Think of this as acting practice. This is just practise, it’s just like practising in a rundown studio before the big studio._

 

He started to relax a little. Yes… He was acting. Nothing of this had to feel real if he didn’t want it to. He would get through this. And he would shine on the stage.

 

So he only smiles at her and gets the girl her beer.

 

She gulps it down in a few slurps and smiles even more. She looked like the grinning cat from Alice in wonderland.

 

That was definitely the last beer for her tonight.

 

“You know… I reaaally didn’t mean to be mean today. It is just that… aww… I’ve been jealous.”  She starts pouting and wiggling in her seat. He instantly found the corner of the table super exciting and could not, under no circumstances, see her shaking boobs.

 

He needs to get her out of here.

 

“Zenny… I was so, so jealous. I thought I would go insane!” Her voice starts travelling up some volumes, and he places his hand over her mouth to make her shut up.

She, however, starts taking his hand and gives one of his fingers a quick lick before he is able to pull it back. She was crazy, alright.

 

“What are you doing?” Why was this girl invading his personal space so much? He felt so wrong, having her sit next to him. Having her talk to him this way… It was sickening.

 

He thinks about the past few days in which he had been obsessing over her, watching every interview and listening to every song of her. He thought that she was a little skittish, but again, looks can be deceiving.

 

The familiar feeling from earlier today came back to him.

 

“I’m sorry; I just… want you this much. Do you think I’m beautiful?” She was blushing now.

 

Did he think she was beautiful? She had everything a man could dream of: full lips, round eyes, a small waist and dear god why big boobs. So objectively speaking, she sure was beautiful. She must know this herself, right?

 

“Of course you are pretty, why – “She is all over him before he can finish his sentence. Her hands start gliding down his neck as she speaks.

“You think so? You really do? Oh my God Zen, I’ve been waiting for this for so long! After seeing one of your performances, I worked so hard to get into the music industry to make you notice me. And look at us now! It’s destiny!”

 

She is sitting on his lap now rubs her breasts into his face while hugging him.

 

Destiny was a big word. Especially in combination with love. He was moved by her words and the fact that she really seemed to be a genuine fan of his made his heart swell a little, but still. He couldn’t sleep with her because of that. He was not this kind of man, and he once swore to himself that he would never be.

 

He pushes her away, gently at first, but when she keeps coming at him again, he pushes her with more force.

 

“What in the world has gotten into you? Why are you doing this?”

 

He sees the dawning understanding in her eyes. Then the tears come. She crouches into the tiniest corner of the couch and starts crying, and he instantly feels bad for her. It was him that made her cry…

 

“I… I… I thought that you would… And...!”  The hiccups swallow the rest of her words.  He waits a few more seconds before kneeling down on the floor before her. Slowly removing the hands from her face.

 

“Tell me what is really going on. You are beautiful, and I’m sure that a lot of guys are head over heels for you…”

 

He means it. He really was sure that she had a lot of men that were lusting after her. It was just that…. He wasn’t one of them.

 

“But none of them is you! No other man but you will do… I want you so bad! I saved myself up for you! It can’t be someone else but you.”

 

He sighs. Feeling completely drained. He should be honoured to have such a beautiful girl falling for him, let alone the fact that she was an idol. But he knew that even if he gave in, he could never bear to look into the mirror afterwards.

 

There is only one reason for him to have sex: love. And by all means, he did not love this girl.

 

“I am sorry.”

 

Her sobbing becomes stronger, but then he feels herself shifting. Like the girl he had just seen was nothing but a fabrication of his brain.

 

“Well then, fuck you! Don’t think you’re better than me or anything! And stop treating me like a child!” She was screaming again, dear god why. He could already see the awkward glances coming from his neighbours.

 

“That’s not it. I swear that’s not it! I just can’t…  A long time ago, I swore to myself that I will only sleep with a woman that I love.”

 

Her eyes sparked back to life at that.  She grabbed him by his shoulders while yelling. “I can be the woman you love! I promise you!” She kissed him with the speed of lightning, and he almost smacked her face in shock.

 

“Stop this!” and to his surprise, she did. When she looked at him again, he didn’t recognise her.

 

Her face was contorted with anger, jealousy and hate.

 

“I swear to god, if I can’t have you, I will destroy you. You and that stupid bitch you were texting with. Just you wait! I’ll make you come running to me, babe.”

 

She starts crying again, but this time, he doesn’t try to help her. That woman was disgusting. Scary. Sick.

 

She gets up and storms out of the apartment, and he can’t help but feeling like Damocles’ sword just fell over him.

 

________#

**You**

 

The tight collar of this blouse feels scratchy around your neck. You’re not used to wearing this kind of shirts, but Jumin insisted on wearing it since you were all representing his company.

 

Today was the day you were supposed to meet with this sponsor, regarding the Christmas party. The original plan was for Jaehee to accompany Jumin, but she was held up with another cat-business plan and asked you to go instead.

 

You knew this wasn’t a good idea, but your sister promised to come as well, and before you knew it, you were sitting in this office inside this pompous building from this super famous family.

 

“Do you remember everything from the briefing?” Jumin had just arrived and pulled out some papers from his briefcase.

 

“I usually do not like when my plans change on such short notice.” He gave you the sheets and handed another copy to your sister.

 

“We know this is sudden. Jaehee called us only this morning. But I can assure you that we will do our best.” Your sister bows towards Jumin. She was good. She was good as always.

 

“Of course you will do your best. You should always give your best.” Jumin was unusually stiff today. You assume it has to do with his overall situation, but you have too much on your own plate to worry about this right now. You would ask him later when you were alone.

 

He rubs his temples and sighs before switching back into his iron mask, and you start feeling even more uncomfortable. Why was this office beginning to feel so narrow?

 

The door opens, and a handful of grim looking men in black suits step into the scene. This really helped with your level of comfort why thank you very much.

 

Jumin stands up and smiles at the men which they return with a quick nod before they part to let middle-aged couple pass through.

 

“Mister Han! It is so good to see you. Please excuse our entourage, our manager insists that we don’t go anywhere without them. Please try to ignore them for the time being.”

 

Ignore them. Nothing easier than that haha.

 

“It is no problem. Safety always comes first. You both look fantastic as always, it seems like your past Vacation on the Bahamas did you well.”

Misses Seonwoo giggled. Why was it that everyone was so good with words, except for you?

 

“You are as charming as always. I hear your company is doing well, it must be because of your hard work. It is so good to see the next generation working as hard as you.” Jumin bows in perfect politeness and you feel like you see him for the first time. Has he always been this smooth?

 

It doesn’t take long before the talk gets redirected towards business again.

 

“Let us talk about why we actually gathered today – as much as I enjoy seeing you, as always. About the sponsorship, do you have other sponsors already?”

 

Ah – now the real poker game begins. Jaehee explained to you that winning supporters was basically a sort of pissing contest. Sure, money invites more money, but that was just because the sponsors always tried to out beat each other.

 

Trying to get to know other people’s financial situation, a power play, that was all it was.

 

Jumin was already accustomed to this, his mask in perfect place as always.

 

“Mister Seonwoo, you know that I can’t talk about this as it is against our privacy policy. But maybe I can tell you about the organisation the money will be sent to?”

 

Mister Seonwoo only laughs. “Yes, yes of course. Please do. There is so much misery in this world that you never know where to start helping.”

 

Your mind starts trailing off as they talk, it is basically all about money. You very well knew that the Seonwoos weren’t really interested in saving the world and so did Jumin, but he was good at making people do what he wants them to, so you were sure he was able to handle the situation.

.

.

It was already noon when both parties finally came to something akin to a mutual understanding.

 

“Let us think about this. We need to make some calls to finalise our deal. How about some of our men show you the dining hall? We already ordered the staff to prepare lunch for you and would be so pleased if you could enjoy the time you wait until everything is fine and settled.”

 

Mister Seonwoo stood up, and so did Jumin. You try to catch your sister’s eyes, unsure of whether you should stand up as well. She nods, and you both stand up in the same minute. You both bow and leave the room together with Jumin.

 

As soon as they were out of sight, you start to breathe again.

 

“This went better than expected. Do you think they will keep their word?”

 

Your sister starts walking next to Jumin, and he seems to be startled by her boldness. Sure, he’s only ever met up with you, and you were everything but bold.

 

“This was only the beginning. It is always like that. They will say that their advisor stated that the sponsoring amount is too high and that we should rethink our plan. Then we will meet again and start talking again and so on and so forth. They will give in, eventually. The greediness to see their name being printed on our banner is too high to ignore for them. It always is.”

 

Rich people were scary; why did they need to make everything into a power play? Then again, when you were used to getting everything you want, life could become more than dull really quickly.

 

You pass by some giant family portraits and feel like you’re being watched. You can’t help but look up to the ceiling, half expecting it to be plastered with security cameras.

 

“D-do you think they are...Uhm watching us?” Why were you getting nervous all of a sudden? Your sister turns around to face you, this was a side she hasn’t yet seen of you, and you had secretly hoped for this to stay that way. But after all, this was inevitable with Jumin. Or influential men in general.

 

Jumin doesn’t turn around, not wanting to put even more pressure on you.

 

“Absolutely. I think there are cameras in about every room here.”

 

You had been thinking about using one of the guest bathrooms to release some of your tension, but that was definitely out of the question now.

 

You needed fresh air, or otherwise, you wouldn’t be able to keep even one bite inside your tummy.

 

“W-would you – “ 

 

“There is a little garden that is made for the staff through that door. It directly connects to the parking lot. Would you mind bringing me my second briefcase? I’ve prepared a little gift for the Seonwoos. I will need it after lunch.”

 

He still wasn’t looking at you, but you knew his antics by now. You knew that he was offering you a way out. Thinking about it, he probably left the briefcase inside the car on purpose from the beginning.

 

You quickly bow and start walking towards the door.

 

The garden had a smoking area and a stone bench underneath a tree. You turn around to see if someone was watching you and then finally sit down. That stupid collar of yours feels suffocating, and you open it to be able to breathe more comfortably.

 

The door opens again, and you gulp down a quick panic attack when you see the men in black from before.

 

They were five, and you were alone. Situations like always made you feel timid. Even more so when you were in an environment that you didn’t know. You know that you can’t run away because that would make them suspicious of you. And you did not want them to be taking even closer looks at you.

 

You are petrified in place, unable to move, so you just sit there and watch them as they pass some cigarettes between each other. They all take one, except for one. He just stands there, next to them, making himself invisible.

 

He has a big mole just underneath his right eye, his hair looks messy, and you notice his shirt being untidily buttoned up as if he couldn’t care less whether he looked professional or not.

 

You don’t know what exactly it is, besides his obvious disinterest of looks, that draws your attention to him, but once you’ve noticed him, you can’t look away.

He was calm. Eerily quiet. Not relaxed but more like the quietness before a storm. His eyes are empty and unfocused, his hands wandering towards the inner pocket of his suit.

 

Something rings familiar. Dangerously familiar. You know this kind of calm.

 

 

**Dead eyes looking back at you while you get into the car. He was quiet. Calm. Collected. Bringing his mental place into order. He was screaming it into your face without saying a word. Giving his suicidal plans away if you had only looked. Actually looked.**

 

 

The man suddenly laughs. They ask him what he found so funny, and he only shakes his head before becoming calm again. They just look at him but you know that he can’t see them, his mind is already somewhere far away.

 

_Stupid. This is all so stupid. So irrelevant. Nothing matters and they don’t even know it. They just can’t see it. It is all irrelevant and useless._

 

 

It is as if you can hear his thoughts.

 

Your hands start shaking. Think, what can you do?

 

Your brain starts to imagine how this could go down. They had probably firearms. If you just went up to them and told them that their colleague was trying to kill himself, what would happen? What would HE do? He might shoot himself right then. Or worse, he would kill you? That was if they believed you.

 

If they didn’t, they would drag you away. They might hurt you.

 

You’re glad that you’re sitting because you can’t feel your legs anymore. You’re sweating like a hooker in church.

 

 

What if… What if he was planning to take someone with him into death?

 

 

Shit. The Seonwoos. Why did he even come to work when he was about to kill himself? Because he wanted to make this a public display. Because he wanted to kill someone with him.

 

You get up beside your shaky legs and the sweat on your skin, helplessly setting one foot in front of the other.

You don’t dare to look at the men, but as soon as you move, you can feel their stares burning holes into the back of your blouse.

 

You know you’re behaving weird and they probably try to comprehend what is going on with you. Assessing you, trying to figure out if – ironically – you might be a potential danger.

 

Almost there, just a few more steps before you can reach the doorknob. Then you feel a big and stern hand on your shoulders.

 

 

 

“Excuse me, you don’t look too good. Why don’t you come over here and tell me what’s troubling you?”

 

The words are amicable, the intention behind them is not. You stop moving, unsure of how to proceed.

 

“Mam, please follow me.” You can’t let him take you away; absolutely not.

 

A second man comes up to you two. “Hyeon, she’s with Mister Han. I saw her this morning. We cannot question her without his consent, you know this.”

 

Hyeon is obviously annoyed but obeys the other man. They open the door for you, and you know that you are to follow them. Before the door closes completely, you dare to take one last look, seeing how a pair of dead eyes rests on you.

 

 

He knows. He knows that you know what he’s up to!

 

You suddenly stop, you can’t walk any further. It’s hard to breathe and you have to... You just have to…

You bend over and throw up.

 

Both men jump to the side to avoid stepping into vomit. You can hear them talking to you but it is no use, you can’t stand up, you can’t walk. You’re helpless and an idiot for thinking that you could handle this.

 

“What is going on here, explain yourself.” You hear a calm voice that your brain instantly recognises.

 

Jumin walks over to you but still can’t move even one muscle.

 

“Mister Han, Sir. I noticed her in the staff garden. She was behaving very unusual so we need to talk to her. I am sorry to trouble you, but after the incident last month we needed to up our security measures.”

 

To other people, Jumins voice stayed the same, but you were sure that you heard an angry undertone when he spoke.

 

“This won’t happen. She is sick and needs her medications. Can’t you tell the difference between a dangerous person and a highly asthmatic woman? Did you not notice that she had difficulties to breathe? Let go of her. Now.”

 

You’re somewhat relieved that his voice has the same effect on other people as it has on you, because both men let go of you without any complain. They even bow deeply and excuse themselves before they leave.

 

Jumin hesitates to touch you, you can feel it, but he does so eventually to help you stand back up again.

 

 

“Go home.”

 

It was an order. The first one, coming from him, you wouldn’t listen to.

 

“I – I ca-c-can’t. You n-n-need t-to listen t-to m-me!”

 

You look him straight into the eyes even though you’re starting to shake again. It surprises both of you.

 

“I-I-I…!” He grabs your shoulders and forces you to sit down while he sits down next to you.

 

“I don’t understand you. You are obviously troubled by just being here but refuse to go home. It is inconvenient for me to have you here when I know that it makes you…like this.”

 

You know. You know all that, but you HAVE to tell him about this security man. There won’t be any second chances for this.

There is only one way for you to get the words out.

 

_One…_

You manage to control your breathing.

 

_Two…_

You steady your shaking hands.

 

_Three…_

You inhale and exhale.

 

_Four…_

You turn to look at him and find out that he is already watching you. Observing like he always does. You are a mystery to him, a puzzle that he has yet to solve.

 

_Five…_

You fight down the urge to avert your eyes.

 

_Six…_

You clear your throat.

 

_Seven… you’re all set._

 

You can do this.

 

“Jumin. Listen to me. There is a man, he works for the security here. He has a huge mole under his right eye so he is easy to recognise. I watched him while I was outside and I think that he is about to kill at least one of the Seonwoos and himself in the process.”

 

 

Done.

As soon as the words are out, all your confidence is gone as well; where did you get it from, anyways?

 

 

Jumin proceeds to just look at you. Then he gets up.

 

 

“Alright. I will handle this. Stay here while I go and seek out the head of security and Mister Seonwoo. Or come with me, if you prefer that.”

 

He believes you. Just like this. As if your word was an absolute that he could trust blindly. He didn’t question you, he didn’t think you were crazy, he simply believes you.

This was… unexpected. And a tat insane.

 

He is already walking away when you get up and run after him.

“Y-you b-believe me? J-just l-l-like that?”

“Yes.” – conversation over.

 

You reach Mister Seonwoos office and are greeted by five suits. One of them belongs to Hyeon and then you spot the man with the mole.

 

Jumin notices him as well but doesn’t even bat an eyelash.

 

“It is good that everyone is gathered here already. I have an important matter to discuss.”

 

Mister Seonwoo gets up from his big chair and bows deeply into your direction. “I have heard of it already and want to use this chance to apologise for every inconvenience. I hope your Assistant is well.”

 

You bow back, again lost for words.

 

Jumin however, thanks god, is not.

 

“Thank you. We appreciate your words. But it is not what I meant. I am here to inform you of a potential attack coming out of your own rows. This man over there – “he points his fingers to the man with the mole. “Is being suspected to want to physically harm you and your wife. He needs to be arrested and taken care of.”

.

.

The whole room goes quiet. You could hear a sack of rice fall over.

 

“Excuse me?” Was all Mister Seonwoo was able to say.

 

“I know this is sudden und must seem highly unconventional to you, but it is true. He has been seen showing obvious signs.”

 

Hyeon turns to you and you feel all the eyes on the room slowly looking at you. But you, your eyes don’t leave the man with the mole for even a second.

 

While Jumin is still arguing with Mister Seonwoo, you see hell breaking lose inside the man in front of you.

 

The calmness disappearing with every passing second, then the change in his eyes. They are no longer dead but turning into an imperative decision. There was no turning back for him, it was now or never.

 

You know what is about to come. You brace yourself for the next second. The hand of the suspect twitches a little too aggressively toward his gun. Adrenalin kicks in. You know that you have neither the needed speed to reach Mister Seonwoo, nor the force to tackle The mole-man.

 

So you inhale and scream as if the world was on fire.

 

“WATCH OUT!” All eyes turn from you two, to the man with the gun in his hands. The next events happen so quickly that you’re not sure of who shoots first, but after less than a heartbeat you see the blood spilling out of the suspect’s arm and his gun falling to the ground with a dull _clonk_.

 

You watch the blood dripping to the floor, entranced by it. It is the first time you saw someone being shot and for a reason that only god knows, you can’t look away.

 

Someone grabs you and pushes you to the ground while you feel like the world around is slowing down and fading into the background.

.

.

You wake up with your sister hovering over you. She wears an expression you have never seen on her before. She wants to say something – anything at all, but everything that leaves her mouth turns to gibberish in your ear.

 

“I just had the weirdest dream.” And then you laugh. It is all so abstract, so insane. What did just happen? And where were you?

 

You notice the filigree wooden statues in the background behind her head and something very uncomfortable sinks down into your stomach: Realisation.

 

You replay the last moments before you passed out. Always turning back to the image of the endless stream of blood coming out of that man’s arm. Or was it yours?

 

Your frantically grab your limb to examine it for wounds. Nothing. Of course not. Your head was mixing up information. What was real?

 

Was your sister real? You grab her and pull her closer. She feels real. She is here and so are you. Your anchor.

 

“I- I!” tears are flowing and you want to push her away while also wanting to never let go of her again. You were so messed up!

 

 

The door opens and Jumin stares at you.

 

“You are awake. Good. Everything is taken care of, the situation is in control now and Mister Seonwoo already knows to whom he owes his life to. He also promised to donate a tenfold of the originally promised amount.”

 

Your sister glares at him. “Is this really what is important to you right now?”

 

“No, but it is nonetheless true. I already called Luciel since he is the only one that knows where you live. He will drive you home. Call me when you arrive.” Then he leaves.

 

You know your sister can’t see it, but you can; The little twitch of his eyes as he saw you, then the quickened breath. The iron man had been truly worried for you.


	19. Rhapsody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saeran is forced to take his old meds and the side effect don't sit well with him, while Zen's world falls into billion little pieces..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POV: Saeran, Zen  
> _________________

**Saeran**

 

His eyes needed some time to manually focus his blurry and narrow vision. He was greeted by the cold and all too bright white of a neon lamp above him.  Where the heck was he?

 

“He’s awake. You can speak to him, now.”

 

He knew that monotone voice, it belonged to one of the doctors that were in charge of the Happy-Liquid regulations, but why was he here?

 

Saeran tried to get up from the bed, but a pale and feminine hand held him back. “Sae Sae. You’re safe, don’t strain yourself too early.”

 

Worry was showing in her voice. Saeran didn’t know what or who brought him here and hearing her voice sounding so off, scared him.

 

“What happened?” he quickly covered his mouth, not expecting himself to sound so fragile.

 

“You collapsed. Again. I found you when I was on my way to the basement... Saeran, I heard about the change of medications. This is madness! Why were you doing that without talking to me first? This – This is… We only have each other, you know that. What would I do if I were to lose you?”

 

 

The guilt in his stomach makes him almost throw up. He has to use all his willpower to not drown himself in self-hate. Of course, he was the most important person to the Saviour, just as she was to him. How could he have been so reckless?

 

“I am so sorry… I just wanted to produce better results for you.” Every single attempt of his brain to justify his actions was completely in vain.

 

The doctor- thankfully –stirred the attention back to himself by clearing his throat with a loud “ahem.”

 

Saeran only stared at the man in white, having completely forgotten about his existence.

 

“The new liquid is still undergoing further testing. Seeing how Saeran reacts to it, it would be unwise to continue the medication with it. I strongly advise that we change back to the regular Happy-Liquid to avoid severe damage to his intestines.”

 

 

Changing back? But wouldn’t that mean….

 

 

> _Eyes as blue as the ocean on a stormy day; Her face being framed by long waves of brown silk and glittering amber._

 

 

“No! I'm all right, I can handle the side effects.”

 

The Saviour and the Doctor both looked at him with a look that said that he apparently couldn’t, and he knew that the discussion was over.

 

While he was given instructions regarding the new dosage, Saeran reverted back into his inner shell. He was aware that they meant only well, but they didn’t know what they were doing to him. To his brain. And knowing how critical his intervention would be, he left everything that was on his head, unsaid.

 

 

Only when the Saviour took the syringe and rolled up his sleeves to give him the first shot, he pleaded for her mercy with a silent mouth and screaming eyes...

.

.

Every step he made felt like he was walking on clouds. Like nothing in this whole fucked up world could get to him. He moved with the grace of a dancer through the building and stopped every now and then to marvel at his surroundings. He couldn’t recall when he had last seen such beautiful colours. They were all around him. He could feel them, taste them even if he only tried. He forgot why he had been so reluctant to change back to the original Happy-Liquid. That was until he entered his own room.

 

 

“Did you miss me?”

 

At first, she was a formless being that consisted of a dozen coloured clouds. With each movement in her direction, however, the clouds started to shapeshift until they formed a female body. Then a layer of skin grew over the body and soon after that followed the hair, nails and the eyes.

 

Saeran bit his lips. He wanted to walk up to her, but he was also becoming extremely anxious. Why was she here, anyway? Did he go to collect her, already? He didn’t remember but then again… everything inside his memories was mixed together and didn’t make too much sense.

 

“Saeran…” she batted her eyelashes and looked up to him with big and round eyes.

 

“I want you… I have been thinking about you all day. I was even afraid that you’ve left me. I was so scared! You promised me to come back.”

 

Leave her? How could he ever leave her…

 

He takes off his red shirt and starts unbuttoning his pants, and she embraces him with a hungry smile.

 

 

He reaches out to let the tips of his fingers trail down on her perfect skin before planting little kisses on her forehead, but as soon as his fingers touch the surface of her body – everything around them shifts. As if someone just changed the channel of their TV. There was no transition, no warping of their surroundings. Just…. A clean change of scenery.

 

 

With the change of the setting, his memories changed as well. There was no trace of the girl inside his head. Just… the sky.

 

Now, he was laying on the balcony right behind the mess. His pants were still unbuttoned, and the cool feeling around his torso was indicating that he was also still bare chested.

 

His fingers felt sore, the way they always do after an intense hacking session – so he supposed he had been doing just that, even if he couldn’t remember.

 

 

He also didn’t know how much time had passed since…. Since…

 

Memories come flashing back – out of any order.

 

 

 

 

The next thing he deliberately remembers is laying on his bed – crying. Although the reason why seems to be erased from his brain.

 

* * *

 

 

**Zen.**

 

He knew it as soon as he let Echo Girl run out of his apartment. Something terrible was about to happen. The way she had looked at him when she told him that she would destroy him, he knew that she would try to harm him. In whatever way possible.

 

He wasn’t able to sleep, and he desperately wanted to talk to somebody about the situation. Have someone calm him down, but he couldn’t bring himself to talk about it. He felt a pang of embarrassment as soon as he started typing on the messenger and thus let it be, altogether.

 

He was prepared for the bad news that his director would bring him early in this morning. He had read the twitter post by Echo Girl and the attached picture of her storming out of his door late at night. He didn’t know for sure about who took the picture, he just assumed that it had been one of his neighbours after witnessing her yelling last night.

 

He really was prepared, and still, it hurt so much worse than it did in his wildest imaginations.

 

“I am afraid that we cannot uphold the contract with you. Behaviour like this is inexcusable and does not fit our image as a serious agency. Good bye.”

 

Zen didn’t even try to justify himself. He thought about it for a second but then almost laughed at himself for the mere idea. Who on earth would believe him over her? She was an idol. She was so famous and everybody liked her, while he was a nobody. Just a rising musical actor that was in it for the fame and the girls. Nobody would believe him that he only acted because of his passion for this art. And nobody would believe him that it was Echo Girl that threw herself at him because she was a die-hard fan of his. He had a hard time believing this, himself.

 

As soon as the rather short and one-sided phone call ended, he took off his jacket and his boots and got back into his pyjamas. The world just ended, but at least he got to sit on his couch in his comfortable nightwear… hahaha… yes.

 

 

 

It was all over.

 

His phone rang again, and again, and again. His social media was blowing up, and he didn’t dare to turn on the TV.

 

They would hate him. They would ALL hate him. For something that never happened the way, it was portrayed. But ala, he also knew that nobody was asking for his opinion. Then a thought strikes him.

 

 

 

_His address was public._

 

What if… What if he opened the door and some fans of Echo Girl would stand in front of him. What if someone would beat him up? Or worse…

 

Zen noticed how he was rocking from side to side on his couch and was only able to stop this through wrapping his arms around his body. He was shaking and didn’t know how to stop. Didn’t know how to make this all stop. Echo Girl was so many leagues above him that even if he tried anything, he would never be able to reach her.

 

His phone rang again, but this time it was the ringtone of the RFA messenger app. He didn’t want to open it. He didn’t want to be confronted about this. Maybe it was all just a dream, and if he just ignored everything, it would go away?

 

 

…

 

It took him some more minutes before his hands eventually found their way to his smartphone and apathetically swiped over the screen to unlock it.

 

707:

???!!!???!

 

| 

   
  
---|---  
  
707:

What the hell???????!!!!!

 

Have you seen the news?

| 

   
  
 

Yoosung:

No, I haven’t but some dudes on campus were talking about Echo Girl and Zen and….. OMG

| 

   
  
 

Jaehee:

I am sure that those rumours are made up. We must have faith in our friend.

| 

   
  
 

707:

WE DO!

| 

   
  
 

707:

But right now that doesn’t matter at all, so many angry fans of her are posting and reblogging it, nobody cares whether it is actually true or not…

| 

   
  
 

| 

Zen:

Hahaha  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

Hahahahaha….  
  
 

You:

Zen, are you ok?

| 

   
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

Haha  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I’m so glad you’re all here  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I feel like the world just ended.  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

Please tell me this is a dream…. I don’t know what to do. I am so scared to even go outside right now.  
  
 

You:

You need to calm down. Don’t let the media get to you.

| 

   
  
 

Jaehee:

Yes. We believe in you, we know that you wouldn’t do something like that.

| 

   
  
 

707:

What did really happen? And who took that photo? Also, this late at night…

| 

   
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I met her yesterday over lunch because we wanted to celebrate our new project together. And she revealed to me that she once saw me in one of my plays when she wasn’t yet an idol.  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

But she was being really weird and possessive and something just didn’t feel right.  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

Then she visited me last night, already drunk. She… tried to seduce me.  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I said no and something inside of her just snapped.  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

She told me that she would ruin me and kept yelling at me. My neighbours must have heard.  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I’m not completely sure who took the photo. But it must have been either a neighbour, or her manager that seemed to have driven her to me.  
  
 

707:

Oh my god…

| 

   
  
 

You:

I’m so sorry something like this happened to you last night..

| 

   
  
 

You:

Seven, is there anything you can do?

| 

   
  
 

707:

I already hacked some social media account but it is to no use. At this rate, I’m rather powerless….

| 

   
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

Hahaha  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

Not even Seven can make this mess go away haha…  
  
 

You:

Zen…. Whatever you’re thinking, you’re not alone right now. Let us all think about this, together..

| 

   
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

Thank you for saying this.

Why do I hate myself so much right now?  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I don’t regret saying no to her.  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

But I still wanted to be up on stage with her. I was so selfish…  
  
 

707:

Don’t blame yourself… You’re not at fault here.

| 

   
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I should have never been on this contract.  
  
 

You:

Zen, it’s not a crime. You know, no actor would have turned this offer down.

| 

   
  
 

707:

That’s true.

You’ve worked so hard to get to this point. To want yourself to be seen, is not wrong. Taking that offer, or any other help, doesn’t mean that you’re less talented.

| 

   
  
 

You:

Seven is right.

| 

   
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

Thank you…  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I still can’t believe this.  
  
 

707:

Those are just news without any hard evidence. I’m sure it will be forgotten in a few days.

| 

   
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

If you search my name online, this will be the first thing to pop up.  
  
 

707:

But you can explain everything!

| 

   
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I’m just a lowly actor. I can’t beat that.  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

Reputation is everything to me.  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

God…  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I guess I have less fans now.  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I might not even be able to go on stage ever again.  
  
 

YourSister:

Zen, I think you’re too emotional right now. First… try to calm down and again, let’s all try to come up with a solution.

| 

   
  
 

707:

Yeah!

| 

   
  
 

707:

Absolutely right!!

| 

   
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

…  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I do think I need some time alone.  
  
 

707:

Yeah..

I don’t know if this will comfort you but..

| 

   
  
 

707:

Just know this, whatever will happen, the RFA will always stay the same with you.

 

| 

   
  
 

| 

                                                                Zen:

Thank you for saying that.  
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

I should go now and get some rest.  
  
 

707:

Ok… and don’t be so depressed, aight?

| 

   
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

Yeah…  
  
 

YourSister:

And tell us if something happens

| 

   
  
 

You:

Or if you want to talk in general

| 

   
  
 

Jaehee:

We’re here for you!

| 

   
  
 

| 

 

Zen:

Thank you. I’ll be off then  
  
_Zen left the chatroom_

| 

   
  
 

Zen was on his way to the fridge to see what he could live off for the next few days. Of course, there wasn’t much in his fridge since he usually didn’t eat at home. But there was beer. And beer sounded perfect for him.

 

The sharp opening sound of the can reminded him that this really was the reality now. He had wanted too much and was punished for his greed. He knew that the others told him that it wasn’t his fault and they probably even meant it. But it actually was his fault. He was in this situation, because all the decisions he had made in his life, led him here.

 

Another can of beer helps to flood down the disgusting taste of guilt inside his mouth. Then another one. And another one. He didn’t eat anything, and he didn’t get any sleep, but he was too emotional to honestly care about that. Or about the fact that he was getting pretty wasted in the middle of the day.

 

Should he have taken her up on her offer? Would this have changed something? He was behaving like this because he respected women and didn’t want to treat them like they were only objects of desire. He did the right thing. And still, he was punished for that? Where was the logic in this?

 

He was such a coward. Hiding inside this tiny apartment. Echo Girl made him that way. She had too much power over him.

 

_Then take that power from her. Don’t hide in here like a rat, someone who did something wrong. Go outside. Don’t let her control you. Show her your freedom_

 

Yes. He would show her.

 

He spots his motorcycle helmet on the counter and smirks at it. He would be as free as he could be.

 

Zen changed into his motorcycle attire and pushed the helmet over his uncombed hair. He would go for a ride, show the world that he would move on and be the winner. He might be drunk, but he could drive his bike in his sleep!

 

 

Nobody is standing outside his apartment, and he quickly makes his way to his vehicle. Without looking back, he climbs into the seat and starts the engine. There was nothing wrong with this. He would just drive to his usual spot and earn himself some room to breathe.

 

 

 

He didn’t see the wet spot on his side of the road as he was driving through a very curved slope. He didn’t see this and only felt too late that he was losing control of his motorcycle. He only felt how it slipped away under his body and then he found himself thrown into the air.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While crashing, Zen thinks about his past.
> 
> Saeran's condition gets worse with every minute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for not posting anything. I have been hospitalised and am just getting back into my routine. Sorry if my writing seems to be lacking, I feel like the past weeks took a lot of my creativity and my skills.. But nevertheless, I will try to get better again. It really helps that the outline was done long ago, so I don't forget where I was or where i intended to head towards with this Story. I love Saeran and MC just too much to not continue with this. I hope you understand. Again, sorry.  
> 

* * *

 

 

Zen

 

     They say that shortly before you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes. Like a movie, a special collection, carefully put together for you to see within those brief moments at the brink of death.

     They say that time slows down until every single moment, every throb of your heart, stretches into an unrecognizable sea of slickness.

     Zen’s whole body embraces the feeling of being up in the air. As soon as his motorcycle lost its grip on the ground and his feet left the secure metal frame of his vehicle, the nauseating thrill inside his chest clawed its way through his inside. Soon, he wasn’t able to tell where the physical border of his body separated his soul from the air around him. And to be honest, he couldn’t be more excited. The adrenalin and the pouncing thought of dying switched everything else in his brain to mute.  So this was it, then? He would die now as soon as his body hits the first thing in his way.  At least he wouldn’t have to live with the shame of a labeled molester and rapist. He was free. Like a bird. No. He WAS a bird right now. Out of an impulse, he stretches both his arms to imitate a pair of wings and turns his face towards the sky.

     All he can see is blue… Blue, as in the colour of the heavens; blue, as in the colour of a calm sea; blue as in the colour of your eyes; blue as in the colour of the royal _family…_ Family, what a strange word. Strands of fate mingled together and tied to a knot. Connected by blood. A sense of pride and unconditional love. Parents. Siblings.

     The image of his brother appears in the sky. The same set of red eyes that they both inherited from their mother. A big frown on his face, just like the last time he actually got to see his _hyeong._

_“What have you done, Hyun? Is this the prosperous life of an entertainer? You look more like a wild dog to me.”_

     Zen snickered. He was nothing more than a stupid dog…

     His mother nods in agreement. _“Do you know how much you have shamed us with your lifestyle? I’d rather have you being dead. That would be less of a shameful thing to try to explain to everyone and would lead to fewer questions about you. Your brother almost lost his job due to your frivolous life.”_

     He could already see his mother making up excuses as to why their second son wasn’t taking after his hyeong and became a lawyer or took over his father’s business.

     Zen’s snickering bursts into a mocking laughter. Oh, how his father would beat the shit out of him if he heard about the Echo Girl incident. The egocentric son ruined his very own family. The only way to save their faces was deleting him from the family register. As if that could sever any of their blood ties.

     He sees his father walking up to him with his right hand raised, his fist ready to make contact with Zen’s jawbone. The sudden loss of consciousness felt like an act of compassion that saved him from the image of his father ‘disciplining’ him.

.

.

.

     The first thing he notices is the bouquet of flowers right in his line of view. Hydrangeas and pansies were neatly bound and put into an expensive looking ceramic vase.  Next to it were a handful of “get well soon!” notes – all signed by the RFA members.

     “Zen! He’s awake! What to do! What to do!”

     He wanted to turn his head to see the face of RFA’s jester in distress. But _something_ – which better not be one of those ugly ass ruffs – was not being helpful for that matter. A quick jolt of pain shot through his spine but was soon cut off by the meds.

     He thought he died. He should have. It would have been….easier.

     “Seven. Please tell me that I’ve been in a coma for a couple years and nobody remembers what happened 2016.”  He giggles over his own jokes while feeling a small tear running down his cheek.

     He hears how Seven gets up from his chair but then stops abruptly and awkwardly sits down again.

     “Well…hahahaha... about that… sorry to disappoint, I guess?” he giggles nervously, and the atmosphere grows more and more uncomfortable with every minute.

     “I guess that was a bit much to hope for. ‘suppose this is the penalty for breaking so many hearts with my looks.” He laughs or cries – depending on who you’d ask.

     “Yeah… But you’ve been asleep for a whole day and a whole night.” So he had been in some sort of coma, then? Or had he been undergone some kind of surgery? He wanted to ask, but Seven kept on rambling.

 

     “We were lucky that there was an elderly couple coming back from their weekend trip since the road usually isn’t used much. The man did an excellent job with his first aid, and the ambulance was quick to respond. Jumin was the first to arrive here, and he already took care of the media, nobody knows that you got into an accident. For now. Jaehee and the twins came right after work but they had to leave early in the evening to help Jumin with the Christmas preparations, and Yoosung stayed the night and even stopped playing LOLOL to be here with you. I took over as soon as I finished my job for the agency - Honestly, Zen, what about ‘calm down and don’t do something stupid’ did you not understand? I didn’t think you’d be this reckless.”

     It was odd to hear Seven be this serious. Or no, odd wasn’t the right term. It was a FIRST.

     “The doctors are -  as always – amazed by your inhuman healing speed, so I don’t think you will have to worry too much about severe physical damage… But – “

     “But the Echo Girl incident is still as real as ever.” He can hear a quiet sound of agreement coming from Seven.

     A stretched sigh escapes his lips.

     “I suppose that almost every Korean social media account is hating on me right now.” Zen closes his eyes, attempting to shut the rest of the world out. That method had never worked for him, though.

     “No, not at all. Your fan club is still loyal towards you. They even defend you against Echo Girl fans, saying that nothing is proven and that this photo could mean anything. Jaehee even started a small campaign, and there are some people that have already joined her in it. And besides, the tripter bot I’ve made for you is still spamming the internet with positive images about you and trying to tell the world what a good guy you are.”

_Ah… I see… At least some people had his back then… And Seven even made a Tri- WAIT WHAT?_

     “Excuse me, what did you just say? About this Tripter thing?”

     Seven coughs in surprise. “Huh? A-Ah..You know, a tripter bot. Honestly, I should call you senior Zen from now on.” He laughs at the end. Good for him if he can find this funny.

     “I programmed it some time ago to spread your numerous selfies with the world and also to have more people know about you. The account has gained quite the popularity, and so did you.  Since I have full control over it, I will use it for counter attacks towards everyone that says something bad about you.”

 

 

> _The account gained quite the popularity, and so did you_.
> 
> _“Don’t be mad, Zen, but the recording of your singing…Uhm, I’ve sent it to literally everyone in Korea via mail. It was just too good and had to be shared with everyone!”_
> 
> _“Hello, is this ZEN? I happen to have seen your video and would like to cast you for our upcoming play- Please contact me as soon as you get this.”_

     It all started with… Seven. Seven. Seven.

     How could he have been so arrogant as to think that he owed anything to his meek talents? Yes, he could act, but so could millions of other people. What made him special? What made other people see him? ...How could he have been so blind? His fame, it was a product of Seven’s continuing efforts. SEVEN’s efforts. Zen was just a nobody that happened to be lucky enough to have someone like him in his life.

     “So what does that make me, then?” the bitterness of Zen’s voice left a lingering burn on his tongue.

     Turning his head, hurt, but he wanted to look into his friend’s face. Letting him know what he had done to him.

     “Seven. Everything I have, everything good that has been happening to me, it has all been because of you?” he can’t stop it, but now he really was crying. How… Unmanly and pathetic. Just like him.

     “Although I swore to myself to make it on my own, to turn down any kind of help – may it be financial or whatever – and only earn the fruits of my own labor! Goddamnit Seven why did you never ask me before doing what you’re doing?! Why did you let me believe that I owe my success to my own skills? How could you be so cruel to me?!”

     The door opened and a nurse asked in a hushed voice what was going on. Seven stood up and walked over to the door, reassuring her that everything was okay. The yellow hospital lighting made Seven look extremely tired and worn out. A splinter of regret pinched into Zen’s heart.

     He had always wished that… That he would be good enough to make it. And that he could be proud of what he had been able to achieve on his own. So that… So that his family might be proud of him, one day, as well… But now, could he actually claim any of his success?

     Seven was still standing next to the door frame as he spoke.

     “I’m so sorry… I am so sorry for not having asked you.” His eyes keep searching something on the walls, but after a deep breath he turns towards Zen and looks him straight into the eye.

     “I just thought that… You know, the work I’m doing for the agency, I can never claim it with my own name. Whatever I’m doing, I can only ever watch it unfold from behind the curtain. No matter how many disasters I avert, nobody will ever know that I even existed. But people like you, talented and good people, they deserve the spotlight. So I helped you get it -  the spotlight, I mean.”

     Zen didn’t say anything. What should he say to that? Should he feel sorry for him now?

     Seven clears his throat before speaking again.  

     “B –But! I only did that because of your talent. I only helped people seeing the hard work you’re doing. The crowd loves you because of you, because of your work… But you’re right. Just because I can never claim an identity for myself, I shouldn’t have forced you to claim one for you. I did it as a friend, though. Sorry.”

     Zen still didn’t answer. He didn’t want to.

     Even if what he said was true, it changed everything. And it made him feel hollow. How would he ever have the courage to face his family again? He would never be able to tell them that they were wrong about him, that he did it all on his own? Their black sheep indeed made it…

     The silence grew uncomfortable and was only broken by a quiet “I’m sorry” before Seven left the room. The soft sole of his shoes squeaking on the floor with every step. Until even that sound was gone.

 

* * *

 

Saeran

     Nothing made sense. He was in his room, holding his phone in his hand as if he had been speaking to someone with it. But the screen stayed black, even when he tried to unlock it. Odd. Maybe the battery died? Just what had he been doing this whole time up until now? Wait-was it night already?

     He scratches his head. Just where did he put his charger?

     He was aware of the fact that this was his own room, but he felt like a stranger invading someone else’s place, nevertheless. His phone died, and he couldn’t find his charger that was usually sitting right next to his bed.

.

_“Did you miss me?”_

     He gives up looking for the charging cable and rubs his temple. The display of his smartphone still seemed like a smooth, black mirror, yet hearing her voice was like receiving water on a hot and dry day to him. Especially today. The gaps in his memory were becoming worse, and so were his headaches. The only thing that kept him going was his dreams about her.

     He couldn’t concentrate. He couldn’t do ANYTHING without wondering what she was doing. Was she eating well? Was she sleeping? Was she thinking as much about him as he was thinking about her? Was she being a good girl, waiting for Christmas to come? Did she want to see him? He had to know! He had to know all of it! If it weren’t for the RFA, he would have already freed her from the apartment and her toxic twin-sister. Why was everyone keeping him away from her? What would he do if she would fall for their tricks and leave him behind?

     No, she wasn’t that kind of a person. She was good. And she apparently loved him as much as he loved her.

     He could take it. For her sake, he could take not seeing her until he got the ok from his Saviour. He had endured so much more in the past that he could definitely take it.

     The melodic piano piece that he had set up to be her ringtone made his heart jump.

     But she must miss him too, right? She would cry, all alone, wanting to see him. And wasn’t it just too cruel to let her cry alone? Couldn’t he just…

     He answered the call without thinking.

_“Don’t tell me that you didn’t miss me. Don’t you know how lonely this makes me feel?”_

     She was lonely without him. Of course, she was; their hearts were connected after all.

     “I know, you’re just too pretty when you cry… I miss you too. I miss you so much… SO much… It hurts. Today I accidentally coded your name into the files that I was writing because I keep thinking about you. About what you’re doing to my head. I hate it. I hate that I can’t stop it, but I just keep thinking about you. If it weren’t for this pig of a redhead, I would have hacked those stupid RFA servers already, and we could be together.”

     He heard her cries, and it broke his heart.

_“Saeran, take me with you. Take me to paradise. I want to be with you.”_

     He was afraid to hope, but he really wished she’d meant it.

     “You know that I can’t, yet. It would be… Disastrous… What to do… I want to see you so much!”

     There was a pause after that. He could hear her breathing. Why didn’t she speak? Did he annoy her? He did, right. Stupid. He shouldn’t have shown her how much he needed her.

_“Then come and see me. I want you to. Hack the Cameras inside this building. My sister will be there, too. But I will let you know that I see you. Watch out for my signs….of love.”_

.

.

     He heard nothing but the rhythm of his own typing.

     An itchy feeling right at the back of the head was reminding him of what he needed to code next. In the last few weeks, there had not been one instance in which he could concentrate this well. She was an angel. She must have known how much he was struggling without her.

     Letting him see her through the cameras, she was a genius! They would communicate. No one had to know. This would be their little secret. This would keep his mind sober enough to work. He didn’t have to worry anymore about her and about what she was doing. Giving up her privacy, just for him. Wasn’t she just too good to be true?

     He almost screamed when his side screen turned black and then showed the live stream of his beloved apartment.

     She was currently sitting on the couch with her smartphone, eagerly chatting with the RFA frauds. He got jealous. He worked his ass off for the last hours just to make this work, and she had nothing better to do than to chat with her “pretty boys”?

     Why was she so hurtful towards him? No… The Saviour already taught him that to feel happiness and love, one must endure the pain. Was that the case here? Did she make him suffer on purpose to let him feel her love and make him happy?

     Were…those… the signs of her love?

     They must be, right? Oh and how much she loved him…

     She stands up and walks into the bathroom.

     His phone rings with her melody.

 _“I hope you can see me by now.”_   She sounded wistful. Longing even.

      “Yes, although not right now. Did you hide yourself to talk to me?” He hears her shrieking a little. So he had caught her red handed?

     “I knew it. You are just too cute... Do you like me this much? I hope that you do. I like you, I really like you so much!” He can’t stop the words from coming, but she understood him. She always did.

     They kept talking through the whole night as he started to finally get some work done for his Saviour.

     And his smartphone screen still stayed black.


	21. Live what you preach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You become involved in the Echo Girl scandal yourself and Saeran decides to take matters into his own hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear reader,  
> I was originally planning to release the christmas chapter on Christmas Eve. But my body ald health thought it would be super duper fun to knock me out for several months. So yeah, cross that. To make up for it (even if just a little) I decided to give you an extra long chapter this time. This was supposed to be multiple chapters, but I think it is still okay like this. And besides, there are less chapters until the christmas episode like this. So it's a win-win, I guess? Anyhow, have fun with this, and I hope that you can enjoy this story even after the long abscence. 
> 
> Thank you so much and a happy new year!
> 
> __________________________________________________

**oO YOU Oo**

     You stared at the laptop screen with a blank and emotionless face, trying to process what was happening in this moment and tracking back all your steps from today to see where you went wrong.

     Your hair was still wet and dripping from the shower you took not long ago. You had to release so much stress and frustration that the geyser couldn’t catch up with its hot water.  Every time you thought that you could step out of the bathroom, Zen’s shocked face popped up inside your brain again and pushed you down the rabbit hole once more.

     Your hands glided between your legs, feeling the places where you scratched yourself bloody while showering. You felt embarrassed and guilty... god damn it, it hasn’t been this bad with you since you moved in with your sister.

     Tears you didn’t know still existed inside of you, rolled down your cheeks –even though you didn’t make a sound. No sob, no nothing. Just guilty silence as you reread the bold and ominous letters on the screen.

     The email was rather short, not exactly what you expected from a blackmail letter.  Only a subject with “another mouse in Zen`s trap?” and an attached series of pictures showing you rushing out of his apartment and him trying to hold you back.

 

     This was bad. As bad as it could get, regarding Zen`s situation right now. You rubbed the bridge of your nose, trying to get rid of the pressure that was underneath it. It annoyed you that your hunch from this morning proved itself right –and it annoyed you even more that it had to be you who fucked up, since you knew that with your mental constitution you were the weakest member of the chain, already.  And of course, on that note, came the angst. As always, it swept away every other feeling that was slowly building inside of your stomach, leaving only one option for you to cope with the situation.

 

     Counting.

 

     _One…._

     You forced yourself to sit in complete stillness

     _Two…_

     You forced your heart to slow down

     _Three…_

     You tried to think of the people that needed to know about this to help

     _Four…_

     You started looking for your phone. The red light for the webcam on top of the screen went on and off while you searched.

     _Five…_

     You swiped away the many missed calls from your sister and scrolled through your contacts until you found Seven`s number.

 

* * *

 

      “All set?”  

     You heard Seven’s voice through the speaker of your sister’s phone as you walked.

 

      “We have kimbap and snacks and fruits. So yeah, we’re as set as we could be.”  Your sister smiled while she talked to Luciel. He always made her smile, and you just knew that your sister was already starting to like him; A lot. Heck, he even managed to grow on you –although his overly silly act put you off sometimes.  You still felt like he was hiding something behind his mask of laughter and goofiness and you hoped that whatever it was, wouldn’t hurt your sister when she eventually found out about it. You wouldn’t know what to when that moment of truth came and who’s side you should take since both were part of your family as of now.

 

      “Roger that. Then you’re ready to take off! Call me if you need something, I’ll try to dig up some dirt on Echo Girl in the meantime.”

 

     He said it as if that was no big deal at all.

 

      “Will you really be alright? Doing all of this by yourself... I wish I could help you.” She pouted with her lips, and it is as if he could hear her do so.

 

      “Aw, don’t make me weak. Men like to show off their strength in front of cute girls. So don’t worry and let me show off a bit. Besides, I have Yoosung here, who already took quite a lot of the workload off my shoulders. Aaaand you and your sister are taking care of senior Zen, so I don’t have to worry about that. So plenty of help for me, don’t you think? “, he chuckled at the end, and your sister turned around to hide her blushing face from you. But who was she trying to fool, you still managed to see her bright and pink ear tips. _Yep, she definitely liked him already._

 

     They ended their call shortly before you arrived at Zen’s door.

 

      “So… They still haven’t made up, huh?” Your sister only shook her head in response. Nobody knew what had happened between those two, but ever since the accident both of them acted strangely. Zen even left the chatroom a few times as soon as Seven entered. On the other side, however, you could feel that Seven worried deeply about Zen, so you wished for them to make up as quickly as possible.

 

     Not only for their own sake but for your own sake as well. It made everyone nervous. Fighting was natural if you group people together that were as different and diverse as the RFA members. But at the end of the day, they all were like a big patchwork-family, and the chatroom felt more and more like a personal safe haven to you. You finally started to feel like you had a place to return to, after a long absence.  But with Zen only logging in sporadically over the past week (and only spitting into Sevens direction) and with Seven only trying to brush off the seriousness of the situation by making lame jokes that not even your sister could laugh over, your safe haven started to crumble and made you feel uncomfortable. You noticed how you were more and more reluctant to log in and chat with everyone –knowing that at any moment or any misstep, Zen could snap at you or Seven could be pushed into his uber-god-707 mode. The persona, which he only ever put on when he was deeply stressed out –although nobody but you seemed to notice that, and was almost unbearable to you.

 

But as much as you wished for them to stop acting this way, it was clear that whatever it was that was happening between those guys, could only be resolved by them and only them.

 

.

.

.

     You rang the doorbell three times before you could hear something moving inside. You heard steps and someone coming to the door. After some more artificially stretched seconds, the door opened with a rusty _clanking_ sound.

 

      “It’s you.” He forced a smile on his face, but his eyes betrayed his feelings. He may be a good actor, but he was too tired to care either way.

 

      “Yes. Did you know that the RFA has a special “Care-Codex” that calls for a weekly check-up by the newest member? Funny, don’t you think? –And pretty convenient, too. But, a codex is a codex, so we better make sure to abide by it. Can we come in?”  Your sister smiled back at him, although her own smile felt genuine.

 

      “Actually...” Zen's eyes wandered from the bag in her hands to your face, before sighing and stepping aside to let you and your sister pass through.

      You could smell the alcohol coming from his body as soon as you walked past him and started to wonder if this really was a good idea with you being you and him being like this. You weren’t the best in talking to males from face to face –let alone handle heavy mood swings when you had nowhere to run and release your tension in private. In all honesty, though, you wanted to help. You wanted to do something for him, even if it was only bringing fresh food and listening to him pitying himself. Also, what could go wrong, with your sister by your side, right?

      After walking through the small hallway, you reach the living room. His small apartment was cosy but also a bit dark because it was almost underground. And well, Zen’s state of total self-destruction didn’t spare his own premises. He was basically living in trash and dirty clothes… Still, seeing the living room and the little details here and there, you could already imagine him laying there in his pyjamas and practising his lines. It was a very modest apartment, even though you were sure that he could afford a more luxurious lifestyle with his rising fame. Seeing this and knowing that was somewhat endearing… And all the more reason to help him.

 

     You looked around some more and found the fridge, taking the white plastic bags from your sister and making your way through some empty beer cans and wine bottles.

 

      “Jesus… Zen.. What have you been living off since you got out of the hospital? I don’t think your stomach is happy with liquid food 24/7…” Your sister took out a new role of trash bags from her Rucksack and started collecting the empty cans in the room.

 

     Zen was obviously not happy with you two being here, to begin with, and only huffed annoyed at your sister’s comment. “I’m sorry I can’t be the prince in shining armor all the time to you ladies. Stop putting me on a pedestal like Jaehee. I am an outrageously beautiful Nobody that can’t do anything on his own.”

 

      “Like eating food that is made from actual eatable things like…food?” Your sister didn’t even stop collecting beer cans while talking.

 

      “Yeah, that too.” He kicked a bottle from his sofa and sat down, not even trying to help. Instead, he closed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. As if he tried to shut out the rest of the world, but judging by his strained expression, that didn’t seem to work out for him. It never did for you, as well, and you only shot him a short and understanding look from your corner of the small kitchen.

 

     Your sister continues to clean the apartment in silence, and when she walked over to start cleaning his bedroom, you decided that now was the time for you to have a talk with him. He was weak –he was not his shiny self. And even if it sounded unreasonable to most people, it was why you felt a little more at confident in talking to him face to face.

 

     You moved with quiet steps towards the couch and knelt down in front of him. He still had his eyes closed, and if it hadn’t been for his stressed-out facial expression, you could have believed that he had fallen asleep some time ago.

 

     With his lips forming a thin line and a frown between his eyebrows, he looked like an angry arc angel that was only taking a short break from his fight against countless hordes of demons.

 

      “For a Nobody, you have an extraordinary number of people that love and care for you…” his controlled breaths didn’t give away whether or not he had heard you.

 

      “But you don’t care for that right now, do you.”  Still no reaction.

 

      “You know, I get that you want to hide in here. Trust me, if there is one thing I get, it’s the feeling of having to hide from the world. Feeling like being as thin as a dry stick and being afraid that every wind from the outside could break you. It is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, hiding is a natural instinct. One that we are born with. And I know that hiding is comfortable… and easy.  You know what is easy, too? Missing the opportunity to step out of your cave and back into the light. Even a dry and thin stick needs the sunlight to grow and become stronger. But if that dry stick decides to stay in the cave forever, he will never get any sunlight again and will forever stay frail… Eventually, it will die off.” 

 

     The irony was so suffocating, it was ridiculous. You giving advice to someone about stepping out of their comfort zone and keep on fighting, when all you ever could do was lock every wave of emotion behind thick iron bars inside your heart. But he wasn’t you, and he must never become you. People like Zen needed the sunlight to breathe, and in the end, their will to survive and their dedication to growing again would always win over their dark thoughts. Sometimes all it took were some words that cut through their endlessly circling thoughts. Even if those words were empty when they came from someone like you.

 

     But he didn’t know and needn’t know the latter.

 

      “What I mean is that nothing will ever change if you stay here like this. If you keep on hiding in here, all it ever will do is giving the spotlight to Echo Girl. It is like you’re giving her your part of the stage to shine even brighter. That’s not like you. Not at all.”

 

      “Then maybe you just don’t know anything about me.” His voice was thick with spite and disdain which sent shivers down your spine.

 

     _Keep calm… this is not a fight…try to breathe…don’t get scared, this is Zen. He won’t hurt you._

 

     You tried to count inside your head but got interrupted by the stomping of your sister.

 

     _Not good–_

 

     The same moment she opened the bedroom door, you jerked back as if you had done something forbidden.

 

     Your sister assessed you with a lopsided grin on her face. “Geez, did I interrupt something?”

 

      “N-No!” You did your best to sound confident and get back up, but your sweaty palms slipped off the smooth surface of the coffee table and sent you backwards and down to the ground. Ass first, because of course. The loud _thud_ was only drowned out by your sister’s laughter. Even Zen peaked with one eye and grinned for the split of a second, before gliding back into his sleeping-beauty-mode.

 

     It was so silly, so insignificant, that in retrospective –even you found it pathetic that _this_ was what pushed your over the edge.

 

     Seeing your sister laugh at you and having felt Zen’s bitterness was too much for you to handle. Nobody saw it coming –but when you felt your violent little monster rampaging inside of your chest, you knew that you had to get out of this situation. Before they found out… Found out about your _issues_. How messed up you were. If you burst right here in front of them, you weren’t sure if you could repair the damage you would cause.

 

     You managed to get up eventually –your knees still feeling like rubber, and the look on your sisters face warps into worry.

 

     _She can’t look at you right now. She can’t see. You can absolutely not let her see you breaking apart._

 

      “Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?”  Her voice sounds foreign in your ears, the sound of your own blood rushing through your veins almost putting everything else on mute.

 

     _“It is nothing.”_ You want to say it. But you’re afraid that if you open your mouth now, all that would come out would be nothing but screams and curses. She was trying to come closer –you didn’t see it, but you heard her steps. Shit, if she touched you, it would be over. You knew yourself, you knew that you would hurt her if she tried to touch you now.

 

     Zen was getting up now of all times. That stupid bastard. Laying there all day, acting like he didn’t care and _now_ he had to get up? Or wasn’t it an act of care but actual curiosity? Did he just want to see what was going on with the freak?

 

     You grabbed your bag and rush outside, only to be followed by Zen who’s face was contorted by confusion and angst.

 

      “Hey…wait...”

 

     Of course, you didn’t wait.

 

      “I said stop!” He yells –you obey. That was who you were. Whatever instinct tried to keep you alive and well, your trained behavior would always win over it. You were pathetic without end.

 

      “I – I’m sorry!” He sounded out of breath, even though you only ran a few meters.

 

     You began shivering and sweating uncontrollably. You wanted to run. Standing still took everything you have and your body was already reacting to the stress.

 

     All you could do was stay like this and hope that he didn’t try to grab you in any way. Submit to his will. Do everything he said, as long as that kept his body away from yours.

 

     He grabbed your wrist and then there was nothing you could do to protect him, anymore. You turned around and slapped him so hard, even the neighbors must have heard how your hand had connected with his cheek.

 

     You were sorry. You didn’t want to be like this. You didn’t want to see the look on his face. You didn’t want to be here.

 

     He grabbed you even harder now, not knowing that he made it even worse.

 

     You panicked inside his arms and wrestled him with a force and violence that you never wanted to use again, to get free. Once you did, you ran away without daring to look back.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

**oO SAERAN Oo**

 

     He was cooling off his cheeks on his desk while staring at the wall and counting the stars at the corner of his eyes. His room got uncomfortably hot quite frequently because of the many computers that were running day and night and the lack of windows. That usually didn’t bother him too much, but whenever he took a new vial of the meds, he needed to lay his head down first if he didn’t want to throw up everywhere.

 

     He didn’t really understand it. Why was his body resisting the happy-liquid so much lately?

 

     Was it because his body wanted to punish him for thinking so much about you? It was true that he had so much to do, that even taking a ten-minute break was a waste of his time. And he hadn’t eaten a proper meal for days, so his headaches became stronger with every minute. But didn’t justify why nothing was going the way he’d liked it to. He needed to work. He needed to get work done. If he didn’t manage to cut through the RFA’s firewall soon, he wouldn’t know what the Savior would do.

 

     No – scratch that.

     He knew _exactly_ what she would do, and he didn’t like it one bit.

 

     She would take **you** from him as a punishment. She would send him back to the Re-Educators, and he would be forced to forget everything about you. As if that was really possible. You were rooted too deep inside his brain to be ripped out by anyone. And he sure knew what that meant. They would grind his brain again and again, and if he ever wanted to see the sky again, he would have to lie. He would have to act as if he had forgotten all about you. How you looked. How you smelled, how you felt…..

 

     His fingers twitched, and he thought about how it would feel to touch you with them. Your beautiful skin…Would you like it? Were you looking forward to it as much as him?

 

     The nausea he had felt from before started to fade into the background.

 

     Ah… in the end, you were forever his omnipotent healing potion. The mere thought of you was enough to battle against every pain he felt. And he had enough of that. Pain used to be his constant companion, but ever since he found you, he was finally able to see something else but his brothers’ face when he went to sleep. It was a small victory, but he took anything that was thrown his way.

 

     It was to no use, he had to see how you were doing.

 

     Guiltily closing the window that he had been working on for the past hour and moving the pile of papers to the side, he had enough space on his desk to get to work. Why did everything related to you make him feel so relaxed and whole though? He was sure that when the time came, and he could take you to paradise, it would always feel like this. Together, you would become happy. You would become happy here.

 

     If only he endured a little longer…

 

     The input mask of your start screen flashed on his monitor. He stopped for a moment and watched you unlocking your device. He knew your password –had memorized it by heart, but seeing you typing it in in real time, made him feel like you two had a secret together. He was sure that your stupid sister didn’t know your password. Only him and you knew it.

 

     Always and forever, only you and him…

 

     He had hacked your notebook a few days ago with a simple virus. He knew you wouldn’t be as stupid as to download another file that a random stranger sent to you, but after the incident with that Zen guy, you had been watching a lot of videos with his name in the subject line. So all he did was send a newsletter mail that supposedly came from one of your online subscription that said something about a link leading to a video in which Echo Girl talked about the incident.

 

     You had clicked the link, and as soon as you did, he phished every information about your laptop that he needed. DNS-Server, WLAN, IP address, everything. From there on, it got only easier. Once he had access to your interface, he installed his self-coded program, which secretly auto-started with every system boot without you noticing it. He could see what you saw, and he had access to your hard drive on which he only had to install another program that recorded everything your keyboard was typing. Soon he had every password to every account you ever had and used. Including your emails.

 

     He didn’t feel the need for guilt or shame. You already gave him your permission to hack the camera system of your apartment so you wouldn’t be against him having access to all your data, right?

 

     The little letter icon on your taskbar blinked, indicating that you had a new mail and you promptly opened it before his eyes.

 

.

.

.

     It was not what he had expected. At all.

 

     _Whore. Whore. Whore._

     His fingers were cramping around the computer mouse.

 

     You’ve let that bastard touch you. You’ve let him make you cry. You’ve slapped him, so you’ve touched his dirty cheeks with your hands.

 

     The spasms got stronger, and his field of vision became narrower. How could you!? How could he?

 

      “Filthy, filthy, filthy!” He choked the words out even though he didn’t want to. Even slapping himself and clasping his cramping fingers over his mouth to shut it, didn’t stop the words from coming out.

 

     You cheated on him. You cheated on him, and now you would leave him.

 

     _You need to break her.  Break her so much that she has no other place to go but to your side. Show her what her place is! Only then will you be happy with her here in paradise._

 

     He didn’t want to hurt you. But to feel love…..one must always endure the pain.

 

     _Endure… Endure… Endure…_

 

     It took an incredible amount of willpower to sit still and control his breathing. After the cramps died down, he started to type over his keyboard as fast as lightning. Opening your webcam in secret.

    

     He wanted to see the face of the cheater. He wanted to see whether or not you were ashamed of yourself.

 

     _Password? Check. Desktop view? Check. Camera? Check. Whore. Concentrate. Perseverance is key. Ghost mode? Check. Loading….. come on come on come on._

 

     He was sweating and had problems to gulp down his own saliva – feeling like he had to drown in it. He was scared, so terrified to see your face. And yet he had to… It was like a bloody accident where he couldn’t stop watching –even if he didn’t want to. What if you weren’t ashamed of your actions? What if you didn’t feel guilty? What if you were….liking those pictures and _him_?

 

     Right when he opened your webcam, he covered his own eyes with his hands….regretting the last minutes of furious typing and hacking. Until he heard your shivering breaths –your low and strangled noises; your hissed “fuck”.

 

     He needed one extra second to convince himself to open his eyes. And when he did, he found you staring right at the screen. Your eyes looked like you were far, far away and your shoulders were shaking. You were grinding your teeth, but other than that, you obviously forced yourself to sit still and stay quiet.

 

     You looked horrified in the one second and completely emotionless in the other. Your fingers were clawed around the edge of the table in front of you, and even though the quality of the video stream wasn’t the best, he was able to see the whites of your knuckles.

 

     He had seen this before. Those eyes. He was witnessing you have a fully fledged, internal panic attack.

 

     So you felt so guilty, huh? … You must know how much this betrayal would pain him.

 

     All the hate, all the anger he had a few minutes ago, evaporated like hot air. It hurt. Seeing you in pain hurt even more than being cheated on. It hurt him more than being in pain, himself.

 

     Out of an impulse, he stretched out his hand and touched the surface of his computer screens. Trying to feel you behind the glass. Trying to get to you and hold you tight and reassure you that he wouldn’t hate you now.

 

     He whimpered your name, again and again. Made calming sounds, as if to calm you both down. You were hurt. You were in pain, and thus, so was he.

 

     He would never make you feel so miserable if you were here with him.

 

     So what if you cheated on him? He could forget it. He could act as if it never happened. For you, he could do that. He could do anything, as long as you wouldn’t leave him.

 

     Then that silver-haired bastard’s face popped up into his head.

 

     It was his fault.

 

     It was HIM that threw you both into a frenzy. This was happening because of his fuck up with this shitty whore of a singer-girl.

 

     Saeran didn’t care too much for outside-world gossip, but because of his job here, he had to know everything regarding the RFA members. Of course that included the “Echo Girl” scandal that Zen was involved in.

 

     He had read the news to the Savior, and they both had laughed so hard. Served that narcissist right, to be crushed by that filthy woman. Saeran even went as far as to delete the call and message log between Echo Girl and her manager (not without making himself a copy on his own hard drive), which exposed their plot of using the pictures to destroy the handsome actor, if Luciel had found them.

 

     He didn’t care for the girl’s selfish and petty reasons since it served their overall purpose in destroying the RFA.

 

     _And you know what they say: the enemy of your enemy is your friend… as long as you keep yourself some leverage against them._

 

     Back in the present, he grew angry again. He wanted to see that asshole Zen burn. In hell. For eternity.  And so he would lean back and watch how those pictures made their way to the news central.

 

     Hell, he would even gladly deliver them there, himself.

 

     That was until he heard who she called right after seeing those photos. _Begging_ for help.

 

* * *

 

 

**oO ZEN Oo**

 

     Gosh, you slapped him sober alright. As soon as he regained his senses, he heard the low clicking noise of the photographer coming from his right side.

 

     _Fuck._

 

     Even though he knew that trying to hold onto you even tighter wouldn’t be the best idea, he had to do something to stop you and get you back inside. Back into safety; his cave, as you had called it.

 

     He gave _zero fucks_ whether or not you liked him at this moment. You could bite off his head as soon as he managed to drag you back into his living room. But no matter how hard he grabbed you, you always managed to wiggle and twist yourself loose. Seriously, were you a long-lost sister of Ruffy the pirate *? How did you manage to bend yourself into those positions without breaking one or two bones when this should be physically impossible to do?

 

     This was getting ridiculous. Or it would have if he hadn’t started to feel something else.

 

     Fear.

 

     Earthshaking, soul-devouring fear. You were like a wild animal. Squeaking and scratching to get free. He thought for a moment, that you even bit him, but had no time to check right now. What was this? Never in his life had he seen something like that.

 

     It only hit him when he finally managed to see your eyes.

 

     And when he did, he stopped himself immediately.

 

     Like a hound that got the order to stand still.

 

     With one heavy pull, you yanked yourself away from his body and ran into the darkness.

 

     And he let you. Because right there and then, he started to understand something. Something that he didn’t yet fully comprehend –No he couldn’t.

 

     What he saw inside your blue eyes, was fear. Earthshaking, soul-devouring fear. Those weren’t his feelings back then, they were yours.

 

     But if your feelings were so strong, that they pushed and spilled over to him, then what did he feel?

 

     The sudden loss of that high left him numb.

 

     His teeth were numb. His fingers were numb. His legs were numb. His shoulders were numb. So numb, he neither felt the blood dripping from his arms nor his shoulders hitting the doorframe on his way in.

 

     Your sister was walking towards him, a scared expression on her face when he sawed his bleeding arms.

 

     She wanted to say something, but Zen only rose his hand to silence her. He suddenly felt tired and old.

 

“There is a reporter outside, and he is targeting the front door. Get back into the living room, I will shut the curtains and get you a blanket. This is going to be a pyjama party.”

 

* * *

 

 

**oO YOU Oo**

 

      “I don’t get it. It was here, just a few minutes ago! Where is it?!”

 

     You scrolled through your inbox, but couldn’t find the threatening mail from before. The last mail in your folder was from yesterday, in which you corresponded with one of the potential party guests.

 

      “Ok, calm down. Did you delete it by chance? Don’t worry. If you did, it would still be inside your trash bin. Try looking there.”

 

     You did as he told you, but it wasn’t there as well.

 

      “Seven, I swear to god, it’s not there! How can it not be there?” You started to panic, not only because it wasn’t there _anymore_ , but because you were beginning to fear that it was never there, _to begin with._

 

     Did you have an episode? Were you so high from your guilt trip that you imagined getting that mail to subconsciously punish yourself for being such a lowlife?

 

     Fuck.

 

      “H- Hey…You know what, Sev-“

 

      “Ah, that’s interesting!” his excited voice cuts right through your pathetic try to end the call with some of your dignity left.

 

      “The log of your email server reports that it received a mail at 09:41 pm, which has to be your blackmail letter, right? But there is no email with that time stamp inside your inbox. Which means that either, you deliberately deleted it –which I don’t believe –or that it was deleted _by something…_ let’s see... Did that email have a link or something to it? It could be that it had a programmed virus in it, or some sort of self-destruct mechanism. Do you remember clicking on something?”

 

     Your thoughts stop spinning for a second. So you weren’t mad. Or at least, not _that_ insane. But _did_ you click on something? Suddenly you weren’t sure anymore. The pictures, were they attached directly to the mail, or did you click on a link to get them?

 

      “M-maybe? I don’t know…!” Your voice was a bit shaky, but Seven acted as if he didn’t hear it.

 

      “I see, so it could have been deleted by something. I’ll look into this. Leave it to me and try to calm down a bit. I’ll handle it.” 

 

     You may have gotten a bit paranoid here, but the way he said made it clear that he didn’t really believe this himself, but didn’t want to scare you even more than that.

 

     Yeah, _something_ deleted it.. _._ You wanted to believe this, too. But there was a small voice inside the back of your head that screamed at you. Rather than the question about the “ _what”_ could have deleted the mail from your personal inbox, you should be asking yourself about the “ _who”._  

 

* * *

 

 

 

**oO SAERAN Oo**

 

     Tracking back someone’s IP via his email wasn’t really hard. Just open the header and look for the sender’s IP address. You didn’t need to be a hacker to do this.

 

     What _did_ need some special finesse, was deciphering the IP address and connecting it to an exact real-world location. Thank god, Saeran had acquired that kind of finesse in his field of work. It only took him some brute-forcing through various firewalls and soon he could see where that little piece of shit lived that his biggest rival would never be able to track down.  Not after he deleted the mail from your email folder.

 

     After having the IP address, it was only a matter of time, until he had hacked into his server and made a blind copy of each and every mail that guy had ever sent and received. Seriously though, who was still using the password “123456789” for his work mail account? That guy deserved it to be hacked.

 

     Even more so, when Saeran discovered the folder titled “Echo Girl” and found a rather unambiguous conversation thread in which Echo Girl’s manager bribed him to make Zen his exclusive target. Well, truth to be told, he didn’t give a shit about that part. What did put him off, in the end, were the numerous pictures of you that were sent back and forth between those two.

 

     According to their conversation, this man was supposed to deliver the picture in an envelope to KBS at 03:30. Right in time to for the early morning news. Not only would Zen’s career be unquestionably over after that, but also would your wonderful face be revealed to the world.  

 

     That was, if those pictures ever made it to the editorial staff, of course.

 

     Saeran took a look at his computer watch.

 

     It was half-past eleven.

 

     What a wonderful time to use his leverage against his enemy’s enemy -and take a breezy stroll through Seoul’s nightlife.

 

* * *

 

 

 

**oO SO MIN-HYUN Oo**

 

     The cigarette tasted foul inside his mouth. He had officially stopped smoking two years ago, but because of his newly acquired acquaintance, his old and ugly habit finally caught up with him. He smoked, even though he didn’t like the taste of cigarettes and he let himself be bribed, even though he once swore to be an upright reporter.

 

     The latter was ages ago, though.

 

     What about now? Now he was sitting inside his newly bought car, his windows opened just enough so that he didn’t need to smell the disgusting smoke before he finally arrived at the glimmering stump of the cigarette filter. One more time checking the time, one more time checking the content of the brown and innocent looking envelop on the co-driver seat.

 

     He didn’t care if he destroyed other people’s life. Why would he? It was a disgusting world that we were living in. And why should he care about someone else’s fate, if no one cared whether or not he had enough food on his plate at the end of the month? He hated those goody-two-shoes- kinds of people that pretended that there was still a beacon of light in every dark corner. There was none. In his whole life, he had never found one.

   

     Once he was satisfied, he buttoned up his black winter coat and stepped out of his car.   

He hated winter. He hated the cold, he hated the early darkness, and he hated the mushy feeling of wet snow under his boots.

 

     What else he hated? Things he couldn’t influence –like neatly calculated time plans that changed last-minute. For example, when that stupid drunkard at the front-desk, that usually had the night shift, had drunk one too many drinks at the little pub in that hippie corner of the town and had to change shifts with one of those temporary workers that his agency picked up at the most random spots. Because they were all weird, and they always changed. So Min-Hyun hated changes, especially those he couldn’t foresee.

 

     If that brat’s manager hadn’t paid him such a ridiculous amount of money (part of which went straight into his mortgage), he would have turned around as soon as he saw the boy that was standing behind the counter.

 

     He was definitely one of the crazier kind. One of those that they could only employ because they took the agency’s minimum wage and worked at hours like this.

 

     He had extremely bright and damaged hair –supposedly bleached. His tips, however, were pinkish. He was wearing a mouth protection and was constantly sniffing. One closer inspection revealed his widened pupils.

 

     Tsk, what a punk. They even took junkies now.

 

     Something about him just didn’t ring right, so he decided to better give him the berth as much as possible.

 

      “Hey – uh, my name is So Min-Hyun. I am a freelancing reporter that is working for the early morning news here. I have an express delivery for the editorial.”

 

     Underneath the face mask, he could see the boy smiling. A bit too wide, a bit too friendly.

 

      “Oh, I know you do. Do you have it with you? The _delivery_ I mean.”

 

     Min-Hyun was too old to be nervous, but that boy did make him feel somewhat uncomfortable.

 

      “Yes, why else would I be speaking to you?” It came out a bit craggier than he intended it to.

 

     The boy dropped his smile, and his voice travelled down a few octaves. “Is that so? Am I not worthy to be talked to?”

 

     Min-Hyun wanted to say something, but that creepy smile appeared again before he could open his mouth.

 

      “Never mind. So, where is it?” the boy jammed his hand at him impatiently.

 

      “The delivery?”

 

      “Yes, yes.”

 

     Silence. That boy touched a nerve inside of him. One that he didn’t like to be touched. One that made him want to run.

 

     Putting his internal struggle aside, he only sighed and pulled the envelope out of his pocket. One last considerate look, and then he handed it over the counter –into the already open and waiting hand behind it.

 

 

     The boy’s hand felt cold as if he had come inside just recently. And every second that he lingered within that touch felt wrong. He was glad when he was able to pull his own hand back.

 

     _Business done._

 

     Min-Hyun only nodded as a goodbye and turned around to leave.

 

      “Mister – “, the cawing of the voice in his back halted him in his steps.

 

      “So Min-Hyun.”

 

      “So Min-Hyun, yes. What did you say, was the editorial office you work for?”

 

     The man turned around and found the boy wedeling with the important good in his hand.

 

      “Are you that stupid, or are you just a pervert?” that punk started grinning too wide, again.

 

      “I’m sorry?” Was all Min-Hyun was able to answer.

 

     The boy cackled quietly. “I need the name of your editorial office, to make sure the delivery goes where it is supposed to go.” He pinched his eyes and tilted his head, mimicking a friendly pose. Although nothing about his stance conveyed the image of a friendly person.

 

     So Min-Hyun hesitated. “Wake up, Seoul.” Then he turned around and left as soon as his feet carried him outside. Through the disgusting cold, the annoying darkness and the mushy feeling snow underneath his boots.

 

* * *

 

 

**oO YOU Oo**

 

      “Understood… But… will you be ok? You’re all alone right now…”

 

     Your sister’s voice sounded small. She was tiptoeing around the incident of this evening when you rushed home. She must have seen Zen’s arm, she must know that it was you that did this to him. What she didn’t know though, was how to handle the topic with you. She felt uncomfortable, and you were sure that she was trying hard not to corner you with her questions, knowing that this would get her exactly nowhere.

 

     You should kiss her feet for being such an angel. But right now, other things were more important. Her safety, for example.

 

      “Yes, of course, I will be ok. I don’t think that creep followed me home or anything. But you should do as Zen said since he could still lurk around his house. Stay the night, but make sure to text Seven as often as you can.” You were quite worried. But Zen wasn’t _that_ kind of guy, right?

 

      “Huh? Wh-why would I have to text Seven so much?” She sounded embarrassed, and even you had to grin for a second. Talking to her made everything less bad, and you were going to enjoy every second of it.

 

      “ _You know why_ , idiot. Don’t make him worry. You wouldn’t like it too much, if he stayed the night _alone_ at Jaehee’s house, right?” She wasn’t that dense, was she?

 

      “Why would Seven stay over at Jaehee’s house?” Your sister sounded sincerely confused. Poor thing.

 

     You sigh. “Why would you stay over at Zen’s house?”

 

      “….Well, point taken.. Maybe I wouldn’t like that _too much._ ”

 

     You snorted into the speaker. “Yeah right. Definitely wouldn’t like that _too much._ ”

 

     She cleared her throat _extra_ audible before speaking again. “So, do the others know, already?”

 

     She may have been done with the topic, but after all the stress, you weren’t done with teasing her. “What? About the email, or about you staying the night at Zen’s? _All alone. With only the two of you_.”  You wiggled with your eyebrows. As if she could hear that.

 

     Somehow, she did though. Must be one of those weird twin things.

 

      “Stop this weird eyebrow thing, you look like Kim Shin-Young when you do this. I mean the email thing, of course.”

 

      “Of course.”

 

      “That’s what I said.”

 

      “Never said you didn’t.”

 

      “Stop this.”

 

      “Stop what?”

 

      “Well, this!”

 

      “Whatever could you mean, dear sister?”

 

      “Stop talking like this, its creeeeeepy.”

 

      “Who is?”  


      “You are.”

 

      “You?”

 

      “You!”

 

      “That’s what I said?”

 

      “Argh! You know what? I’m done talking to you! If you’re in such a good mood, talk to someone else!”

 

     You heard her ranting into the background and started laughing for the first time today until you heard a male voice on the other side of the receiver.

 

      “Hello, this is _someone else._ ”

 

     The laughter got stuck in your throat, and you were so embarrassed that you didn’t get one word out. It wasn’t as if you had nothing to say to him, it was just that you didn’t know where to start. You didn’t know what was safe to talk about. You didn’t know how to apologize without giving your true self away. Without having to talk about the episodes, you tend to have. Without having to talk about _that._

 

      “I heard you were quite talkative just now, but I guess that you’re at a loss for words after hearing my breath-taking voice. You should know, I actually get that a lot. Huh…. What a curse to be born with not only good looks, but also such an enchanting voice hehe.” He giggles at the end, but his voice sounds hoarse. Strained.

 

     Nevertheless, it was a peace offering, and you were stupid if you didn’t take it. So you, too, should offer him a small portion of the truth.

 

      “Zen…I –“

 

      “It’s okay, really. Don’t sweat it. We all have our demons.” You wanted to take the way out that he offered you. You wanted to leave it at that –wanted to retreat back into your cave. But then you remembered what _you_ told _him_ just a few hours ago. And if anything, you should at least try to live what you preach.

 

     You know that you only have a very small window in which you’re able to talk about yourself before it would overwhelm you with full force, so you only took one deep breath and coughed out what you needed to say before your brain could catch up and stop you from it.

 

      “No, it’s not. Not at all. I hurt you, and you deserve to know why. I’m bad at talking about myself, I’m better at listening. You may have noticed that already. I’m not used to being around people too much, and a lot of things stress me out. Actually, so many things stress me out, it’s kinda funny. In a tragic way. But I-“, you felt your knees shivering. You were pacing through the apartment. When did you get up off the couch and started walking? Shit, this was bad, and you needed to sit down.

 

      “Stop.” Zen’s voice was calm but absolute. You didn’t know his voice could sound like this.

 

      “I don’t want to hear it if you’re not ready to say it. I get that you want to apologize, and I accept your apology…When you were fighting my touch, I saw how scared you were. For a second, I thought you even believed that I would kill you. And I’m sorry if this sounds weird, but I do know that I’m not that much of a monster. And I know that you don’t think _that low_ of me. So even though I don’t comprehend everything that happened inside of you, I do know that at this moment, it wasn’t me that you were scared of, but someone that touched you before me. Someone from your past. And since I know that much, I’m not angry with you. And I don’t want to hear some half-assed explanation from you now. I deserve more. I want to hear the full story. But I can wait. As long as it takes. And I can feel that now is not the time for you to tell me everything. So relax, take a deep breath, and let this knight right here shield you from your worries. Oh – and about your sister, don’t worry. I may be a man, but my beast is sound asleep. Trust me.”

 

     You were alone inside an apartment that belonged to a dead girl, being comforted by a rising star over the phone that belonged to an organization that took you in when you had no one in this world. Who would have thought that life would throw such a crazy family into your arms? Who would have thought that you could learn to love such a colorful bunch of people like the RFA this much?

 

      “Hey, are you crying, sweetie? Oh no, I made a cute girl like you cry!” yes, you were shocked. You were speechless –moved even, but you weren’t crying. You would never let someone hear you cry, but he didn’t know that. He didn’t need to know that, yet.

 

      “Omo*! Mom! Mom, there is a creep on the phone that is making me cringe!” You yelled into the void.

 

      “Oh? You think that was cringe-worthy? Wait until you get a boyfriend, he will tell you all kind of cringy things! Ah, wait – forget what I said. Don’t get a boyfriend. Never ever get a boyfriend.” You swear you could hear him pout at the end.

 

      “Why? You wouldn’t like it?”

 

      “That’s true, I wouldn’t. You know, all men are beasts. –Except for me, of course.”

 

      “Of course.”

 

      “Yeah, if anything, I’m more like a big brother. That’s it, I’m your big brother from now on. You can call me _Oppa_ * from now on. Because I’m your big brother and all… You know?”

 

     You didn’t know. “Huuh? _Big Brother*_? Like this?”

 

     He was still pouting. “No, not like this. Say it more like this: _Oppa!”_

 

      “Oppa?” you tried again.

 

      “No, _Oppa_!” he was still not satisfied. It might be because Korean was technically your mother tongue, but since you’ve spent almost all your life abroad, you weren’t able to hear the difference between your and his’ pronunciation.

 

      “Oppa?”

 

      “No!! _Oppa Oppa Oppa!”_ he whined into the speaker.

 

      “ _Oppa!”_ You got it right this time, you were sure of it.

 

      “…..One second thought, never say that to me again. Ever. I don’t know what I’ll do when you do this again.”

 

     Zen was seemingly grossed out while your head was only filled with question marks. But before you could ask more questions, you heard a loud _smack_ followed by a rustling sound.

 

      “Ok, that’s it. Don’t make my sister say weird stuff like this, you pervert. Especially not when you’re blushing like this, idiot! Seriously, I only went to the bathroom, and _this_ happens. **Hey** , are you okay? He didn’t make you say other weird things, right?”

 

     They kept bickering some more, and you didn’t get a thing they were talking about. Even so, you couldn’t stop laughing when he called your sister _so not cute_ and she countered with _narcissistic creep_ , which made him inhale so sharply that you knew immediately who had won that round.

 

     Yes, your family was weird, but it was yours.

 

* * *

 

 

**oO SAERAN Oo**

 

     So Min-Hyun’s house was inside a dead end. It was quiet here, not many people passed by here. Something Searan liked. A lot.

 

     He got inside the house through a half-open window on the balcony. A lot of people thought that just because it wasn’t the ground floor, they could simply leave their windows and doors unlocked. Little did they know that people like him didn’t care about heights.

 

     Once inside, he tried to look for security cameras, but as expected –after seeing what kind of person Son Min-Hyun was –that guy didn’t think much of technical devices. (Saeran was still not over the lack of creativity regarding So Min’s password) After that was taken care of, he searched for the kitchen. He didn’t eat today and was rather hungry. Just when he was about to open a vanilla pudding from the fridge, he heard So Min’s car pulling up the driveway. What amazing timing that guy had. Not.

 

     Feeling somewhat angry and annoyed, Saeran left the pudding on the counter and silently moved into the living room, where he waited for his unsuspecting prey.

 

     So Min-Hyun sure did take his time to get inside. Honestly, what was that prick doing outside? Then he heard his voice coming from the front door.

 

      “No, no, don’t worry. It’s done. After this morning, nobody would ever think about hiring that guy again. Your little protégé will get all the pity and will rise to even more fame for fighting against her molester…What? Yeah, yeah. I got the girl good, trust me. Scared her pretty well… If she’s not insane, she will keep her distance from him. Yeah, tell Echo Girl that. Alright, gotta go. Don’t call me, ever again.”

 

     He hung up the phone and took off his heavy coat and his wet boots. Saeran could see his shadow moving around in the hallway until he finally reached for the light switch inside the living room.

 

      “No need to turn on the light. I somehow like it if it’s only indirectly lit. I’ve read in some interior design magazine that it makes a room feel cosy. I agree, how about you?”

 

     So Min-Hyun didn’t turn around. Was it because he couldn’t move, or because he didn’t feel the need to look him in the eye. If it were the latter, it would seriously piss him off. He hated it when people thought they were above him.

 

      “Oh look, a living statue. Haven’t seen one in a while. Now. Why don’t you turn around to face me, hmm?” He smiled when he saw the older man’s muscle twitch at his words. _This one_ didn’t like to be talked to this way, huh?

 

      “I said, turn around, hm? So, why don’t you? I asked you _really_ nicely right now, don’t you think? What… you don’t like me being nice? Should I be _not so nice_ to you? Would you prefer that, hm?” The rubber of his biker boots made a dabbing noise as he walked over to So Min.

 

      “Turn around, you filthy piece of shit. I want to show you something.” He hissed every word. God, this man ticked him off just by breathing the same air as him.

 

     Finally, So Min-Hyun moved. Slowly, ever so slowly, inch per inch. Until he faced the younger man directly. His face marked with pure resignation for what was about to come.

 

      “Good boy. That’s better, right? So now back to business. I came across some really interesting information today, you know? While I was working, I found out about what you did, you little rascal.” He smiled at the reporter, taking in every second of this situation. He had the upper hand, and he knew it. So Min was probably calculating his chances to fight him, but even he must very well know that even if he outclassed Saeran in weight, he definitely was outclassed _by him_ in madness and unpredictability.

 

      “Are you….Are you a fan of that actor?”

 

     Saeran was impressed, the _thing_ could talk, after all. Even if it was mere nonsense.

 

      “Me? A fan of that creature?” he laughed without any joy in his voice.

 

      “No, not in the slightest. No no no, that’s not it. But I’m generous today. So I will tell you exactly why I’m here. Let’s see, let’s see, let’s see... This girl here, do you know her?”  He pulled out the pictures that he retrieved from the brown envelop not too long ago and showed them to So Min.

 

      “I- I don’t understand? This is because of _her?_ ” did he hear confusion in his voice? Was that guy trying to mock him?

 

      “ _I got the girl good, trust me. Scared her pretty well_ ”,  Saeran mimicked him from before.

 

      “Oh and how well you scared her. So much that she was having a meltdown. She even called that red-headed bastard for help! That’s how well you scared her! Mission accomplished! Bravo!” He applauded him in pure scorn.

 

     What had been confusion a few seconds before for So Min, turned into anger now: “What the fuck is wrong with you?! You better leave now! I have a deal with Echo Girl’s manager. If I don’t call her back in a few minutes, she will call the police. It’s part of our contract!”

 

     Saeran shook his head. Pathetic. “You know, So Min-Hyu, I don’t like it when people lie. I always know when they do. And you, my friend, just lied.”

 

     So Min tried to act stern. “Why would I lie?! I mean it, start running if you don’t want to alarm the cops! This is for your own good”

 

     Saeran rolled his eyes at So Min. “Eeeeh, again. A lie. You’re starting to piss me off right here.”

 

      “And why would I care for that?”

 

     Saeran laughed. Wholeheartedly this time. “ _Why would I care,_ he says. Yeah, I’ll tell you why. Because I do _this_ to people that lie.”

 

     His punch hit his target hard. The older man collapsed like a sandcastle from just one hit.

 

     Saeran smiled while he caught the falling man in his arms. “You see, lying hurts us both, right? So stop it.”

 

     He could hear muffled cries in his shoulders. “There, there. Don’t cry. We must endure pain to feel happiness. After every low comes a high. My savior taught me that.”

 

      “Please don’t do this. I have money, I have kids –“, another punch.

 

      “I said, _DON’T LIE!_ You don’t have kids, and I don’t care for money! I. HATE. FUCKING. LIARS!”  He punched him at every word.

 

     Somewhere along the lines, So Min had lost his conscience and was laying like a sack of rice on the floor.

 

     Saeran could stop now. He thought about it for a second. But just as he wanted to leave, he almost stumbled over the pictures of you that were scattered across the floor right next to him.

 

     That swine hurt you. He hurt you, and he would do it again to other people. He was trying to take you away from him.

 

     The anger inside of him became a rage, and the rage became raving madness.

 

     Saeran jumped on So Min’s chest and continued punching his face.

 

“You. Fucking. Fucker! You bastard! You can’t take her from me! I won’t let you! I won’t let anyone hurt her! I will take all the pain from her! I will lead her to paradise, and you can’t stop me from that!!”

 

     So Min-Hyun’s face turned into the face of the Savior. It stopped him. Had he hurt the Savior? Had he…”Oh…Oh no, oh nononononono no! Savior! Are you okay? Are you hurt somewhere? Hargh!” 

 

     He took a look at his bloody hands and could already feel the tears rushing down his face. What in the world had he done?

 

     The ringing of his phone was what brought him back to the present. He looked down one more time, to find So Minn-Hyun, a middle-aged Bachelor that destroyed lives for money, with a bleeding face laying underneath him.

 

     His phone rang again.

 

     And again.

 

     And again.

 

     Why won’t it stop?

 

     After what seemed like an eternity, he remembered how to answer a phone and was greeted by the sweet voice of his Savior.

 

      “Sae Saeeeee~ What are you doing right now?”

 

     He forced himself to smile. Would she be angry if she knew what he did? Would she try to take you away from him, as well? He didn’t know if he could trust her with the truth right now.

 

      “A present. I’m bringing you a present.” He laughed. This could work.

 

      “Oh? And here I was, thinking you sneaked out to get _that girl_ …”

 

      “I would not. Not without your consent. You know that!”  That wasn’t a lie, at least.

 

      “I’m so glad to hear that. I know you wouldn’t hurt me like this… Besides, you know that I promised you that you could bring her _as soon as you break through their firewall_ , right? So no need to rush it.”

 

     Again, a forced smile. “Yes, no need to rush it at all, my dear Savior.”

 

     She purred into his ear, making him blush. “Good, good. Now what kind of present are you bringing me, Sae Sae?”

 

      “I’m bringing you the man that destroyed one of the RFA guys. Thanks to him, breaking Zen will be a piece of cake. He deserves _special treatment_ for that, right?” Saeran didn’t like bringing him into his sacred paradise. But he knew that the Savior would save him. And if she could forgive his sins, he couldn’t put himself above that, right? He would make him one of the lesser believers. He would make sure he never had to see his face again. Maybe he would make him wear a mask? Oh, so many ideas started popping up.

 

      “Oh, my hardworking Sae Sae. Yes, you did well. He deserves a spot in our paradise for that. I will send someone to pick you both up right now. See you soon ~”

 

     The phone call ended, and he was finally able to stop smiling.

 

 

Lying was exhausting. Lying was wrong, he knew that. But if this kept you safe for just a while longer, he would succumb to lying. Until he could come and get you. Until you both could be happy together.

 

     While waiting for someone to come and get him, he scanned the room and collected the pictures of you that weren’t soaked in blood. The rest he threw into the bin in the kitchen. Where he saw the unopened Vanilla pudding from before. Now _that_ really did put a smile on his face. He was so, so hungry after all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Ruffy the Pirate is a character from One Piece
> 
> *Omo is a Korean way of saying "Oh god", or "oh dear"
> 
> *Oppa is basically something you say to an older male but can ONLY be used by a younger female, and its a must between siblings. Nowadays it is also used as a cute way to refer to your older boyfriend when you talk to him. 
> 
> *See the comment above. She thinks that she should simply call him "big brother" because she doesn't say it in that cute nasal way, that younger female koreans use. (it actually sounds a bit demanding when you say it right, like Oppa, buy me this!) that is why she needs several trys to get it juust right. When she does, Zen is so embarrassed (because as mentioned before, it is also used by lovers) that it's too much for his poor heart.


	22. Honeysuckle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It hit you all at once. 
> 
> You were nothing but a severely underpowered side character in her own story, not knowing what she pitted herself against. It made you feel vulnerable and exposed. As if you were back to continually running and hiding. Like the scared little girl that you were, hiding from your father.
> 
> ______________

 

**oO YOU Oo**

 

          “So Min Hyun, a reporter for one of Korea’s greatest broadcasting central, has apparently been working together with Echo Girls manager – who had previously released a statement that the rising musical singer Zen harassed her - to frame the male actor and end his career. This night, someone anonymously submitted evidence, that puts the reporter in hot waters. The evidence contained emails, Text messages and even pictures with instructions of where the actor lived and when he should take the photographs that have been wandering through the internet ever since. Apparently, Echo Girl was rejected by the actor and couldn’t take no for an answer. After having this incident dismantled, her career will be the one that’s going to be over, and there is even a rumour about Zen filing a case against her. We will keep you updated. Thank you for watching our program, this is Eunho Kang, and you’ve been watching….”

 

          The office inside the C&R building was quiet. Jaehee was the first one to speak again.

 

           “Mister Han, you may see now, why I found it relevant to barge into your training session. I think you should call one of your lawyers to aid Zen if he does want to file a case against her.”

 

          You were still holding Jaehee’s with your palms while both Jumin and her kept making arrangements. The internet was full of articles regarding the news, already. You didn’t see the face of the stalker, last night, but you were sure that this reporter had been the one taking the pictures of you. And if he was, he had also been the one to send the E-Mail… Did he hand himself in? Unlikely… Then who submitted the evidence? Seven said he would take care of this, but he just told you that he couldn’t find anything noteworthy. He even told you, that your hard drive had been manipulated. Which meant that someone managed to bypass his security net. Everything was pointing towards the hacker, and for a moment, you had expected Seven to ask you about him. But then he had laughed it off like he always did when he had no evidence and tried to keep up his agent 707 role, but you’ve long seen past his behaviour and only answered to his laughter with silence.

 

           “What do you think? Shall we continue?” it took a few seconds to comprehend Jumin’s words, and you found your eyes only slowly focusing on his face again. Right. You were inside the C&R building together with the corporate heir and his chief assistant. You adjusted your poor posture and only hoped that this sentence had been their first attempt to include you back into their conversation.

 

           “I uhm.. yes. What?” there were a thousand thoughts inside your head right now, and you wished that you were everywhere but here. You couldn’t focus on learning hangul, anymore, but were afraid to admit it.

 

           “I understand that this must be shocking to you, especially after last night... Maybe I should have waited until after your class?” Jaehee’s voice sounded a bit uncertain, the effects of last night were still visible on her face. You bet that she didn’t sleep for one second after hearing that your sister had spent the night at Zen’s place. When they both told the rest of the RFA on the messenger, everyone went crazy. Jaehee even offered to come over, and it took a lot of talking to her, to finally make her understand that another woman arriving at his house –with the reporter assumingly still lurking in the shadows- wasn’t the greatest idea. Everyone was quite worried, even when Zen stated that they slept in different rooms. Seven had spammed the chatroom with thousands of lolol’s and other jokes, but it was clear to you that he was just hysteric out of shock (and possibly jelousy). The only one that was unusually calm –besides you – was Jumin. He was able to see the practical side of Zen’s decision to keep your sister at his place and even defended him. Much to Zen’s displeasure.

 

           Back in the present, Jumin only nodded in Jaehee’s direction. “No, you did well. We were almost done, anyway. Now excuse us, I’d like to speak about the remaining exercises for today.”

 

          With that, Jaehee bowed deeply and excused herself.

 

           Jumin handed you another spreadsheet with exercises, and you two continued your lesson as if nothing had happened. But you just couldn’t put your head in it, like you usually did and soon found yourself being lectured by Jumin. When he was done, he only sighed before talking again. “I would like to know what you’re thinking.” It wasn’t a question; it was an order to speak.

 

           “Huh? W-why?” as much as you tried to keep your voice steady, it was no use against his absolute voice. He gifted you with a raise of his brows. You had been trying to work on your speaking habits towards Jumin; in fact, he had been helping you with it. Ever since the shooting incident, he went to extreme lengths to train you to speak more freely –even in tense situations. And you had been making progress. You stuttered less and were able to lock your eyes with him from time to time. But today was…weird… in many ways.

 

           “Well, you usually provide a unique insight into everything that is happening directly around us. And seeing how this seems to throw you off, it would be unwise to not listen to what you think.” You were nodding, but refused to speak. You had to get your thoughts into order before you could ask the right questions –and boy were there many questions inside your head right now. Jumin usually hated things that were out of the norm; out of his understanding –but here you were, your whole character being nothing but an interruption of his tightly planned schedule, and yet he found the time and effort to be patient with you willingly. Always.

 

           “I just think that the timing is a bit too perfect. Yesterday I…. You know about the person that took a picture of me at Zen’s house, last night? The reason why my sister stayed there. Well, Seven must have already told you about the strange Email that I got afterwards… It’s just… I have this feeling that this revelation is somewhat connected to….something that I don’t understand yet. Do we know that this person that released the info wasn’t someone from us? I mean, Seven could have gotten that information, right?” something was off. Seven would have told you if he took care of it.

 

          Jumin thought for a moment before he pulled out his phone and dialed Seven’s number.

 

 

           “Luciel, hello. I received the news that someone submitted evidence of an ongoing conspiracy against Zen. Were you the one who retrieved that information? ...Understood. Thank you.” He hung up and turned towards you again.

 

          His neutral expression didn’t reveal what he was thinking at all, but you were sure that the answer wasn’t what you had been hoping it was...

 

           “It wasn’t him. Is that all?” He probably already knew that it wasn’t, but when you nodded, he left it at that. For now.

 

          So it wasn’t Seven...   which left only…

 

          Your teeth tingled, just the way they did yesterday evening, but you only took the pen that was laying next to you and continued filling out the text boxes.

.

.

.

          That funny feeling didn’t leave you even after your lesson had ended. You didn’t know why, but you couldn’t be wholly relieved that everything about this blackmail thing had been taken care of by itself. There just were too many loose ends for you to relax. You still didn’t know who had deleted the E-Mail from your inbox, and if it wasn’t Seven….then that only left one option, right?

 

          You doubted that it was this reporter guy. What motivation should he have after threatening you…Regret? Someone like him wouldn’t feel regret after sending such a mail. Of course it could be a fan of Zen. Someone that was as good with computers as Seven. But seriously, what were the odds? The timing was just... off.

 

          When you arrived at the corner café that you always went into to get the usual cup of hot chocolate, you couldn’t help but stare at the computers on the tables. Since Seven’s light remarks about it being someone that had wiggled itself past his heavy cyber blockades, he would surely monitor you. More than he did before. But…

 

          You could ask him.

 

          Should you… ask him?

 

          Would he want you to ask him?

 

          Not only didn’t you ask for help, but the fact that he could have helped you even without you asking him to would mean… That he had access to your computer, right? A fact that was unnerving, and for a moment you caught yourself wishing that it was the redhead. But if it wasn’t Seven, it had to have been Unknown, right?

 

 

          You remembered the odd feeling that you had last night, as soon as you noticed that the email had been deleted. Something inside of you had already been screaming Unknowns name, even if you didn’t want to be honest with yourself, then.

 

          You pulled out your phone and looked for a text message from Unknown. Nothing. Usually, whenever he did something for you, he would let you know. He would make sure to remind you of the inevitable debt that you had to pay off, one day. 

 

          The eerie quietness, however, felt like the calm before the storm.

 

          Your fingers hovered over the digital keyboard. The hacker would be annoyed if you texted him out of the blue, wouldn’t he? And since your phone call back then, he hadn’t even tried to contact you on his own –except for the flyer that he had placed on your sister’s car. The one that had let you know that he would come to see you in person on Christmas.

 

          But if it had been him and he didn’t say anything, he would be even more annoyed if you didn’t thank him on your own accord, right?

 

         This was so, so uncomfortable. Like having a toothache but at the same time being afraid of the dentist. You knew that you couldn’t do nothing, but whatever you did, could end in pain. If it was Unknown, then it was about time to report to Seven. But… Somehow you felt like whatever secrets surrounded the RFA that made them a target for the hacker, did more or less involve RFA’s hacker. It was safer to keep your secrets for a while until you were able to see the whole picture. Until you knew why you were made to join the RFA, in the first place.

 

           Your fingers started typing and then deleting and then typing again, inside the messenger app. After Unknown had deleted your whole conversations on it, you were presented with a blank message field. It only made being the first to text again, more awkward.

 

 

 

           “Hello, I saw the news... I’m so grateful…Thank you.” It was simple, but would it be enough? You wanted to delete the message again and start over.

 

          Someone touched your shoulder from behind, and you jerked around in shock, accidentally pressing “send” as you did.  You were halfway expecting to see Unknown but were even more baffled when it’s your sister that was staring at you.

 

           “Oh – Sorry! Are you okay? I thought I’d pick you up at Jumin’s office, but Jaehee told me that you already left. So I came here… Is everything alright?” She looked at the phone inside your raised hand before glancing back at you.

 

           “Were you… texting with someone? Did… Did someone follow you again?” Her fingertips lingered on your shoulder, and she looked deeply concerned. Shit…What if she saw?

 

           “I was, it was someone from my high school. I kinda had a crush on him back then, and he told me that he is planning to visit Korea next summer.” You mimicked the look that your sister always wore when she texted with Seven. You cast your eyes down and slightly bit your lips. You had seen her with this expression numerous times and even practiced it in the mirror –if only to see if you’d look as lovely as her with it.

 

          Her pose changed drastically. “Is that true? Show me, what did he say? Does he have a facebook profile? Does he look good?”

 

          You smiled –a little more relaxed, now. So she took the bait. You slid the phone back into your coat and shook your head. “Nope. Nothing. He’s a bit old school, regarding that. And I’ll show you what he wrote if you show me what you’re texting about with Seven.” She immediately blushed and stopped asking questions.

 

          You should hate lying to her but couldn’t bring yourself to feel any regret over this. What you did regret, was that now your window of asking him was gone.

 

You were in such a rush to put away the phone that you didn’t notice the little _received_ icon at the bottom of your text message.

 

 

* * *

 

**oO Saeran Oo**

 

          He didn’t feel his fingertips.

 

          His god forsaken –fucking fingertips.

 

          He couldn’t control the little extensions of his hands that were laying next to him in the snow. He had passed out. Again. With only a faint recollection of the last night. Night…. Was it noon already?

 

          Since he couldn’t move his stiff neck, all he could see was the sun standing high on the zenith –burning holes into his light-sensitive eyes. It was all too bright –too painful.

 

          He wanted to scream….and yet all he could do was tear up at the sight of the clear winter sky. He felt sick. Like he did when he was younger. Being unable to move, it reminded him of all the times when he only laid on his back inside this shabby room... With his wrists bound and nothing but the narrow ceiling to stare at. And it scared him to death. He was weak back then, but not anymore, right? He was stronger now. So, so much stronger now. Why would his limbs not follow his orders? They were part of his body. They should help him stay alive and not glue him into place like a statue of ice.

          Christmas would be coming soon… It was that time of the year again.

 

_Mother…Are you happy now? Did you enjoy making me feel guilty for breathing?_

 

           He laughed. _At least I’m alive to feel guilty._

 

           “Mr Saeran!  M- Mr Saeran…..!” The whining voice of a fellow believer reminded him of where he was, right now. Yes, he was at Mint Eye. He wasn’t in this house anymore. He was the strongest person, next to the Savior, here.

 

          He tried speaking, but his vocals still felt sore from the cold.  “He-….He….help…”  The word came out like a whisper, and he was sure that this dumb moron didn’t hear him.

 

          But then he heard the hurried steps that were coming his way. One, no two people came running for him.

 

           “Mister Saeran! There you are! We’ve been looking for you all over the place! The Savior was so worried…!”

 

          Of course, she was. It was him, after all.

 

           “What were you doing outside, Mister Saeran? It is freezing! You could have died!”

 

          Saeran didn’t know why or when he went outside. He only knew, that he had been protecting you. He had been strong enough, to protect someone.

 

          There were more people coming now, helping Saeran to get back on his feet. His head rotated from the impact of forcefully being lifted off the snowy floor and for the first time, he was able to see his fists. They were blue, purple and yellow and had dried blood on the sides. He had protected you. He had saved you.

 

           He was your guardian angel.

 

          The believer that found him carried him inside – not caring about the fact that they all trampled through the meticulously outlined snow angel around Saerans frail frame. A view that returned some recently lost and dearly missed memories to Saeran.

 

* * *

 

**oO You Oo**

 

          You were glued to your phone screen.

 

          Unknown still hadn’t answered you, even though you had texted him hours ago and it made you feel anxious. Call it a premonition, but you were sure that something was wrong. He usually replied right after you’d sent your text, and if not that then at least within a few minutes. Minutes, not hours.

 

          You kept glancing at the screen until your sister called you over for dinner.

 

           “He didn’t text you back, yet?” your sister asked while casually putting the plates on the table.

 

           “No…Not yet. It’s weird. He is usually really quick to reply.” You only manage to poke inside the freshly made food in front of you. Your sister watched you from her seat. Analyzing you from head to toe.

 

           “I wonder… What kind of person he’s got to be, to leave you speechless like that.” She finally asked.

 

           “What?” You stopped your attempt to eat, altogether.

 

           “I want to know what he’s like.” She clarified.

 

          She was still thinking that you had been texting with your crush, and you were glad that she did so.

                                                      

           “Well… I don’t know… I guess you could say that he’s very smart? And very perceptive… Like he always knows whenever I’m feeling down… He’s determined and persevering. He sees things through until the bitter end. He likes to plan in advance, and…well he’s got a mean strike, sometimes, but then again he is… somehow really caring? He’s always nagging but does still help in the end. … He also has no concept of personal space. He has a dark past, although I’m not yet sure what happened…He does get angry really easily and as a hard time to calm down when he’s in his rage mode” You didn’t even notice that you were scratching the back of your hands so hard that it already left a red mark on your index finger.

 

           “He seems to be a conflicted person…” Your sister looked like she wanted to say more, but was stopping herself from saying what she thought.

 

           You hid your scratched hand underneath the table and waited for whatever was dancing on your sister’s mind.

 

          Your sister glanced over at you and cleared her throat. “Just like everyone else. In a way. And then again, not. You know, while I do think that a certain degree of complexity is healthy. I feel like someone as conflicted as that can be….toxic to people who might not yet be… uhm… how do I say this…” she avoided your eyes to think.

 

          You weren’t stupid; you knew what she tried to tell you. She thought that he wasn’t right for you. That you being close to him could be difficult. And she was right about that aspect. It was difficult. And while yes, he was enveloped into mysteries that equaled Seven’s true name, you saw something of yourself inside of him. And for the love of god, you wanted to help. If you couldn’t help yourself, or Kai, before, you wanted to be strong for this person.

 

          And for the first time, you realized that even though Unknown had a bunch of issues, he did help you every time you needed him. On the other hand, though, there hadn’t been even one instance, where you were of any help to him.

 

          Which only made things worse. Because in reality, you weren’t even able to help him if you wanted to. You couldn’t reach him on your own, he needed to open the port for that since neither his messages nor his calls were traceable. You were sure of it. Otherwise, Seven would have already noticed your attempts to contact each other.

 

          Your feeling from before returned. You didn’t know where Unknown was, or what he looked like. If something had happened to him, as your hunch was trying to tell you-you were not able to do shit. Which scared you. Much more than you had previously thought it would.

 

           “I just think that someone like him may not make you as happy as he should. Not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t. Someone who flips at the smallest inconveniences usually is really hard to deal with and will only hurt you over time...” Your sister was still not looking at you while she spoke and you started to wonder if she was still talking about the person you supposedly had a crush on, or if this was about someone entirely else.

 

           You know that your sister had every right to have a past of her own, but you couldn’t help the slight stinging feeling in your chest when you thought about all the things she experienced without. Or all the people that may or may not have been more important to her than you at the time.

 

           “Things aren’t always just black and white. We are all just the product of our experiences and since everyone experiences different things in their life… Well, I just think that we all have scars. And sometimes, they are hidden so deep underneath your skin that it may be hart to see them from the outside…As for him… I don’t know. There is no ‘either, or’ with him. He’s more a mashup of too many songs that are not quite in tune with each other. But I feel like... Like the melody that connects those pieces is a beautiful and pure one…” You pulled out your phone again. Still nothing.

 

          Your sister was now mustering you with curiosity. “Not quite in tune with each other… Hm… I know that I may be crossing a line, here. But this makes me really sad..”

 

          You closed your eyelids to get rid of the images that were already flashing before your eyes. The all too well known claustrophobic feeling clawing its way through your chest.

 

           You dared to ask her why, albeit knowing the answer to the question already. And just as you had imagine her do, she cocked her head to the side and gently pointed her finger into your direction.

 

           “Because this reminds me of….you.”

 

          With that, that last drop of self-control slipped through your sweating hands and you only watched in terror as the snippets of _your_ past take you down the memory lane.

         

 

> _Your father was reeking of alcohol as he towered over you inside the narrow corridor. “Oh, which daughter will I get to see today? The good and obedient one? The moody bitch, or the filthy whore? What is it with you that I’m never able to tell which one it’ll be today?” He slapped the plate right out of your hands._

         

          You tried to blink your memories away.

 

 

> _So he remembered your outbreak from yesterday… You had hoped that he had been too intoxicated to recall it. He turned down and picked up the steak from the floor. You watched him with your mouth closed, while your little revolt was only met with pitiful sneers and laughs from your father._

          STOP

 

           “What makes you say that?” Your smile at her was more than weak, and you didn’t even bother hoping that she’d buy it.

 

           “I think you know what I mean. I just never thought about it as poetically as this. It’s a good comparison, but it also feels kind of painful… Scars that can’t be seen and yet keep on hurting. I wonder… Do you feel like this?” It was a pure question that must have come straight from her heart.

 

          You didn’t answer it, though.

 

           “I hope that those scars can be healed. I do.” She reached out to touch your arm, and you remained still to endure the touch. You’ve gotten better in handling her displays of affection, and even initiating those gestures by yourself from time to time. Just not when you felt this raw –scared to death that she may get dragged down into the darkness because of you.

 

 

           “Don’t worry, some of them will, over time.” You smiled again.

 

           “If I work hard, do you think that they all disappear some day?” She was searching for your eyes, but you only looked away to focus on your counting routine. If she saw what was going on behind your lids, If she made one more move to make you open up to her…You would shatter into pieces right in front of her.

 

 

 

> _“Ah I see, I see. The filthy whore it is. Don’t just stand there and watch me do all the work! Get on your knees and help me!”_
> 
> _You knew that once you got down on your knees, he wouldn’t let you go. The hall of your home felt heavier than usual –narrow. There was not enough space to outrun him here, nor were you strong enough to push him out of the way._
> 
> _You had two options. Going down on your own accord, or going down on his’._

          Endless memories full of pain pop up inside your swollen skull. You blinked away any tear before it started forming and tucked your feelings away. When you reached ten, you took your unscratched hand and gently placed it on your sister’s fingers.

 

 

 

           “Yes.” You squeezed her hand reassuringly.

          It was your second lie, today.

 

* * *

 

**oO Saeran Oo**

 

 

           “I think that the medication is still not right, for him. Since he switched back just after taking the experimental mixture, his body might be having trouble to get used to the original liquid.” The doctor explained while facing the Savior.

 

           “My poor boy… It must have been painful for him.” She looked over to Saeran, who was currently staring at the wall.

 

           “He told us, that he sometimes wakes up without knowing what he did before that time. It was concerning, to put it mildly. Dearest Savior, stop me if I’m saying too much, but I think that his heart is growing weak. It seems like he is continuously losing control over his emotions. He needs to be stripped off his emotions for the girl, so that the medicine can work properly again. He needs to see the Re-Educators soon.”

 

          Saeran listened to the doctor’s voice. Maybe he was right? Maybe he was growing weak? The doctors told him about his late night trip the other day. That he brought in a new believer. He made it sound as if this was a good thing, but Saeran knew that he only did it because of you –and yes, by the standard of the Savior, that was considered weak.

 

          In retrospective, he didn’t even know why he went so overboard last night. Was he not taking the medicine well? He did remember having visions of you before switching to the new liquid. But those caused him to throw up and have even more black outs. Switching back was supposed to fix this problem, not make it worse. But if what the doctor said, was true, then it wouldn’t matter what kind of liquid he’d take. It was a problem that was caused by his own feelings.

 

           “I understand. I will talk to him. But I won’t give up on him; he is my favorite. I will never give up on him. We’ll make it work. Thank you.” She walked over to Saeran and helped him stand up and return to his room.  On the whole way, though, Saeran couldn’t help but feel the Saviors eyes on him. He was too afraid to look over his shoulder. Afraid to see the look of disappointment on her face.

 

          When the door to his room closed behind him, he inhaled audibly –readying himself for his punishment. However, the Savior only stared at him.

 

           “S-Savior. Please, I will do better.” He was suddenly ten again, feeling like he stood in front of his mother that had a look on her face, similar to the one his Savior was wearing right now. It gave him the chills.

 

           “No.” She didn’t even bat an eyelash.

 

           “No, I am the one that has to do better from now on.” She walked around the computer chair that Saeran was currently sitting on –every step accentuated by her swaying hips and with her eyes never leaving the silhouette of the thin boy in front of the many monitors.

 

           “I thought that you were ready to take on this mission, alone. But I was mistaken. Blinded by my feelings for you. It was nothing but my wishful thinking, or so it seems. All the stress of delivering the information I so desperately needed must have still been too much for you. But rest assured, I will lighten your burden, now.” The Savior hunched over the greasy keyboard and entered her password into the login screen of the Mint Eye server.

 

           “I hereby withdraw your server rights… Don’t look at me like that, Saeran.”  She noticed the displeased look he gave her.  “Do you think that doing this makes me happy? Do you want me to send you to _that place_ again, instead?”

 

          Saeran snapped his head back to hide his face. He was suddenly getting so angry, he just didn’t know whom at.

 

           “This… is only temporary. Until I know that your heart is filled with nothing but thoughts for our paradise, again. Bring me relevant intel from the RFA, and you will get back your access. Depending on the quality of the information, I may still allow for you to bring the girl here. Now excuse me.” She nodded in his direction and reached for the door handle –shortly hesitating before pressing it down, eventually.

 

 

           “You know, Saeran, I don’t want you to think about this as a punishment. I am taking away parts of your freedom so that you can stop having funny thoughts. This is, to strengthen your heart. With too much freedom, humans tend to sin. And some of us are more prone to the negative side effects of freedom than others. I’m doing this to protect you. For eternal paradise.”

 

          The missing figure of her inside the doorframe left a burning mark inside Saeran’s head, and the dreading wave of rage in his heart only grew stronger with every passing minute. He didn’t need to be stripped of any emotion. Only days before, she had told him over and over again how strong he was. Whatever made him snap last night, was nothing but a side effect of his intolerance towards the medication. He was clear now. He was-

 

          He notices the text-icon on his lock screen.

 

 

           “Hello, I saw the news... Thank you.”

 

          He broke out in chuckles that then turned into full grown laughter –full of pure amusement.

 

           “Oh princess”, he murmured to himself while replying.

 

          He would prove that he still knew every vow of Mint eye. He would mess with you. He would break you. Until you, too, were ready to accept their philosophy. And he would get you to give him the information he needed, on your own. He didn’t forget about his original promise to you. He’d come to get you. He only needed to work hard and win back the Saviors trust. For you. For him. And for…

 

           “For eternal paradise.”

 

* * *

 

 

**oO You Oo**

 

          It was past midnight when your phone notified you that you had a text message. You were half expecting it to be Yoosung spamming you with his LOLOL adventures. Your sister was already sound asleep, so you were extra careful not to wake her up as you moved your arm over her sleeping head.

 

          It wasn’t Yoosung.

 

          Unknown:

           “I wonder just how thankful you are… come to **[this address]** asap.”

 

          Your sudden rush of relief soon got replaced by suspicion.

 

 

          Sure, he must have a life of his own. Maybe he didn’t answer because he had a normal daytime job. But he usually always answered within minutes. Besides… something wasn’t feeling right. Why would he call you out to some random address in the middle of the night?

         

          He sounded different than he had before. Angrier. Demanding. Commanding.

         

          Like that one time where she actually saw him follow her. 

 

          You googled the address and found out that it was a park area in downtown. It would take you about twenty minutes by foot, if you were quick –without taking the time you needed to get ready into account.

 

          You didn’t really want to go.

 

          Had it been a few hours earlier, you would have excused yourself right on the spot and left to go and talk with him. But this suddenly didn’t seem right, anymore. Now, going out into the darkness really reinstated that feeling of venturing into the unknown.  A scary and frightening unknown that had its maw open –ready to choke you down their black gullet.

 

          And to bring that feeling of dread home for you, he didn’t choose an internet café, but a park. What could he possibly want you to do inside a park? At this hour? Except for …you know, abduct or murder you.

 

_Oh great, there goes all your ambition to go, at all._

 

          He seemed to be in a sour mood already, provoking him even further could lead to more problems than declining was worth. In one of your worst case-scenarios, he not only knew where you lived but also had the code for the front door. 

 

          He never seemed to be the type to murder… But there was no way of telling when he was high on drugs. You once saw someone completely losing it after a party. He had always been quiet in class, but when he took some of those pills that were going around back then, he suddenly snapped at a random guy and broke his arm.

 

          Yeah, people do weird shit, when they’re high

          But… He had answers. That nobody else could give you.

 

          You knew that this could be dangerous and didn’t even realized your body had already decided to go for you. Instead, you only stared in surprise when you suddenly found yourself inside the lift. You were still wearing your pyjamas and only quickly slipped into your boots and put on your winter coat. Did you even bring your purse? You rummaged through your pockets and exhaled sharply when you couldn’t find it. Which meant that you didn’t even bring your ID –should something happen to you.

 

          Your phone rang.

 

 

          Caller ID Unknown. You read it out loud and immediately covered your mouth. Feeling like he was lurking in the shadows didn’t help with your uneasiness.

 

          Seconds passed before you found it in your heart to finally pick up. He never simply called you on your phone and the sudden change of the routine that you’ve clung yourself on to really did make you want to report to Seven. You didn’t know what substances he was taking, so him sticking to his own rules, was a sign that he was still having a degree of control over his actions.

 

          You took one more shaky breath and pushed answer.

There was no greeting, no nothing. Just the irregular sound of his heavy breathing. Was it even him? Now that you’ve thought about it, unknown caller ID could refer to well... anybody. What if some pervert phished your number and was calling you right now? The timing was way too suspicious for something like that, however. It must be him.

 

           “H-hello..?” You’ve heard yourself say – the uncertainty transpiring through your voice.

 

          Still nothing. Then you heard an awkward rustling noise and a sound of someone shutting a door.

 

           “I-is this...uhm…Are you Unknown?” you tried again and pushed your long hair behind your ear.

 

           “Wait for a second….” You heard him breathing before he spoke again. “Alright. We can talk now.”

 

          His voice was low and deep, barely more than a whisper.

 

           “Are you there, yet?” Although his question was phrased rather neutral, you caught a glimpse of anxiety in his words. He must have been nervous as to whether you followed his instructions. Was he scared of something?

 

           “Huh? Ah-uhm no. I’m still on my way there. It will probably take me another 10 minutes to arrive… Should I call you back, then?” You resumed walking towards your destination and hoped he’d let you call him back. It would buy you some time to regain some of your composure.

 

          He let out a sigh. “You do know that you can’t call back an unknown call ID, right?” With that, he painfully put you back into place.

 

          You mentally face-palmed yourself as you moved “R-right… sorry.”

 

           “Yes, you should be. Yes… this is how it should be…” He seemed to mumble to himself. “It shouldn’t take you so long, to get to the park now, should it? Start walking a bit faster. You can do that for me, right?” Why was it that he needed to convince himself of the hierarchy between you two?

 

          You were already walking quite fast but still doubled your pace at his words. Heavy pants soon started to slip through your lips as you held the phone close to your ear. You didn’t hear him speak for another solid two minutes.

 

           “Tell me what you see right now.” You could feel that he was getting more and more anxious. Just what was waiting for you at that park?

 

           “Okay… There is a coffee shop at the corner, and I can see the Cherry-Tower from here. I think the park is right down this street. It shouldn’t be long, anymore.”

 

          He chuckled. “You’re so obedient. Usually, people wouldn’t run outside in the middle of the night, just because someone texted them. Maybe they aren’t stupid enough to be lured into the darkness of night...” His words were harsh, even if his tone was teasing.

 

          He was trying to provoke you, but you’ve been called worse than stupid. “Yes, you’re right.” The words slipped a little too easily over your tongue. They found their way out of your mouth without any effort, as they have numerous times before.

 

           “Am I, hm? So you would run outside like a stupid bitch whenever someone told you so?” His former teasing tone was gone, now. What was left, instead, was aggression. It confused you for a moment. You didn’t know where you went wrong.

 

          Until you did. Ah – so that was what he had really been asking you.

 

          It was funny, how he was so desperate for your reassurance …

 

 

           “You’re not somebody. I wouldn’t do this for just anybody. I did it because it was you who asked.” You said it without stuttering, you said it without blinking. You said it because you were trained to say it when you had to – and it always had the same effect: It kept you alive.

 

           “Of course, I knew you’d see that, too. Most people wouldn’t be able to understand your way of reasoning. But I, I understand them. Because deep down, we’re the same. We are both bad and ill at heart…. Ah – I can hear a Christmas jingle playing in the background. You better not cry. Santa Claus doesn’t give crying children gifts. Santa Claus knows who is a good child or a bad child ~ beautiful, isn’t it? It reminds me of how much I hate Christmas.”

 

          You stopped for a second. His voice was hitching. The way it did when he was aggravated. 

 

           “I used to be a bad child and never got any Christmas presents. Don’t you think it’s unfair that bad children don’t get anything from Santa? They are just stupid children, Santa should give everyone presents. Don’t you think?”

 

          He laughed, but there was no joy in his voice.

 

           “So I decided to get rid of Santa and give presents to only the bad children. The worse, the better. Don’t you think that’s only just?” you hear him tapping his fingers against a surface. A nervous habit, perhaps?

 

          You kept silent. Trying to soak in every information you could get about him. Anything was fine.

 

           “And what better gift could there be than salvation…? Haha… I wonder though If I’m the only one giving gifts… Whom would I receive something from, then? ... Santa, do you really think he knows who is bad and who isn’t?” He suddenly sounded like a wounded, small child, on the verge of crying. Why was it so important to him what you were thinking?

 

           “I… maybe.” Your voice became small. You didn’t really think that Santa was existing and the thought of someone constantly watching you and keeping track of your actions was rather scary to you.

 

          He groaned irritated. “Then why doesn’t he give me anything? Who does he think he is, to not give me a present? I’ve been so good; I’ve been doing so much good, helped so many people. Don’t you think I deserve something from Santa?” He was asking for your opinion about him..

 

          You thought back to the conversation you had with your sister.

 

 

>        _“He’s more a mash-up of too many songs that are not quite in tune with each other. But I feel like... Like the melody that connects those pieces is a beautiful and pure one…”_

 

           “….I do.” You eventually answered.

 

           “Yes…Of course, you think so, too. You mustn’t have gotten much from Santa, either, am I right? But don’t worry, I will be your Santa Claus this Christmas, so make sure to tell me your wishes. If you’re naughty, I may fulfil them all.” He laughed, again. A bit more relieved, than before.

 

          Your wishes…. There was only one thing you wished for…Answers. “I-I want more information. Why you made me join the RFA. Who you are and if you…. If you’re dangerous…?” Was this too much to ask for?

 

          Apparently so, yes.

 

 

          He growled like angry thunder. “This isn’t fun at all.”

Your natural reflexes kicked in. Upon hearing his threatening voice, you went stiff as a stick within a second. Your hands jerked to the sides of your body, as to force you to not cover your middle.

 

           “P-Please don’t shout. I’ll be good. I’ll be good.” The voice of your younger self -whined into the speaker.

 

          He was quiet for a few seconds. Calming himself down.

 

           “What face are you making right now? I want to see….So bad. I… want to know.”

 

          You weren’t yet ready to talk again. He had only needed seconds to calm down. But for you. This was difficult.

 

          Come on, just count to ten. Just count… One...

 

 

           “I ASKED YOU SOMETHING!” His loud and cracking voice cut right through your routine and your switch right back to being a child again.

 

 

           “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad. I’ll make it up to you; It was my fault.” You hated yourself for reacting like this. You hated yourself for being arrogant enough to think you’d be getting better with every day.

 

 

          He seemed to be both pleased, and sorry. However, he was hiding the latter behind his condescending words. “I forgive you because I’m a good person, someone that can lead you towards salvation – I shouldn’t have said that. You will learn about this on your own when you get here.”

 

          There he goes again with this salvation thing. When you received his first messages, he talked about his religion. Was this salvation a part of this?

 

          So he was still planning on extracting you from the RFA again, as soon as he accomplished whatever he had planned to.

 

           “… And when will that be?” You tried to sound anticipating –making him talk.

 

 

           “Soon, I hope.” He only vaguely responded. You knew you were hitting a wall but were not yet ready to stop here.

 

 

           “Why me?” You tried, instead.

 

 

          He chuckled. “Because I found you.”

 

 

          You sigh. He was right. He did find you. He wanted you to join the RFA so desperately but was also eager to get you out of there. Why? What did he know, that you didn’t? Did he really hate all of them?

 

          You thought back to the last months with them. Without knowing exactly when you had started to consider them your family. When you came to Korea, you felt like you couldn’t do anything on your own. But they helped you to improve yourself every day. You felt like they were good people. People that you could stay with, even if you still had to hide your fucked up side. But for them, you were willing to do that.

 

           “…What about the rest of the RFA?”

 

 

          He didn’t hesitate when he answered as if this had been clear from the very start. “That depends. They can join us, too, or they can burn together with the redhead.”

 

          Your hunch about Seven proved itself somewhat right. So he is involved in all of this. “The Redhead…? Do you know him?”

 

          He laughed, but it sounded like slapping two pieces of metal together. “I don’t. I just know the him that he once was. Although he would never tell you this because he is a liar. Unlike me. I would never lie to you.” He sounded frustrated again, but this time, not because of you. This time, his frustration was directed at someone else….

 

          If this was true. If you really were to believe him…Then… “Then… will you hurt me, or my sister?” You tried to keep your voice as soft as possible.

 

           “No. I will save you.” And without a doubt, you believed that this was legitimately what he thought. He would never hurt you intentionally. But you also knew that things like intention were never that easy. He could –and probably would tell himself that it was necessary. That he did it for his kind of salvation. And as much as you wished that you had learnt from your past, you still….Wanted to believe him.

 

           “Arghh…This stupid Christmas carol is giving me headaches. How long are you going to make me listen to it?!” He slammed his fist against something. She suddenly felt his fear. Was he afraid….of Christmas?

 

          You started running.

 

           “I’m sorry, I can… I can…. I can see the entrance of the park!”

 

          The park was, due to the unfavorable time, deserted.

 

           “Good. Very good. Once you’re inside, walk towards the Season Pavilion. There is a wide field around it. Tell me when you’re there.”

 

 

          You walked it quietness, the sound of the pebbles underneath the shoes the only thing that was cutting through the silence between you two. The Pavilion looked like it had already seen better days, but the surroundings were well maintained. The snow had been brushed off every surface so that visiting people could sit down if they wanted to. All the walkways had been cleared of snow, as well.

 

          You were the first one to speak again. “I’m there. What should I do, now?”

 

           “Haha, you’re already awaiting my orders? How cute. Say, what do you think will happen, now?” He said it with some kind of morbid fascination which caused you to turn around in paranoia.

 

           “Are you nervous? Anxious? Scared? What are you thinking right now? Are you turning around, helplessly wondering whether I’m waiting for you in a corner?” He chuckled. It was a dark, and grim sound.

 

          You heard something rustling from behind. Steps –heavy sounds coming from thick boots that were lazily walking through the park.

 

           “Do you think, that I’ll come and get you right now?” He breathed into the phone like a pervert.

 

 

          This was suddenly going in the wrong direction. Definitely wrong.

 

          The sickening feeling in your stomach solidified with every exaggerated sound coming from behind. You not only felt like you were being watched, but you also definitely heard someone behind you.

 

           “Turn around, little princess. And take a good look.” He whispered into your ear.

 

 

          You couldn’t.

 

          You couldn’t lift your feet off the ground, you couldn’t even move your head to look over your shoulders. Whatever had been trying to approach you, now stopped moving. Possibly waiting for you. No. He was waiting for you. He didn’t need a dark alleyway to mug you, nobody was here inside this park. Nobody would hear you scream.

 

           “I’m sorry.” You feel a sting inside your eyes and your knees becoming rubber. “I don’t think I can do that.” You wanted to cry, but the more scared you felt, the more your inner walls kept trying to hold your feelings in.

 

          It hit you all at once.

 

          You were nothing but a severely underpowered side character in her own story, not knowing what she pitted herself against. It made you feel vulnerable and exposed. As if you were back to continually running and hiding. Like the scared little girl that you were, hiding from your father.

 

          You forgot to breathe.

 

          His chuckles died right on the spot.

 

 

           “Is this how you show your gratitude?”

 

          Your head felt light.

 

          You inhaled sharply and tried to wash away the feelings inside with the cold fresh air in your lungs. To no avail. You felt small –wanted to cower behind cover and hide. Something –anything.

 

           “Look.Behind.You.”

 

          You wanted to throw up. You tried to run, even if there was nothing waiting for you. The thick walls of your castle were dangerously creaking under the heavy pressure of your emotions.

 

          _Get a grip and calm down._

 

          You counted to ten. Twice.

 

          Once you felt the earth underneath your feet again, you were able to respond.

 

           “Ok.”

 

          _One breath, two breaths_. You turned around and stared right into the evil looking face of the night. An ugly gasp was escaping your mouth.

 

          You heard him then –on the phone. Laughing. Cackling. Having the time of his life while you felt sick and dead inside.

 

           “Did you…! Did you…! Did you think I’d be standing there?!” He had to pause after every word to catch his breath again. “You’re standing in the middle of a god damned park in the middle of the night, thinking I’d be there? Moving my ass through that horrible cold weather just to see you?”

 

          You felt numb.

 

           “This is… This is gold!” He was almost hyperventilating from his own laughter.

 

          But you felt nothing, anymore. Stripped yourself off any emotion. Made yourself to be a shell for that other you to slip into.

 

           “Thank you. I knew that talking to you would make me feel better. You’ve now officially repaid your debt regarding my efforts last night. Now, do me a favor and look for a flowering bush to your left. There should be at least one.” This… was not the person you wanted to help. Whatever had gotten into him, this was not the guy you would continue to lie for.

 

_….then why did you still go and look for those flowers?_

 

           “I can see them.” You said in an overly monotone voice.

 

           “Do you like flowers?” He didn’t seem to be aware of your sudden mood swing and even sounded exited.

 

           “Yes.” You pressed through your teeth.

 

           “Do you know the name of the flowering bush? In front of you?” He asked.

 

           “No.” And you didn’t care, either.

 

           “It’s honeysuckle. A sort of Woodbine.” He kept on babbling.

 

           “Ok.” Silence.

 

           “Ok, she says. Do you know their meaning?” He was getting upset with you.

 

           “Alas, no.” You took a closer look at the little flowers that were blooming in the depth of winter. They were kind of beautiful. And sturdy. Everything you wished to be.

 

           “It’s ok. It means generosity. As you have paid off your debt without fussing, I want to give you something back. For free. Am I not a kind person?”

 

          Again, he had to make sure that you didn’t think ill of him.

 

           “Yes.”

 

 

 

           “You’re not very talkative right now… I guess I got you good. Well then, you entertained me – so I entertain you. All fair and square, right?” He was finally becoming concerned. Or aware that he may have gone overboard. Was this his way of making up to you?

 

 

           “Ok.”

 

          He huffed into the phone. Clearly at loss of how to stir the situation back into his desired direction. “Ok, my ass. Stop acting this way… I’ll make it up to you, just wait… hmm, I’ll tell you a fairy tale, alright? Girls like this stuff, right?”

 

           “Yes…”

 

           “So… once upon a time, in the land of Ugnia, lived a prince together with his other him and their mother. Country was inhabited by assorted magical creatures, most of whom were quite nasty beings.  The prince and his family lived in a quirky-looking town, in which a common was making silly hats.  The surrounding countryside was mostly coastal and dotted with gigantic wildflowers.  It also hosted many ponds and streams.  You could only access the city at certain time of the year, as it was hidden throughout most of the seasons.  The King was a cruel man and was jealous of the two princes, thus their mother hid them away inside a small cabin.”

 

          This caught you completely off guard.

 

          “Every Christmas, the children of the town would walk from home to home to sing pretty Christmas carols much like we know them today. They sung about love, happiness, presents, and an annual screenplay. Every year, the two princes would ask their mother if they’d get a present too. But she would only yell at them that this was a custom they mustn’t do. So the princes started plotting between themselves, to give each other presents in secret.” He needed to calm down before resuming to speak.

 

          “One of the princes was strong and sly, he managed to sneak out from time to time to avoid a blue eye… The other was weak and could do nothing on his own, all he ever knew was being tied to his home. So when Christmas Eve came and he had nothing to gift, he started crying and made a desperate wish.” Saeran inhaled.

 

         “Before his eyes, a wizard appeared, in full robes and eyes that contained the universe. He asked the prince if it was him that had called, and he told him yes. The wizard pulled a gift out of his sleeves that was so beautiful it hurt. The prince was happy and gave it to his brother. As he tried to open it, the Queen came home and –“ You could hear him shivering.

 

           “She got so angry that she destroyed their presents and beat the weak prince and locked him inside the basement. He was not to get any food. He was not to get any love. Nobody came, not even his brother. He was all alone.” He sounded like he was crying and you felt a heavy clump forming inside your throat.

 

          “So as he laid there, all alone and shivering in the darkness. He was able to hear the wizard right next to him. ‘who’s there?’ the prince asked.  ‘It is I’ the wizard said. ‘I have the power to get you out of here, but you have to give me something in return. I am the rule over a secret garden, a paradise for princes and princesses much like you. But I am lonely there and want you to come visit me.’ The prince thought for a moment. ‘do I have to go back to this place?’ The wizard smiled at the prince and took his hand as he led him out of the cabin. ‘no, it is truly paradise. You never have to leave, if you do not want to’. And thus it came that he was saved by the wizard and got to live in his kingdom.”

        

          You listened to him while he kept on rambling. The end of his tale left your nerves feeling raw and painful. His voice went from high pitched to low and sinister within a single breath, and it was clear that he was deeply distressed. It was possible that he didn't want to talk and yet forced himself to choke the words out.

 

          But there was something else that caused your stomach to turn. His tale was - essentially - just that: a tale. But of course, as with any other tale, if you kept on stripping away the fantastic parts and the magic and the metaphors... If you kept peeling off every layer of the narrative, then all that was left was a core that formed the corpus of a story about Unknowns presumably tragic past.

 

          Yes - you know that trying to interpret his talk was like stretching an already thin line - or like leaping into unknown water. And yes - you knew that harboring any kind of pity for a person like him could bring you more trouble than you signed yourself up for. But if you took aside everything you knew about this person at the other side of the line, and allowed yourself to see this phone call for what it really was – you were able to realize that it was simply a display of trust.

 

          Generously, even.

 

          "You -why are you crying? Was this not entertaining for you?"

 

 

          Your muffled cries were audible via the call connection, although you hadn't realized that you were crying in the first place. And if things were different, you would have been celebrating now. After what had happened to Kai, you never let anyone notice you crying. You would have never cried in front of someone.

 

          Technically, yes, you weren't crying _in front_ of someone right now - as Unknown was god knows where. But it still felt like he was standing right behind you. It was difficult to describe, but you felt his presence, having his hand clenched around your heart and tightening the grip on your chest. There was no one behind you, of course, but the mental closeness that surpassed every physical bond you ever had up until now, made you uneasy.

 

          Unknown didn’t say anything, and for a while, you were left alone with your tears. Then you heard his low chuckles.

 

          He was amused by your vain efforts to put yourself in his shoes.

 

          "Did you believe this story? Hahaha. I didn't think you'd be so naïve.." his chuckles became spiteful laughter.

 

          "You love me this much, don't you? Seriously, to cry for me this easily. What am I supposed to do when you die of a broken heart because of your feelings for me? Hahaha. I'm only joking again, my little princess. Once I'll come and free you, I will make you love me even more. That's a promise."

 

          Without any further ado, he ended the call, and you were left alone inside this snowy park, in the middle of this grim night.

**Author's Note:**

> So.. What did you think? Let me know in the comments :) Thank you so much for taking the time to read my stuff. :)
> 
> You can now find me on tumblr: www.lonesandkorn.tumblr.com
> 
> Again:  
> I am not a native speaker, so if there are any mistakes then I would be very happy if you could point them out for me so that I have the chance to improve my language skills. I know that learning a language is a constant process of making mistakes and becoming better through them. So thank you in advance :)


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